


the broken ones

by Silverlightning



Category: Tokio Hotel
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-08 00:25:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 77,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5476175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverlightning/pseuds/Silverlightning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes life doesn't turn out as planned. People who meant the world to you disappaer from your life. Some relationships and some people are too broken to fix.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

/When you try your best but you don't succeed   
When you get what you want but not what you need   
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep   
Stuck in reverse// 

When the alarm on the silvery phone that laid on the mahogany nightstand went off Tom was about to dry his shoulder long brown hair with a soft cotton towel. Taking the vibrating phone into his hands to turn it off his eyes fell on today’s date and he flinched in recognition. While rubbing his head in slow circles to dry his hair off he flipped through today's calendar entries. As usual it would be a busy day with appointments chasing each other and a business dinner with a potential business associate in the evening. 

Tom moved to the kitchen area to start his futuristic looking espresso machine whilst he was deciding on today’s clothes from lines and lines of black or grey suits and pastel colored shirts that occupied his walk-in closet. Tom eyed the spacious closet: different suits occupied most of the room and on his left Toms leisure clothes were piled in neat stacks sorted by color and item of clothing. In the far corner of the room painted in light blue he kept his collection of caps, even though he nowadays rarely had the opportunity to wear them. 

Upon choosing a dark grey suit and a melon colored r39;shirt he disregarded the matching ties displayed on the opened closet door. After some time Tom had gotten used to wearing suits but he still hated to wear ties, like he always had. He possessed a fair amount of them because in some situations he found himself in it was necessary to obey to the dress code. But if he had a choice he always chose to wear the first two buttons of his shirt unbuttoned revealing an inch of sun kissed skin under the professional attire. 

Combing his still wet hair with his hands, he twisted the brown strands into a knot, making himself presentable for today’s appointments. He rarely wore his hair down nowadays, maybe at a private party or at home. Keeping his hair in a knot made it also impossible to draw on the strands, a habit that surfaced from time to time when he was nervous, a reminder of another place, time and another person. Since Tom worked hard to keep his professional image up he couldn’t let unconscious habits like this display his feeling to his employees and business partners. 

At the age of 26, Tom Kaulitz was one of the most influential people the music industry had to offer. Despite his young age he owned his own successful recording company named TK records and was working as a consultant for of several others. His outstanding talent regarding music, his sharp sense for hits and deep knowledge of the music industry was the recipe to his success. 

But his young age also meant that he had to work hard, probably harder than his middle aged colleagues, because he had to fight against prejudice regarding his youth and ability to do successful business. The flawless attire, his friendly and unemotional way of doing business and the few golden discoveries he had made had finally earned him the respect of the music industry. Nowadays nobody ever questioned Toms success and influence:r39;making big decisions every day and handling money others could only just dream off. 

The cheeky boy in the oversized hip hop clothes with his pranks and jokes had been replaced by a hardworking, quiet man who seldom was seen partying or socializing other than business events where his presence was required.r39;Just once in a while the boy he once was surfaced, mostly when he spent time with his old friends and former band mates, Georg and Gustav. r39;A sting of guilt made Tom raise his eyebrows knowing that it had been a long time since he last met them or even contacted them. Those two men were family to him, but Tom was so easily caught up by his workload that he didn’t message or phone them as much as he would like to. 

By the time he was fully dressed the coffee machine had made a perfect strong espresso, just the way Tom liked it. Tom loved coffee and since he could afford it he imported special coffee beans from Columbia that had a sweet but yet bitter taste to them: a combination that made the black liquid almost sinfully delicious. Tom closed his brown eyes in pure joy, relaxed his shoulders and took a deep breath. After a sleepless night where the thoughts had chased each other in a taunting manner he tried to focus on the tasks ahead, fully aware that he couldn’t let the sleepless night nor today's date affect his behavior. After finishing his coffee he grabbed the keys to his black land rover jeep and headed for his office. 

As soon as Tom entered the office the energy buzzing in the air, with telephones ringing, printing machines roaring and people shouting at each other swept his distracted thoughts away. He made his way to his office at the back off the room, separated by a glass wall. He nodded and smiled left and right, returning the cheerful greetings that welcomed him. 

Tom was a kind man and a fair boss, which his employees loved him for. Even though he had the strength to be tough when it was necessary his team never held it against him. Upon entering his office he checked his phone that was put on silent mode for the car ride to work. During the short ride several messages had come in, two of which from Gustav and Georg. r39;He smiled after reading his friends names but decided to open the messages later when he had a moment to himself. The first two hours at work always meant several phone calls, papers he needed to sign and advice he needed to give on several projects. 

The first hours of the day Tom had an open door policy lending his ear and his time to his employee’s small and big problems or questions. After lunch he put down the venetian blinds that made it impossible for the others in the room to see inside and provided much needed calm to Tom so that he could concentrate and work without disruptions of any kind. 

The first to enter his office with a kind smile was his fifty year old secretary, a bundle of papers in the one hand and balancing a steaming cup in the other. r39;Tom stood up to take the mug out of her hands, afraid that she would spill the hot liquid any minute. Papers were placed neatly on his desk. 

“I need you to sign these, sooner rather than later,” the women in the cerise colored skirt and jacket pointed out. “And don’t give me that look. It didn’t come from me, it’s the legal department that needs those papers ASAP,” she said directed at Tom's thick brows that had traveled up to his hairline. The second thing he hated right after ties was signing boring papers. 

Sighing he took a sip of the steaming liquid and made his secretary laugh at the horrified expression that covered his face. 

“What the hell is that?” Tom shook his head in disbelief. “It tastes like old socks,” he shuddered as a peered down on the greenish liquid in his mug. 

Toms secretary smiled at the childish comment that revealed how young her boss really was. 

“Its herbal tea. I reckon you already had a cup of coffee this morning and will have several others until this day is over. That much caffeine is bad for you boy!” the women explained in a warm motherly tone. 

Tom just bent down his head in defeat, knowing that she was right and there was no way of pushing the motherly care away that the secretary had decided to bestow upon him. So he had accepted it and even liked it a little. 

Frowning he took another sip of the disgusting tea and started to sign some papers. Right before she left the room his secretary demanded his attention again. 

“Tom…happy birthday,” she smiled warmly at him, stepping out and closing the door quietly behind her. 

A headache seemed to have nestled in behind his eyes and Tom rubbed his temples to get rid of it. The gesture, as warm hearted as it was meant just cracked open a mountain of negative thoughts. Thoughts that he pushed away in the far corner of his mind on an everyday basis, because delving into them would be like opening up Pandora’s Box. Luckily Mrs. White was the only one who knew that it was his birthday today, besides his family and friends of course, and the scattered bits and pieces of the former Tokio Hotel fandom. But neither of them was even in the same country as he was so he could do his best to forget that this day even existed. 

The important looking sigils and formal words blurred before his eyes while signing as he remembered the millions of autographs he had signed back in the day when his former band, Tokio Hotel, was on the height of their success. He didn’t miss the signing autographs, he rather loathed it at the end. Tom remembered a particular fight with his twin brother about signing autographs where they accused each other of being too stupid to even get their own name right. It was an innocent fight born out of stress and lack of sleep and they had made up with a shared Banana split later that day. 

Tom smiled a little at the memory, recalling his brother’s happy smile when he bought ice-cream as a peace offering.r39;His thoughts lingered at the way his brother had always gesticulated wildly with his hands when he was mad or excited. For a brief moment Tom allowed himself to wonder if he still did that, touching the void inside of him that once was their twin bond. It was like touching an aching tooth with his tongue, painful but still too hard to resist. 

On a regular basis the pain emerging from that void was a like humming background sound, always there but he was still able to tune it out when necessary. But today, on their birthday, the pressing thoughts turned the background pain into screaming agony. Tom wanted to bang his head against the wall, drag his nails through his flesh to make him bleed and scream at the top of his lungs just to feel something else than the excruciating pain he was trying to keep at bay on the inside while going over his usual everyday routine. 

Once upon a time his twin brother was his whole world for him. They shared thoughts, ideas and feelings. They simply shared one soul. They did everything together, being not around each other an impossibility which led to an enormous amount of jokes from their friends, foremost from Georg and Gustav. r39;Their lives were interwoven with each other, tangled up and unbreakable. Or so he thought back then at least. They had shared the strong believe that they would never be alone because they had each other. Tom could honestly say he never loved another person the way he completely and unconditionally loved his twin brother. The special bond they shared back then was like a glowing, glistening string of life, nurturing the two brothers with genuine love. 

Nowadays this bond was cut off, and left him with a dying rotten unrecognizable thing that made him slowly bleed out on the inside. One day some years ago he told Georg after one or two too many tequilas that his inside felt like he was shredded to pieces, his heart a dying rotten place where nothing ever could grow again. 

Back then Georg believed it was the Tequila talking, he never quite understood the bond the Kaulitz twins had and he didn’t understand the ramifications of not having it either. But Tom had told nothing but the ugly truth. His heart was swallowed by this black hole of pure agony and he had long ago accepted the fact that not all the love in the world could ever fill it again. 

That’s why he mostly kept to himself, keeping his new friends on an arm length distance and affairs to still his bodily hunger never moved passed the occasional sex. Tom knew that he would never love anyone ever again like he loved Bill. Not even his mother came close to the special place in his heart that just belonged to Bill. It was a place that was now deserted and hostile constantly reminding him of what he once had and what he had lost. 

The stomping feet and ragged breath of a man about to enter his office snapped Tom out of the dark place his thoughts had wandered to. He kindly smiled at the short and chubby man dressed in various shades of brown. r39;Some pearls of sweat gathered on his forehead and he paused a second to catch his breath before he addressed Tom who politely waited until the man could talk again. 

“Mr. Kaulitz here is the sell statistics you requested yesterday. It took forever to generate them. Which is a good thing I suppose” the head of TK records r39;IT department explained between shallow breaths. Despite the fact that he looked as ordinary as the man next door he was one of the smartest employees Tom had. At more than one occasion he had saved the company much money by fixing software problems that would have put all their servers down for weeks. 

When he spotted Toms amused smile he added: “I went up the stairs from the server room. Five floors, but the missus insists on me not taking the elevator anymore. Apparently I have to watch my health.” He chuckled while petting his round belly with a twinkle in his bright blue eyes. 

“Well let’s see it then John” Tom answered with an amused smile on his face. r39;

With his voice getting serious again the man named John explained the several columns on the sheet of paper Tom was now holding in his hands with rows and rows of numbers on it. At a first look it seemed like some sort of code and Tom had to rely on John to get a clue how to read the numbers and what to make of them. 

Math and statistics never had been Tom’s strong suit anyway; being on the road for the most part of his teenage year’s school wasn’t something that had a high priority in their lives at the time. But what Tom lacked in knowledge he made up for in curiosity and the will to learn. The negative thoughts had once again been pushed to the back of his mind, focusing on the tasks at hand. 

 

//When the tears come streaming down your face   
When you lose something you can't replace   
When you love someone but it goes to waste   
Could it be worse?// 

Thousands of kilometers away and hours later Bill jumped and wriggled to get himself into a tiny pair of leather trousers. Somewhere around his thighs the fabric was stuck and he had to pull and wriggle to get it up inch by inch. Bill frowned, his eyebrows knitted together and cursed under his breath. r39;How anyone was supposed to wear these clothes was beyond him when even he couldn’t fit in them. r39;But it wasn’t his place to question the fashion he was putting on; he was there to look pretty in the upcoming photo shoot for a popular and expensive clothing brand. 

After the end of Tokio Hotel Bill pursued a career in fashion, attending fashion weeks both as model and as a buyer for several clothing brands and fashion designers.r39;He still nourished the dream that he at some point would design his own clothing line, but until then he explored the world of fashion. His impeccable sense for style and his beauty had opened many doors for him. He took every opportunity he got and turned it into success with hard work and persistency. 

Just as Bill finally dragged the trousers up his bottom and closed the silvery button up front the door opened and a man with a headset and a chart in his hand appeared in the doorway. He had the looks of someone who dearly hated his job, a shirt that needed washing barely tugged into a pair loose jeans and an expression on his face that was beyond bored. 

“Bill Kaulitz, your are up next in 3 minutes. Please get ready.” The man in the shady clothes and ugly glasses didn’t even wait to hear Bill’s response before closing the door again with a loud thud. 

The world of fashion clearly isn’t as glamorous as people like to think, Bill contemplated while putting back a strand of hair that was out of place. As he glanced into the mirror to check his appearance he noted that the style of this particular photo shoot assembled the style he had years ago, with black leather trousers, a see through army shirt and his hair dyed black and styled into a rocker mane. He wasn’t sure if the brand he was going to shoot for did this on purpose to exploit his status of formerly successful rock star or if it was a coincidence.r39;

Either way Bill didn’t care, because this one day photo shooting would earn him much welcomed money. Even if he could live comfortable of the money he made with Tokio Hotel it wasn’t quite enough to suffice for his expansive taste in fashion and saving up money to be able to design his own fashion line in the near future. 

Opposite of common believe modeling was hard and exhausting work. Hours and hours of the same poses and fake smiles had Bill worn down by lunchtime. He was thankful for the short break everyone was given to catch their breaths and gain some energy to continue doing a good job the rest of the afternoon. 

It was the first time all morning Bill was able to check his phone for messages. The hundreds of voice and text messages reminded him suddenly that today was his birthday. He quickly scrolled through them, just paused to read some of them slowly, like messages from his mum and his former band mates and best friends Georg and Gustav. He smiled at the funny message Georg had sent and the kind one from Gustav. He really missed having them nearby. Now that he lived partially in Paris and partially in LA it wasn’t easy to find the time to meet up with them. But he had regular contact with them through skype and they still tried to spend major holidays together like a family. 

Bill took the time to thank them for thinking of him and scrolled through the list of messages one more time. Like every birthday for the past years he had hoped to find a message from his twin brother and like most years he got disappointed. For a moment Bill's thoughts lingered on Tom and wondered how he was celebrating their birthday today. He hoped that Tom was happy and that he thought of him as well even though Bill was aware that it wasn’t likely. r39;

He hadn’t spoken to Tom in years, the last message they exchanged regarding a birthday gift for their mother two years ago. Despite the fact that he hadn’t seen his brother in person for a long time he still thought of him every morning when he got up, hoping that Tom would have a wonderful day and wishing him goodnight in the evening before he went to sleep. No matter how hard he partied and how drunk he was or who he was with he performed these small rituals. 

Lost in his thoughts Bill didn’t hear the assistant calling to get everyone back on set. Just when his name was yelled several times he snapped out of his haze and gathered himself to continue working. While the bright flashlight clicked and he moved from pose to pose Bill decided to send Tom a birthday message. After all Tom was his brother and it was a nice thing to do. 

Or so Bill tried to convince himself on the cab ride home, debating whether or not to send a text message to Tom. Deep down inside Bill knew that he wanted to contact his twin brother because he missed him so much just thinking about him made Bill's eyes tear up. Still five years after he lost the one person that meant the world to him he couldn’t get through a single day without seeing something he wanted to tell Tom about. He could see a cap in a store that he knew Tom would like, and he bought it adding it to growing pile of things he wanted to show or give Tom. 

Bill was aware that he engaged in a way of self torture, behaving like he would meet his brother the next day when in reality he didn’t know when or if he would ever meet him again. Once in a while the realization hit him and he tried to get over it by drinking, partying and fucking like there was no tomorrow. He was a restless soul searching for a cure to his pain in all the wrong ways and wrong places. 

“Rue d’ St. Antoine” the middle eastern driver said in broken French while pointing to the row of old stone buildings lining the narrow street. 

Bill thanked him with a large tip and got out of the car, balancing his bags in one hand and his wallet and sunglasses in the other. It was a beautiful sunny day in France that was about to end with a breathtaking sundown, coloring the grey stones of the nearby buildings in warm orange light. Bill lived in an apartment in the oldest building in the street. He loved how the wild wine grew all the way to the roof top, hiding the old and rickety stones underneath. He often mused that he himself was a lot like that old building, beautiful on the outside but broken underneath. 

His little apartment on the outskirts of Paris kept him grounded, surrounded by neighbors who didn’t know or care who he was and what he did for living. He often walked through the narrow streets with their old houses and beautiful flower arrangements. He got his supplies from the small stores surrounding this neighborhood, a little bakery and a farmers market at the town square. His apartment was not spacious but had a homey feeling to it with sunlight filtering through the windows in each room, lighting up the colorful carpets on the floor and paintings on the wall. 

When Bill stepped inside he immediately threw away the bags and stepped out of his shoes. When he bought the apartment he had invested in good quality rugs that felt like soft heaven under his feet. He ignored the pile with mail on the low black cupboard next to the door and threw himself onto the large grey sofa with a sigh. Every muscle in his body hurt from standing bend backwards or forwards depending on the photographer’s directions. 

Bill took his phone out to read several new messages that had come in during his way home. Some friends asked if he was up for some partying and he closed the message without answering. He started a new message staring at the cursor blinking in the white space, all of a sudden unsure of what he should write.


	2. Chapter 2

//High up above or down below  
When you're too in love to let it go  
But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth//

Several hours of work passed for Tom before he finally could close the last unanswered email and boot down his thin McBook. With a sigh of relief he leaned his head against the buttery softness of his leather chair and indulged in the luxury of spending a couple of minutes resting before he had to continue his workday with a meeting over dinner. 

The day hadn’t flown by as it usually did and he found himself unable to concentrate for a longer period of time. Despite that Tom was glad that he had decided to go to work and not to call in sick to stay home and wallow in his pain. He had done this some previous birthdays and it always ended up with him in tears at home alone with a bottle of vodka in his hand. The importance of the upcoming meeting had forced him to take a different route today and he was content that he did.

An uneventful car ride to the restaurant where the meeting would take place later Tom looked around in the dimly lit restaurant to spot the men he was supposed to meet here. Before he could take another step into the modern restaurant, with the sharp angles and big windows a waitress appeared before his eyes.

“Mr. Kaulitz nice to see you here again. Let me show you to the gentleman on table four who are already waiting for you.” The cute blond waitress with the friendly smile led Tom to a table next to one of the big windows.

Tom chose this location quite often for his business meetings because of the high quality food and the good service, but mostly because the restaurant located in one of New Yorks skyscrapers on the 30th floor had an amazing view over Manhatten. 

The afternoon had already melted into evening and Manhatten presented itself with the breathtaking beauty it only had at night and from far above. Tom smiled at the fact that his secretary who made his reservation had remembered to request one of the popular window tables and he noted that his company already had focused their attention on the view.

The three men he was about to meet came from one of New Yorks important law firms and represented a client who wanted to join his record company as a silent partner. Tom himself had never met the man, he just knew that he was rich and had a passion for music. However he didn’t want to be involved in running his record company, he just wanted to join in giving Tom the potential opportunity to buy two small companies he had had his eyes on for months.

“Gentleman I see you already spotted the reason why I asked you to have our meeting here instead of at my office.” 

Tom greeted the middle aged men with a firm hand shake.

They had met before, this was the third meeting in a row of meetings that were necessary to work out the exact conditions on which the man called Mr. Donovan would join his company and write a contract that pleased both him and Tom. 

Tom didn’t doubt that they would sign the contract today which meant he would get a lot richer than he already was and that he could start negotiations with the two small record companies in his neighborhood.

“Have you already looked at the menu, the food is delicious?”

Tom smiled and pointed at the variations of different Italian dishes with the best quality meat in town. Usually Tom chose steak in one or another variation, long gone the phase were he insisted on eating vegetarian food. The same blond waitress with the wide smile and a cute nose came to take their orders. For a moment Tom got distracted by the merrily twinkling brown eyes and the flirtatious manner the waitress was leaning towards him. 

Just as he was about to order his regular steak an instant craving for fresh pasta was hitting him. He hadn’t eaten spaghetti marinara in ages and yet it was the only thing he could think about right now. Much to his companies and his own surprise Tom ordered the simple dish that so much reminded him of his childhood.

Confused by his own behavior Tom shrugged and explained it to himself with the fact that it was his most hated day of the year and he never actually had made it this long before without laying unconsciously on the floor after drinking himself into oblivion. 

Tom disregarded the expensive red wine that the other man indulged in and chose a club soda instead. He was keen on keeping his senses together for this important business deal, eager to replace the bad memories his birthday dragged out with a pleasant one.

During dinner polite small talk was made about the weather and the traffic in New York as well as mutual acquaintances. As dessert was served, a rich dark chocolate mousse with an espresso on the side, the contract between TK records and Mr. Donovan was signed unceremoniously. 

First thing the next morning money would be transferred and Tom would be able to gain more influence in the music industry. For the teenager inside of him that had suffered under crappy record contracts that pushed the band to tour the whole world without ever getting to rest or earning any money his influence on the music industry held deep satisfaction.

Tom excused himself from the table and made his way to the restrooms. His eyes wandered through the restaurant taking in the several couples that talked intimately over a shared dessert, candlelight glistening in happy eyes and expensive jewelry. 

As he passed by their waitress she smiled at him with parted moist lips, her eyes traveling up and down his muscular body. Tom knew that before the evening was over she would slip him her phone number. Tom smiled at her with a neutral expression, just enough to be polite but at the same time to indicate that he wasn’t interested.

Tom found the waitress attractive but he would never violate his rule only to engage in sexual activities with someone who wasn’t in near parameter to his everyday life. When he went out to meet someone for the night he always left Manhattan, exploiting the hugeness of New York City. Even if Tom never lied to the girls he slept with and always had been very clear with the fact that he would be gone in the morning some girls just hoped he would change his mind.

When it came to clingy girls Tom had next to none patience and he didn’t want his private mess to interfere with his everyday life and business. The cute waitress was off limits for him since he planned on using this restaurant for business meetings even in the future.

A little later Tom washed his hands and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He noticed that the almost sleepless night had left the area under his eyes slightly swollen and blue. Tom marveled always at the luxurious restrooms, with the golden details and bowls with various things one might need like deodorants, soap that smelled like lily’s and even condoms.

Knowing that the deal was made and he needn’t to rush out to his company he checked his phone which he hadn’t done for hours, a long time for someone like Tom who treated his phone like a body part.

Amongst several work emails there it was: the name of his brother appearing green on the screen indicating that he had sent him a message. 

When Tom was about ten years old he got into fights at school on a regular basis. One day he threatened one of the class bullies that at the time had been twice his size. But Tom’s ego far exceeded his length so he picked a fight with that boy anyway. It ended with Tom getting punched in the stomach. He still could recall the feeling: the pain that swept like lightning through his whole body and the way his stomach churned. Exactly that feeling settled over Tom before opening the message.

“Happy birthday Tom. I hope you are having a wonderful day. Thinking of you…Bill”

Tom’s stomach lurched and barely made it to the toilet booth in time to empty the contents of his stomach into the shiny white toilet. Gastric acid burned all the way through his throat and made his eyes water. Tom tried to calm himself with deep breaths while holding on to the toilet with a white knuckled grip.

When he was sure it was over he stumbled outside to wash his mouth and hands. Loose strands of hair framed his pale face with blood stained eyes. Tom closed his eyes for a little while thanking the universe for the fact that no one had been in the bathroom to witness what happened.

Tom tried to gather the bits and pieced of his professionalism that still were intact and put them around himself like a cloak. With a steadiness he didn’t feel Tom approached the table to tell his company that he had gotten an emergency phone call and that he had to leave immediately. The men understood and one of them even offered him a ride after worriedly eying the young man in front of him. In the matter of minutes Tom had gone from a professional businessman with flawless demeanor to a person who looked like he had been drinking and partying three days in a row.

Tom declined the offer politely and thanked them for the evening and their time. Without even turning around he left the restaurant in a hurry.

The fresh evening air hit Tom as soon as he stepped out of the glass building. He paused a moment on the sidewalk looking at the night sky. People passed him by, laughing and talking. In the distance he heard tires scratch and an angry voice shouting something. The familiar sounds of a New York evening calmed his heated nerves. New York had become his home and he loved the city fiercely. Now the sounds and smells of the city embraced him with its familiarity.

Tom glanced down to the parking lot but decided to holler after a cab with his hands still shaking. Mere seconds after Tom had raised his hand one of the yellow cabs came to a stop right beside him. He climbed in and told the driver his address. Without uttering another word he rested his head against the cool window, absent mindedly listening to the chatter coming from the driver’s radio.

In his mind Tom twisted and turned the opportunities he got: answering or ignoring the text. A dreadful feeling had nestled in his body. Tom was convinced that no matter which choice he made it would be the wrong one. There were so many things to consider but Toms head was empty all consumed by overwhelming loneliness and longing he felt for his brother.Given the record Tom had on making bad decisions regarding Bill he had no hope for this to end well.

//Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you//

About the time when Tom met his business partners at the restaurant Bill sat at his wooden kitchen table tracing the blamishes on the surface with his fingertips.

It was the middle of the night and Bill had just gotten home from a night of clubbing with his friends. After sending a message to Tom he felt so jittery that staying home wasn’t an option. It was his birthday after all and a large amount of his friends had gathered at their favorite trance club to celebrate him and dance the whole night.

Even though several boys and girls had made advances on him during the evening he had declined each and every one of them. Today Bill had other things on his mind. While he danced to the pulsating rhythm until sweat pearled from his head he waited for a reaction to his text message. Given the time difference Bill suspected it would take hours before he could expect an answer.

From Georg and Gustav he knew that Tom owned a successful record company and had become kind of a workaholic. Bill wasn’t surprised because the tendency for that always had been inside of Tom. Bill made sure to buy the music from Toms label and always found the music innovative and the artists fresh and modern. Undoubtedly his brother had taken his talent in music to the next level.

After the night out on the club Bill had settled into his kitchen, eating a large plate of Spaghetti marinara he had purchased earlier that day at the Italian restaurant nearby. It was his favorite dish in the world and he relished the way the fresh pasta melted together with the hot tomatoes sauce and the cheese in his mouth. He ate this dish often but it always surprised him how good it actually was.

Bill finished the last on his plate and licked the tomato sauce from his slender fingers. Even though it had gotten late he decided on doing the dishes right away. The apartment was so tiny it instantly looked like a mess if Bill was lazy with housework.

When the dishes were done Bill took his clothes off and lay down on the sofa, covered with a beige fuzzy blanket. He mushed his face into his pillows and slightly dozed off into a light sleep. The hours of dancing and several drinks had exhausted him. But yet he couldn’t bring himself to go to bed, even while dozing still listening with one ear for the beeping sound that indicated that he had received a message.

Bill knew that he shouldn’t get his hopes up. After all it wasn’t the first birthday message he had send Tom in the last five years and he never got an answer. But hope was a tricky thing, even now while all the odds were against it the light inside of him still continued on convinced that someday everything would be alright again. That’s why he kept buying things for Tom because deep down he hoped that he one day would be able to give them to him.

In his darkest hours though Bill believed that he was psychologically sick, not able to let go of his brother. More than once he had dialed the number to a psychologist just to put the phone down at the last moment. It was one thing to suspect to be seriously mentally ill another thing to get it confirmed by a professional.

Bill had no idea how Tom was able to let their relationship and their bond go so easily. Five years ago he cut Bill out of his life like he never had mattered anyway. It drove Bill to a point questioning his own sanity believing that there never was a special bond, that it just was something he had made up in his distorted mind. He would look through old pictures and recordings of him singing “Into the night” for Tom and he saw their bond and their love so easily. Over and over again he told himself that he could not imagine something like that.

With Georg and Gustav as is main source of information Tom seemed to do really well without him. Tom engaged in a new career, learning new things and meeting new people while Bill struggled to even stay alive. Every breath a conscious decision to not let go of the hell his live had turned into. 

Just the constant support from his friends and his family had helped him to survive this ordeal.   
He never told anyone of them what happened between him and Tom. Even uttering the words were too painful to begin with. He knew that foremost his mother was very worried about them but he just couldn’t talk about it. Maybe someday if he decided on seeing a shrink he would be able to talk about what happened.


	3. Chapter 3

//Tears stream down your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace  
Tears stream down your face//

The first thing Tom did upon entering his apartment was brewing an espresso. With his mind’s eye he saw his secretary shake her curly head in disapproval and pushed the image away sighing. He for sure had other problems than his caffeine intake. Leaning against the marvel kitchen counter, espresso in one hand and his phone in the other Tom read Bills message over and over again. The taxi ride home had calmed him down a little so that he was able to think clearer.

He just couldn’t for the life of him figure out why such a dreadful feeling made his stomach churn. Two years ago Bill had asked about their mother’s birthday gift and he hadn’t reacted like that at all. They passed some information along and that was it.

Tom pulled at some of the loose strands of his hair. Something about that message seemed so familiar. It was like a dejá vu, a memory surfacing on the edge of his mind to shadowy and far away to see it clearly. It was like a blur of images, like snapshots that should be telling a story but the vital pieces were missing. Tom didn’t know where the feeling came from given that his brother hadn’t congratulated him on his birthday since they stopped talking five years ago.

While wandering through the spacious modern loft that he lived in Tom tried to figure out what to reply. But instead of concentrating on the problem at hand his mind pulled him over and over again to the question why this text held a familiarity it shouldn’t have. Tom recalled some of the birthday messages they exchanged before their world was ripped apart but he couldn’t remember any that resembled the text Bill had sent tonight. The former birthday messages were all fluffy cute and long messages so it couldn’t be that the feeling of familiarity came from them.

One of Tom’s prominent characteristics was that he was so stubborn and persistent others would maybe call it obsessive. When there was something he couldn’t do or a problem he couldn’t solve he would not rest until it was solved or a new skill learned. That’s how he learned to play the piano or everything there was to know about running a company. While this side of his personality often worked out as an advantage for him there were times when it influenced his behavior in a negative way.

Without a second thought Tom called Georg.

“Yes?” 

A sleepy and muffled voice answered the phone. 

“Georg, it’s me Tom.”

A hint of guilt tinged Tom’s voice as he heard the sleepy voice of his best friend. Tom hadn’t given a thought to the time difference between Germany and New York and woken up his friend in the early hours of dawn.

“Is everything ok? Has something happened?”

Georg’s voice lost all the drowsiness and became sharp in an instant. The worry made him speak louder than intended. Tom heard bed sheets rustling and a sleep heavy voice whisper something. It sounded like Tom had managed not just to wake up his best friend but his steady girlfriend as well.

“No nothing happened. I am ok; I just have to talk to you about something.”

In the silence that followed Tom was pretty sure that Georg tried to come up with several insults for waking him up at such an ungodly hour. Before Georg could say something Tom added:

“It’s about Bill.”

At the heavy sigh that he heard as a response he could imagine his best friend swallowing all the insults in light of the delicate issue Tom wanted to talk about.

“Wait a moment.”

Georg whispered, bed sheets rustled again and Tom could hear the stomping of naked feet on the floor. Georg was probably leaving the bedroom to let his girlfriend go back to sleep. For a moment Tom had a clear picture of Georg in his mind: wearing a ugly pj with his now short hair looking like a wild mop.

“Ok. Let’s talk then. What’s up?”

Tom cleared his throat and took a deep breath before answering. It wasn’t easy to bring up the topic he had avoided like the devil holy water for so long. But he needed to know why he had the gnawing feeling that there was a memory he had to remember but couldn’t because everything was a blur.

“An odd question: do you know if Bill during the last five years has sent me a birthday message? “

A huff was heard on the other end of the line.

“Tom, he sends you one every year!”

Georg’s reply came across harsher than intended. All those years of tiptoeing around the subject had worn Georg’s patience thin. Even though Georg’s and Gustav´s life’s had been effected a great deal from the war that was going on between the twins they never had gotten any explanation on what happened. To them it was like two people who were so close that not even a piece of paper would fit between them decided to flush their relationship down the drain destroying everything the four boys had ever worked for. The shallow breathing erupting from Tom told Georg that something wasn’t right.

“You haven’t gotten them? Or you don’t remember?”

Georg was highly worried about his best friend. Sometimes he didn’t even recognize his him. Tom had become a business oriented workaholic. He had drawn himself back to his shell when the fall out with Bill happened. He rarely called or made an effort to meet his friends and family. He spent all major holidays alone in fear of meeting Bill.

“I don’t…I mean I haven’t gotten any…or I think I don’t. I don’t know Georg. In the last five years on my birthday I have gotten so drunk that I didn’t even remember my own name. I don’t know what I did with these messages while I was drunk.”

“Why aren’t you drunk today then?”

Tom could sense Georg’s curiosity in the question as well as a hint of judgement.

“I had this important meeting, so I needed to be at work today. And then this evening while sitting in the restaurant I got a text from Bill. It threw me totally off track.”

Tom wasn’t keen on sharing the disgusting details of how off track he had actually been. Even though a part of him was pretty sure that Georg would find it funny.

“What did you do?”

“Nothing. I don’t know what to do.”

A deep breath was heard through the phone and the serious tone in Georg’s voice told Tom that he was about to get a lecture.

“I don’t know what happened with you guys. And frankly I don’t care anymore. What I do care about is my friends. All those years me and Gustav didn’t say a thing, we decided to stay out of your fight. But all those years I watch my best friends being miserable. I see you obsessing over work in a really unhealthy way, pushing everyone that tries to get close to you away. I am afraid that you end up alone with a heart attack by the time you are thirty. And Bill…at first he is so miserable and hurting that I couldn’t sleep at night always expecting a call telling me that my best friend has committed suicide. And then he never recovers…nooo instead he tries to hurt himself in any way possible by being with the wrong people, abusing both alcohol and drugs. I tell you what you do: Get your shit together and for fucks sake answer your ONE AND ONLY twin brother.”

In the silence following that outburst Georg’s heavy breathing echoed through the line.

“Bill is miserable?”

Tom asked in a tiny voice that rather seemed to belong to the unsecure, beaten up ten year old than the grown up man he was. A sigh was heard.

“Of course he is, dickhead!” Georg exclaimed.

Silent tears drippled down Toms face and fell onto the kitchen counter. He sniffled to stop his nose from running. There he was crying in front of his best friend like a child.

“I know this is all fucked up. Please make a small step in the right direction and answer him.”

Georg’s voice had lost the sharpness and sounded soft and reassuring.

“We love you both and we will be here for you if you need us. Go ahead now and answer him instead of wallowing about what has gone wrong. The past is the past but do something to make the future better.”

“Thank you.” Tom murmured before terminating the call to finally put together a message for his brother.

//Tears stream down your face  
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes  
Tears stream down your face. I will try to fix you//

Bill woke up from the beeping sound erupting from his phone. During his light slumber Bill had been in an uncomfortable position so that his arm and his hands felt numb. He stretched them several times, getting his blood flow going. When he felt the familiar tingling like a thousand ants were running through his fingers he reached for the abandoned phone on the coffee table.

As his eyes fell on the lit up screen a jolt of energy rushed through his body as he read his brothers name. Bill paused a moment because this moment felt so surreal. Five years’ worth of tears and pain he waited for his brother to contact him. He knew that the possibility existed that the message told him to fuck off but even that seemed better than the icing silence.

With one sweep of his finger the message was opened.

“Happy birthday Bill. Did you celebrate? I hope you had a good time. Tom”

Stunned Bill read the message over and over again. It was written like they just had talked yesterday. Like the years of silence never happened. Bill smiled through his tears because how trivial this message might seem it was the first time in years that Tom had contacted him. 

The little glowing light inside of him that represented hope started to burn a little brighter.

With stumbling fingers Bill started to answer hurriedly. Bill didn’t want to lose the connection he felt by imagining Tom sitting at the other end of the conversation reading his messages.

“My day was ok. First photoshoot and then I went out for a little dancing. Had my favorite birthday food: spagehetti marinara. How about you?”

Bill tried to keep the casual tone Toms message had dictated but couldn’t believe he actually send away a message about spaghetti. The moment the message was send he regretted it fearing Tom would think he was crazy to ramble on about his food. Bill began to pull out pieces of fluff from his fuzzy blanket and bit down on his lip ring. For a moment Bill remembered the way they interacted before when they could talk to each other about everything and each thought how strange or stupid it might have been could be shared. Bill saddened at the loss of the complete trust their relationship once upon a time was built on.

“What? Seriously? I had the same. “

Toms reply startled Bill and he blinked a couple of times in confusion. Back in the day when their twin bond still was intact things like that happened all the time. They could be out without each other just to find themselves meeting up unintentionally. At more than one occasion they went home separately from school dropping by the local candy shop just to find that they had bought the exact same mix of candy. For them it was natural to be that connected and those situations meant just that their inherited bond was working and alive. For years Bill had been convinced that the bond was either dead or something he had imagined all along.

“That’s funny. I must admit though I eat this dish pretty often. More often than I probably should.”

“I haven’t eaten it for years but today I got such a craving for it. It was you, wasn’t it? And why the hell shouldn’t you eat all the pasta you want?”

Bill smiled amused at Tom’s text. Through the lines he could see glimpses of his brother’s former self. He could so easily remember the boy in his oversized hip hop clothes and the various caps, always a funny and often inappropriate joke ready. Bill had loved his big brother with a fierceness and strength that he back then couldn’t imagine a life without him. Only in his brothers big and protective shadow Bill could shine and be himself. The complete trust to his brother had been the foundation of Bills whole being. After losing Tom he felt like a leave in the wind, blown here and there without sense or purpose.

“Yeah I suppose it was me. Well firstly I have to buy the dish from a Italian restaurant around the corner and it’s expensive so I shouldn’t spend so much money on food. Secondly fashion week is coming up, I reckon the designers won’t be thrilled if I appear there being all chubby.”

The tremble that had taken over Bills body slowed down and he was able to breath in a steady manner again. He leaned back against the soft cushion and tried to relax his rigid body by sheer will power.

“Have you gone and gotten fat?! I knew it! :-D”

A hysterical giggle erupted from Bill upon reading Toms message. A part of Bill still couldn’t believe that he was sitting in his apartment exchanging messages with Tom.

“Yes I am so fat I can’t even fit through the door anymore. They need a crane to get me out of here, but I am happy me and my pasta.”

Mere seconds after Bill hit the send button several laughing emojis appeared on the screen.

“I have to go to bed now I have an early morning. Good night and thanks for talking. Take care!”

With his whole body humming with emotions Bill himself went to bed. Alone in the king size bed his mind wandered to his brother wondering how his bedroom looked like and if he still drank a glass of milk before he went to bed. 

Tonight Bill felt as connected to Tom as he hadn’t felt for a very long time. He wasn’t sure if their bond was still there but he hoped that if it was that there might be a way to at least partially fix it. If he could apologize for everything he had done to Tom, for every pain he had caused him and for every tear shed because of him maybe someday in the future they could be brothers again. Or if not that maybe friends or acquaintances at least. But all those years of hurt and pain couldn’t be washed away by some trivial messages and Bill was afraid that it would take another year until he heard from Tom again.

In a similar king sized bed Toms thoughts lingered on his brother and a slight worry had crept upon him that his brother had money trouble and that the old teenage issues with his body had resurfaced again. If that was the case Tom knew with a certainty that brought a chill to his bones that he was the one responsible for it. Likewise as he was responsible for hurting Bill, causing him pain and shame. If only he could have been a better brother nothing of this would have happend in the first place


	4. Chapter 4

/Cross your heart and say you've never given up  
That you carried on when every door was shut  
That you live, you live with no regret!  
We wear a smile to hide that we’ve been hurt before  
Keep our disasters in a suitcase by the door,  
'Cause you know, you know we’re only human//

Tom awakened abruptly by a loud noise coming from somewhere on his left side. Startled he pushed himself to a sitting position and looked around in confusion. After some seconds he realized that the noise came from his phone on the nightstand and that it meant that he had to go up for work. Tom hadn’t slept through a whole night until his alarm went off for a very long time. He yawned, stretching his shoulders and rubbing his eyes. It’s been ages since Tom had had a good night’s dreamless sleep and a smile crossed his face thinking about the last thing he saw before falling asleep which was his brothers text message.

Tom thanked the universe that he called Georg last night. In his stubbornness he always had thought that he could manage his problems alone. Too proud to ask for help or guidance even if the problems were big and seemed overwhelming. The most of his life Tom had been a big brother and that shaped his whole personality and the way he dealt with things. He had been the care taker, the protector and when necessary even the knight in shining armor defending his little brother. Even though the twins were just mere minutes apart in age Tom had gladly accepted the role as the big brother. Because it was the person he wanted to be and for so many years he had been.

When his life fell apart and he suddenly wasn’t a big brother anymore he had nothing to hold on and nothing to guide him. Tom had never learned to ask anyone else for help because for 20 years he didn’t need to with his brother on his side who always sensed if something was wrong before he could even utter the words. The truth was that he depended on Bill just as much as Bill depended on him. 

For the world Bills dependency on his big brother was more visible for example in the way Tom held his brothers arm protectively when they walked through large crowds. It was the way he shielded him with his body from the paparazzi and grabby fans or how he fetched a sweater for Bill whenever it got a little cold.

But Tom depended just as much on his little brother. Bill was the one who could see through his funny jokes and inappropriate behavior to see the pain and the insecurity that was underneath. Without Bill in his life Tom lost all emotional balance. 

When their life’s got to crazy and he couldn’t take it anymore it was in Bills arms he cried, letting go of all the bitterness and anger that he had inside of him. It was the soft touch of Bills hands that calmed him down when he was so insecure that he was all over the place, behaving badly and making people uncomfortable. It was Bills love that made it possible for Tom to even let other people come close and not to cave for his deep fear of intimacy. 

When that love had stopped Tom wasn’t able to maintain the relationships to his family and friends as he should have because he completely shut the world out.

The deep rooted side of him that was the protective big brother still worried if Bill had money issues. Just the thought of him living like he did, with all the money he had and the luxurious lifestyle while his brother couldn’t eat his favorite pasta for dinner every night made him sick. But there was no way he could ask Bill about it, given that they just started to talk again. Tom took his phone from the nightstand to hastily send a message before he had to get ready for work.

“Georg, do you know if Bill has money issues? You would tell if he had? Even if he made you promise you wont?

While contemplating his relationship to his brother and worrying about him more time had passed than he expected so Tom had to take a quick shower before he headed off to work. 

//So lay your hands on the left behind  
We all know how it feels to be forgotten for a while.  
In a crowded place trying not to feel alone,  
Just remember that we’ve all been broken once!  
Let’s love the broken ones//

About the time Tom made it a little stressed to work Georg and Gustav were sitting in a sunny Berlin, enjoying a late lunch at one of the best restaurants in town. The patio were the two man were seated was an intimate place, shielded from the eyes of the city through huge stone walls. With the sunlight filtering through green leaves and different flowers growing around them it felt like a little secluded paradise in the city.

Georg and Gustav met up for lunch on a regular basis. Georg lived nowadays in Berlin and Gustav visited him there about once a month and Georg spend one Sunday dinner every month with Gustav and his wife in Magdeburg. This visit however had been unplanned. Georg called Gustav after yesterday’s events to talk through some important things regarding the twins.

Two months ago Georg had proposed to his girlfriend and she had said yes. The couple was really excited for their engagement and had already started on planning the wedding. Georg had told Gustav about his plans right away and the silent drummer was overly excited when Georgs girlfriend said yes to the engagement. It was wonderful news because the couple was happy together and it showed how much they loved each other. 

Because of the ongoing silence between the twins Georg hadn’t talked to them about the news. Part of him was sad that he couldn’t share these life changing news with his best friend Tom. There was no doubt in Georgs mind that when he got married he wanted his three best friends in his wedding entourage, Tom as his best man.

It’s been two month and not a single day went by without Georg worrying how he could ask both of the twins to come to his bachelor party and his wedding given that they hadn’t spoken to each other for years, let alone seen each other in person. After yesterday’s events however Georg had gained a little hope and was finally ready to tell the twins.

“I think it’s best to schedule a skype group call. I first ask them to agree to a group call and say that I have important news and then I tell them”.

Georg took a bite of a giant juicy looking burger and chewed frenetically.

“Don’t you think it’s easier to tell them in private one by one?” Gustav questioned.

Georg thought a minute about Gustavs idea and shook his head in response.

“I don’t think so. If I ask them one by one they’ll have the chance to wriggle themselves out but if I tell them simultaneously they won’t dare to decline in front of the other. Its mean I know.”

Gustav chuckled a little at Georg’s defensiveness. While taking a sip from his ice cold bear he nodded in approval of the plan.

“Mean? Maybe. But this is your day and you should have the opportunity to celebrate it with your friends. And after what you told me about last night maybe there is a little hope that they get their shit together so that they at least can be in the same room.”

Georg smiled at Gustav and thanked the universe for the silent, persistent and reassuring presence of his friend in his life. By now Gustav had become more like a brother than a friend.

“I haven’t texted him back on the money question. Such an odd thing to ask, right? I mean we all can live comfortably from the Tokio Hotel money. “

Gustav just shrugged in response and continued devouring an enormous plate of fish and chips.

“You know Tom, maybe his overprotective side has come back now that he at least talked to Bill,” he speculated.

Georg got started on a message for Tom to explain that he didn’t know anything about money problems. After that he chose his words carefully to ask Tom to agree to a skype group call with the four former band mates. The same message in some variation was send to Bill as well.

Both men knew that the nut to crack was Tom with his unhealthy stubbornness. They were pretty sure they could convince Bill at least.

//Raise your glass to all the words we never say  
We do our best, but still we look the other way,  
'Cause sometimes it’s easier to run  
'Cause after all, we’re only human!//

Bill woke up from the sunlight on his face that came through the only partially closed curtains. As he slowly opened his sleep heavy eyes he concluded by the brightness of the light that it must already be noon. He yawned and nestled himself once again under the covers. He had no meetings to attend that day and he enjoyed the luxury of sleeping in and having a lazy day in bed. As he slowly drifted off to sleep again a beeping sound dragged him back from dream land.

Without opening his eyes he found his phone on the nightstand. With one eye cracked open he looked at the messages and deemed Georg’s one as to important to go back to sleep so he opened his eyes fully and read it properly.

The request for a skype group call seemed a little odd to Bill. Georg knew that he and Tom weren’t talking before last night and he had always respected it and made no effort to force them together in all those years. Bills thoughts wandered to the messages he had exchanged with his brother last night. If he would agree to the group call it wouldn’t take another birthday for them to talk to each other.

As different emotions ran through Bill that ranged from excitement to apprehension one thing became clear: Bill longed to see his brother even if it just was a glimpse through a webcam.

At his mother’s house he had seen pictures of her and Tom at one of her annual visits to New York. The dark haired man with the beard and the suits looked nothing like his brother. However it took just one look at similar almond shaped eyes and he knew that under all the layers of adulthood and professionalism there was still his twin.

Bill was highly aware that if he agreed to a skype meeting it wouldn’t be easy. Actually it probably would be rather hurtful to see his brother again. The truth was Bill had no idea how to handle the situation. The tone in Georg’s message sounded so urgent and Bill decided to comply to a skype meeting. 

Bill knew fully well that what happened between him and Tom had affected the G’s as well. Despite that they had stayed loyal friends even during the last bumpy years when neither Bill nor Tom had been a good friend to them. They were far to tangle up in their own problems to realize that the situation also affected their best friends.

A slight nausea settled over Bill as he wrote a short message to Georg agreeing to a skype group call later that afternoon.

 

//Sometimes we’re left behind,  
Feel like the only one,  
But we were born to try  
Yeah, we’re only human!//

Tom had made it in time to his first appointment. During last night’s events and the focus on Bill the important business deal that he made last night had been pushed to the back of his mind. He settled into his office with a cup of coffee in hand that he had fetched himself from the espresso bar downstairs to avoid any accidents with funny tasting teas. 

The whole day was filled with important meetings with his banker and lawyers from the legal department. More papers needed to be signed and decisions had to be made regarding the purchase of the two small record companies located in his neighborhood.

The day flew by and Tom had barely time to catch his breath or take a break. When there was a couple of minutes over Tom fetched himself some coffee and a bagel. Even his secretary didn’t comment on that because she knew about the chaotic day Tom had to go through. Seated at his desk, with the salmon bagel in one hand and the phone in the other Tom read through todays messages.

Georg’s message startled him to a point that the bagel in his mouth turned into paper. The feeling of pure panic jolted through Toms body. He wasn’t ready for this. He could barely hold himself together when exchanging messages on the phone with his brother. There was no way he would agree to this stupid idea. 

Just the thought of looking into Bills eyes even through a webcam made him feel uncomfortable and mostly terrified. He had never been good at hiding things from his twin. There was no way he could act calm and neutral when Bill was watching him with those doe eyes.

Tom declined to attend the skype meeting. But he hadn’t counted on Georg being persistent and demanding. With sharpness Georg reminded him of all the times he had saved Toms ass and the way he had stood by him even through these rough last years. After several pleading messages from Georg Tom was about to be eaten alive by his own guilt. An apocalyptical feeling had nestled into his stomach when he finally agreed to the skype call.


	5. Chapter 5

//Say something I’m giving up on you  
I’ll be the one if you want me to.  
Anywhere I would’ve followed you  
Say something I’m giving up on you//

After Tom’s agreement to the skype group call with his friends and his brother he was falling to pieces by the minute. He tried to concentrate on the last few meetings he had but he couldn’t stay focused. Right in the middle of his lawyers monologue about how the offer to the other record companies should be formulated Tom realized that he hadn’t heard a word of what the greyed haired man in the expensive suit explained to him.

At the end the staff from the legal department felt the need to ask Tom if he had second thoughts about the purchase because, as they pointed out, he looked terrified the whole meeting. It took some time to convince them that the look on Toms face didn’t have anything to do with the upcoming purchase and that he wanted to send the offer as soon as possible.

It happened seldom that Tom wished to be a child again but right there and then, leaning against the copy machine and staring at the papers in his hand without even being able to comprehend a single word, he wished to be five years old again. 

Back then life was simple, Tom contemplated. When he was terrified because he had seen something on tv that frightened him he could crawl into Bills bed in the evening and calm down. Just laying close to his brothers warm body eased any fear he might have had in an instant. Bill had always been a cuddler, so with Bills tiny arms around his neck he could go to sleep warm, content and save.

Of course he never admitted that to his little brother and pretended the sloppy wet kisses Bill would put on his cheek and the cuddling in the evening was something he didn’t like and just complied to for his brothers sake. Bill always laughed at Toms nose wrinkled in pretend disgust. Tom was pretty sure Bill never believed a word anyway.

Tom really cherished the memories of a time when he was so in tune with his twin brother he didn’t even need to be in the same room to feel what was going through Bills mind and how he was doing. It was the time before the adults began to tell them that it was wrong to rely just on one another and not let anybody else in. 

Their parents started to invite other children on play dates that never went well. At some point a child would grab Bills toy which made the little sensitive boy sad. Then Tom got angry because someone made his little brother cry and he defended him with, as the adults put it, inappropriate aggressive behavior. Tom thought back then he couldn’t find something inappropriate in throwing sand at the bully kid that made his brother sad. He still couldn’t to be perfectly honest.

It was a difficult time for the twins when they got told off for talking in their own made up language or sleeping innocently in the same bed. To them it felt like the world around them thought that their bond was a bad thing. After a while he stopped telling his mum when Bill cried why he was sad. Too often he got a harsh comment that he shouldn’t speak for his brother because Tom couldn’t possibly know what’s going on even though he did. 

Even as an adult and after everything that happened Tom felt still sad about the way the adults around them treated their twin relationship. As a grown up man he could partially understand that it isn’t easy to raise two children that rely so much on one another that even the parents felt obsolete.

When Bill learned riding the bike he had a hard time controlling his clumsy limps. Often he would fall of the bike scraping his knees and his elbows. Not once he ran inside crying like the other kids screaming for their mum. Instead their mum found them on the sidewalk, Bills large brown eyes filled with tears while Tom petted his knee and held his hand to make him smile again.

Back at his office Tom wasn’t able to do anything else but stare how the clock ticked the minutes and seconds away to the skype call.

Finally it was time and one after one the dots that indicated that his friends were online turned green. Tom’s heart skipped a beat when he saw his brother coming online and he swallowed around the lump in his throat that got bigger by the minute.

During important business deals, where much money was at stake Tom could keep his coolness. But now his hands were wet with sweat and he repeatedly wiped them off on his expensive black trousers. An intense nausea threatened to send him to the bathroom, he struggled to keep the contents of his lunch down in his stomach were it belonged.

When the screen changed indicating an incoming group call Tom was close to run screaming out of the building. It took all his willpower to accept the call with a mouse click.

First the blurry screen made it impossible to see anything until the connection got stable and three faces looked at him. Tom focused his eyes on Georg, wearing a white shirt looking all intellectual with his big black glasses and the short hair. Gustav looked like he had done for years. Even though Tom couldn’t see it he was pretty sure that Gustav wore shorts. A blue cap sat neatly on his blond hair.

Warmth spread through him as he looked at the faces of his friends and greeted everyone with a neutral hello. It had been far too long since he last saw them in person and spent proper time with them. 

In the irony of the universe the boxes of Georg’s and Gustav’s camera were small while Bills box covered the whole left side of the screen. Logically Tom knew skype did this randomly but right then it for sure didn’t feel like it.

Tom’s eyes were magnetically pulled to his twin. There he sat on a chair, cradling his knees, wearing grey sweatpants and a black shirt that had seen better days. Soft, fluffy short hair framed Bills face like a glory. Tom saw several new piercings his brother hadn’t had back then as well as tattoos on the one visible arm. 

Tom drowned in big chestnut colored eyes looking directly at him. Of course this was just an illusion because Bill couldn’t know he was looking at him. Deep down inside however Tom knew that Bill did. He heard Georg and Gustav talk, a mere chatter from far away like Tom suddenly was under water. He tried to focus but he couldn’t, his eyes roaming the figure of his brother frenetically taking in every detail.

The sudden silence told Tom that he probably was expected to say something but in panic his tongue made knots on itself. He had no idea what the others had said however he was sure he hadn’t heard Bills voice.

“Tom, are you ok?”

A worried looking Georg came closer to the camera as if he was able to breach the distance between them and step right out of the screen.

“Äh…yes…just..ähm…tired,” Tom answered while nervously pulling at a strand of his hair.

Georg and Gustav seemed to exchange a knowing look before nodding and going ahead.

“I asked you guys to this call because I have news I want to tell you. I am getting married in six months.”

Georg looked expectantly at the camera and was rewarded with a high pitched squeal from Bill.

“OMG! That’s fantastic! So romantic! I want to hug you right now, mate”, Bill chuckled in a tone that sounded like pure bliss.

Tom had tried to prepare himself for this skype call by reminding himself not to let Bills doe eyes affect him. What he never thought about was the effect that angelic voice would have on him. Goose bumps erupted all over Tom’s body and his heart started pumping faster. He could feel the adrenalin flush his system.

It was the same voice that sang to him if he couldn’t sleep when they were children. The voice that had said a thousand times “I love you Tomi”. Tom remembered the first time Bill had sung /Into the night/ to him right after he had written the song for him. They twins had been sitting on the bed, facing each other when Bill said he had a surprise for Tom. He had been so overwhelmed with emotions that he just dragged a surprised Bill in a tight embrace, putting a kiss on his temple.

Tom tried frenetically to form words, remember words but he just opened and closed his mouth like a fish on land. He wanted to tell Georg that he was happy for him but the power it took to hold the tears down was almost too much.

“Congratulations,” Tom said in a voice that didn’t even belong to him. Tom cleared his throught and added “I am so happy for you two.”

Tom touched his brother’s face on the screen imagining the warm skin under his fingertips.

“Billa,” he said with a tear-filled voice. That one word held all the emotions that ran through Toms body, all the unspeakable things he wanted to say but couldn’t. 

 

//And I… I am feeling so small  
It was over my head  
I know nothing at all  
And I…will stumble and fall  
I am still learning to love  
Just starting to crawl//

When Tom said his name like that, using their child nickname the emotions crashed over Bill like a tidal wave. A maelstrom of images passed before his mind’s eye and dragged him back to the past. 

Images of him and Tom holding hands on a rollercoaster mingled with the taste of strawberry lollypop that Tom used to buy for Bill at the local candy shop when he was in a bad mood. It was the feeling of endless hot summers spend laughing at the pool, the smell of sunscreen on sun warm skin, the way the warm summer evening air caressed one’s body. It was the loving look from soft brown eyes when he had fallen down, sticky hands clasp together at their favorite amusement park.

When Bill looked in Toms brown eyes it felt like home.

Bill gasped as he realized why he had acted the way he did the past years. Seeking thrills in legal and illegal rush’s, always searching for something. It was home Bill had searched for all along.

Gustav and Georg had watched the silent interplay and decided to interrupt to take some of the tension out of the air.

“Thank you Bill and Tom. We have already started on planning the wedding. It’s a chaos of color samples and cake testing, I can tell you that. “

Georg and Gustav laughed, while Gustav’s laugh sounded a little gloating given the fact that he had avoided all that by eloping and getting married on a remote island.

“However of course I want all three of you in the wedding entourage. Tom, would you do me the honor of being my best man?”

“Of course I will! That’s such an honor, thank you.”

A big smile crossed Toms face feeling genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. It meant the world to him that he had been chosen as a best man and Bill could see the joy in his eyes.

“Bill, I would like to ask you to sing the song to our first dance as a wedded couple. You can take one already existing or write one on your own. To us it’s just important that it’s you who sings. “

Bills eyes sparkled like someone had sprinkled over fairy dust over his whole being. He was such a romantic soul and being involved in such an intimate and important part of the wedding would be a great honor.

“I’ll write one myself of course! Thank you. I just need to find one to help me with the music, but that’s no problem.”

Bill had already started on putting together a list in his head of potential musicians he could ask to help out.

“Ehm…if you want to…I mean I can help with the music part. If you want to of course…?”

All eyes darted to Tom in surprise and he started to wring his hands nervously.

“Yes of course….ehm you know….for it to work we would have to meet at least once?” 

Bill whispered hesitantly.

The Gs’ simultaneously excused themselves to attend the bathroom or fetch a glass of water.

Tom’s eyes were glued to his hands but finally he had the strength to lift his gaze and look straight at his brother.

“I would love that!” He said firmly trying to overcome his fears, the blame and the guilt that had lodged itself deep into his soul.

Bill gasped for air in desperation. He had held his breath to hear Toms answer almost certain his big brother wasn’t aware of the fact that he would have to meet him in order to help him to fix the song for Georg.

“Me to,” Bill whispered silently, smiling at Tom for the first time in years.

All of a sudden Bill realized he was alone with Tom which made him self-conscious. He started fidgeting at the hem of his shirt and bounce up and down on his chair. He regretted his decision on his casual clothing. Here he was in some sweatpants while his brother was deadly gorgeous in the dark suit he was wearing.

“You look good Bill,” Toms reassuring voice drifted from the speakers like he had sensed Bills thoughts which he probably had.

A flush crept from Bills neck to his cheeks, making his eyes almost glisten feverish.

Thankfully the G’s chose that moment to return with their beverages. Georg explained more of the details like when the wedding would be and that they would celebrate in Berlin. He also added that he hoped that the three of them could together plan a bachelor party. Directed at Tom’s wicked grin he explained that he promised his girlfriends that no strippers would be involved.

As a response Tom muttered: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” which made the four boys laugh out loud. 

//Say something I’m giving up on you  
I am sorry that I couldn’t get to you  
Anywhere I would have followed you  
Say something, I’m giving up on you//

The door to his office was opened loudly and Tom looked up with angry eyes already prepared to tell whoever it was off when his eyes fell on his secretary that had raised both hands like she knew what Tom was going to say.

“Sorry I know you didn’t wanted to be disturbed, but there is one signature missing on the papers that need signing in order to get the offer out today. I hope its ok that I barge in like that but you said the purchase is first priority.”

Tom sighed heavily and composed a professional face.

“One moment please, I will be done in a minute.”

When the secretary once again had left the room Tom focused his eyes again on the screen where the conversation had stopped when Tom got interrupted.

“Sorry guys I need to go, you heard it. No rest for the wicked.”

All emotions were gone from Toms face and all of a sudden he really looked like the rich CEO that he was. The change was subtle but Bill detected it right away. It was like Tom had already pushed away his friends and his brother to go back to burry himself and all his emotions into work. It was Toms coping mechanism as well as protection so it was so easy to him to fall back on it.

“Tom…we message regarding the song?” Bill inquired with a tinge of sadness in his voice.

Tom gave a short nod and was about to terminate the call when Bill added pleadingly: “please!”

Tom snapped out of it when he looked in his brothers sad eyes looking like a wounded doe. He had done his best to take steps in the right direction after hearing Georg tell him about Bill being miserable without him. He didn’t want to snap the thin thread that was connecting him to his brother once again.

“I’ll message you tonight….promise!”

Tom cast a last reassuring smile to his brother before ending the call and dealing with work.


	6. Chapter 6

// And I…will swallow my pride  
You’re the one that I love  
And I’m saying goodbye//

In the velvety embrace of the night Tom could for the first time let his thoughts trace back everything that happened that day. The opened windows let in the warm breeze that caressed Tom’s naked body in a soothing way. He was tired to his bones but he could not yet let go of today’s events to succumb to sleep.

In many ways Tom had surprised himself how he had handled the situation of meeting his brother after all those years. His plan had been not to be affected by his brother’s presence or at least not to let it show if he was. Instead the emotions had rolled over him and buried all his intentions underneath.

Tom was still terrified of the fact that he had offered his brother help with the song for Georg. A promise he now couldn’t go back on without hurting his best friends feeling and possibly his brothers to. But he had no idea how he could be in the same room with Bill without going crazy.

The truth was that the guilt for what he had done five years ago ate him alive and seeing his brother today had brought back all the feelings of shame and self loath that he felt towards himself and that were the reason why he cut out his brother from his life entirely.

He had sworn himself to protect his brother no matter what and if it meant he had to protect Bill from himself than he would do that. Even if it meant that he could not have a relationship with his brother at all. It was a huge prize to pay and yet he couldn’t risk hurting Bill.

When Georg told him that Bill was miserable Tom had been partially surprised. Tom was the one terminating the contact to Bill and because he thought Bill had never tried to reach out to him that it was something Bill wanted as well. A part of him still wondered why Bill wasn’t happy to have gotten rid of him after what happened all those years ago.

But today while talking to Bill he hadn’t felt disgust or apprehension, what he felt was a feeling that mirrored his own: a longing for each other.

Tom repeatedly carded his hands through his long brown hair. The whole situation had him confused and on edge. In the blur of emotions he couldn’t even tell any more what was right and what was wrong and that fact scared him deeply.

His inability of telling right from wrong had led to this situation in the first place and no matter how he tossed and turned the problem in his mind he didn’t know which route to take from here. Right about now he could use some advice but there was no one in the entire world he could talk to, no one who would even remotely understand the difficult situation he and his brother were in.

Tom tried to calm himself down knowing he couldn’t solve anything now but he just couldn’t fall asleep. Every time he closed his eyes the image of his brother appeared before them, memories passed by eating his determination to stay away from his brother piece by piece. Sweat gathered on his back and suddenly he couldn’t stay in the warm bed.

Just clad in a pair of black boxer shorts he went to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. With his eyes falling on the phone he had mindlessly put on the counter earlier this evening Tom sipped the water in deep thought. There were so many different roads to choose but he felt like every single one of them led him back to his brother. No matter what he did he was afraid that he would continue hurting the one person he loved more than life itself.

When Tom picked up the phone he convinced himself that it was because he had tried to stay away from Bill but that had caused his little brother pain and made him miserable. Maybe he could try to do the opposite and see where that would lead them.

Deep down however Tom knew full well that the message he started to write to his brother was born out of the deep longing he felt to be close to his brother even if it just was through a message.

“Good night Bill. It was so good to see you today. Tom”

Tom hit the send button before he could regret his actions. After all he had promised to message Bill. He chuckled a little at his minds way of trying to justify his actions. But there was the faint possibility that he could try to fix his relationship with his brother if he could hold his shit together.

In opposite to five years ago Tom knew now what was at stake and he could keep himself under control and be the good brother he was supposed to be. If Bill would find it in his heart to forgive him for all the horrible and hurtful things he had done maybe there was a chance.  
Tom stared at the screen and prayed to God and the universe that there was a chance because seeing his brother had ripped open the barely healed scars and he was bleeding on the inside.

“Good night Tom. Sleep well. Yes it was, I missed you.”

Tom felt like his heart was breaking into a million pieces and he had to go to the window and look out into the night illuminated by a thousand lights. He could feel the slightly cool evening air on his body and he tried to convince himself that their problems didn’t mean anything in the greater scheme of things. That there would be millions of broken hearts after them as there were millions before them and neither of them mattered in the end.

“Oh Bill…you have no idea how much I missed you.”

Tom’s defenses’ were crumbling to pieces and he didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. Five years he had fought to stay away from his brother because he didn’t deserve it to be near him. Every day without Bill had been an agonizing struggle.  
He knew that he didn’t deserve his brother’s love or forgiveness but how could he turn it down when it was offered.

“Tom we need to do the song for Georg’s wedding, the bachelor party and the wedding itself but then promise me that we will talk. A real talk about everything that happened. You have to promise. I can’t pretend like nothing’s happened. Please”

A feeling like he was standing on the edge of a big cliff and his brother was asking him to jump spread through Tom. He knew the day would come when his brother demanded the explanation he so much deserved. A part of Tom had hoped that if he disappeared from Bills life that he never had to give that explanation. Amongst all the different reasons to cutting his brother out of his life this one was by far the most selfish.

“I promise. I know you have no reason to trust me or forgive me but I promise you we will talk.”

//Say something I’m giving up on you  
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you  
Anywhere I would have followed you  
Say something I’m giving up on you//

Bill had been devouring a giant bowl of cereals when Tom’s first message arrived. Now the half eaten bowl was abandoned on the kitchen table, the cereal turning soggy and the spoon leaving puddles of milk on the wooden surface.

Now Bill was on his bed, lying on his belly propped up on some of his several pillows. He shook his head on Tom’s last message. In one way Tom was right: he had no reason to trust him given that he had abandoned him without a word. It was like an oozing wound, infected and painful.

When Tom decided to cut Bill out of his life he destroyed all the self worth Bill had. He was convinced that if not even his twin brother could love him enough to stay with him who would. Over and over again Bill had analyzed what happened five years ago. He had gone back weeks before the incident wondering what he could have done differently to prevent his brother from leaving him.

So often he wished he could go back in time to tell his former self to hold on to Tom with all that he got. If he had known he was about to lose Tom he had held on to him so hard they would have been forced to break his arms to remove him from his brother.

But as the situation had been Bill had no idea that his life was about to turn into hell. Until the moment it happened he had never ever considered that there was the possibility that Tom could leave him. And looking back he sometimes wished he hadn’t been so certain of his brother’s love. Maybe if he had been less annoying, demanding and clingy Tom would have loved him enough to stay.

In his mind he had gone over every little fight they had, every time he acted like a drama queen or he pushed for his brother’s attention being generally obnoxious.

“That’s enough for me, I believe you. Sweet dreams big brother “

Bills fingers trembled while writing his reply. If there was a chance that he finally would get an explanation he couldn’t ruin it by pressuring Tom too much. One thing Bill was sure about that he needed that explanation to be able to move forward. He didn’t know if he could forgive his brother for abandoning him but either way he needed to hear from Toms point of view what happened five years ago. Even if they couldn’t repair their relationship maybe then he could find some closure.

Deep down Bill still hoped that there was a chance for them because seeing Tom had been like being on a rollercoaster, a mixture of different feelings rushing through his body.

“Sleep well and I hope you have sweet dreams as well. You for sure deserve them.”

A tingling sensation spread from Bills belly throughout his whole body. After a little while recognized that it was a hint of happiness and he smiled. He hugged his pillow and memories crushed over him a like wave of situations were Tom had made him happy. There were so many of them and Bill wondered if they somehow could erase the bad ones by making new good ones


	7. Chapter 7

//Come up to meet you  
Tell you I'm sorry  
You don't know how lovely you are  
I had to find you  
Tell you I need you  
Tell you I set you apart//

Six weeks later….

The weeks had passed by Tom in a hasty blur. He successfully managed to buy two small record companies, making his own even bigger and more influential. Tom often worked 12 hours a day, trying to keep up with business as usual as well as incorporating the staff of the other companies into TK records. At first the changes were met with apprehension and anxiety both from his current staff as well as the new one. As soon as everybody understood that nobody would lose their jobs, the atmosphere lightened up considerably.

Tom pointed out that every single one of them was needed to lead the company to success. In the hectic days of the purchase Tom had to rely on his competent team to get daily business done alongside with the thousand other things that Tom had on his to do list every day. He had barely time to catch his breath or take a break for lunch or dinner.

Despite the chaos that had taken over Tom’s life he managed to stay in contact with Bill. The thin silk thread that represented the connection the twins shared once again was barely visible and very delicate so Tom tried his best to not let work get in the way of his goal of once again having a relationship with his brother.

Tom sent messages to Bill asking about the progress in his songwriting or simply wished him good night in the evenings. It wasn’t much and they both avoided heavy subjects dedicated to make it through Georg’s wedding and any obligations tied to it before they could talk about everything that happened.

In the evenings Tom took some time on his piano to come up with a suiting melody for the lyrics Bill send him. It was a work in progress but eventually they had come to the point where they couldn’t do much else without actually meeting up and work on the song together.

With everything that was going on in Tom’s life he simply couldn’t take a vacation and travel to France where Bill lived at the moment. That’s why Bill agreed upon coming to New York so that they could work on Georg’s song together and Bill could get some shopping done. Bill loved New York as well so he had ensured Tom it wasn’t much of a sacrifice for him to travel all the way to America.

Tom sat at his desk moving stacks of papers from one side to the other. The “to do” pile grew by the minute and the “done” pile hadn’t grown for hours. Tom glanced repeatedly out of his window to calm his nerves with a breathtaking New York view. 

On ordinary days Tom barely looked at the view anymore because he had gotten so used to it. But today he could use anything that would help him calm his nerves. Tom looked at his swiss designer watch and stated that Bill would be half way across the Atlantic by now.

In the evening the brothers would meet for dinner. Even if Tom had never been this nervous not even on their first big concert with Tokio Hotel he was happy that their first encounter for years would not be on Georg’s wedding with all eyes on them. After all the fight between the twins had been a subject to greedy gossip for years.

Tom had reserved a table at a small and intimate Italian restaurant where they would be able to talk a bit without drawing attention to them. He hadn’t mailed the details to Bill yet but he assumed that Bill would go straight to the hotel after landing to freshen up and rest a bit before they would meet up.

Tom scribbled a note on a yellow post it to remind him to ask Bill which Hotel he was staying in so that he could send a driver to pick his brother up for dinner. Right now he couldn’t reach Bill anyways with his phone switched off for the flight.

//Tell me your secrets  
And ask me your questions  
Oh let's go back to the start  
Running in circles; coming up tails  
Heads on a science apart//

Bill was absent mindedly staring out of the airplane window, twisting a loose thread of his jeans around his finger. The music in his earphones was reduced to a soothing background noise and he focused his thoughts on the upcoming meeting with Tom.

Deep in thoughts he didn’t see the stewardess passing by handing out drinks and food. Nobody dared to address the silent boy with the sad look in his eyes who refused to look around with his gaze fixated on the white clouds.

Bill was in a state of utter panic and joy at the same time. If someone had told him before you could dread something so completely and at the same time wanting it so much he had accused that person of being out of their minds. As it turned out he was absolutely capable of having such opposite feelings regarding his meeting with Tom.

The past weeks had been pretty stressful for Bill as well who had attended a fashion week as model which meant endless hours of waiting, dressing and getting make up done. It was exhausting and the lack of food didn’t help to make it easier. On fashion week it was an unspoken rule to eat as little as possible to fit even in the tiniest garments. 

Because of the traveling to the different fashion shows Bill had barely time to prepare for his upcoming America trip practically or otherwise. He hadn’t even had the time to look an up a decent hotel yet but he wasn’t worried. Either Tom could recommend a good one or he maybe could even stay at his place. He hadn’t talked about the details of this trip with Tom but he had mailed him the time he arrived and assumed that Tom would pick him up on the airport.

The flight seemed to last forever and at the same time be way too short. Bills stomach churned and his hands were covered in cold sweat when he finally had made it through security and just seconds away from meeting his big brother after all those years. He slowly moved out of the doors pushing his baggage cart before him. Bill gazed of the crowd that had assembled by the entrance to welcome their family and friends. But as hard as he gazed he couldn’t spot Toms familiar face in the crowd.

Bill moved to the side to take his phone out to check if Tom had messaged him that he would be late; something that Bill guessed could happen on Tom’s hectic days. He assumed his brother would be there any minute and he passed the time with getting himself a coffee and sitting down to catch his breath.

As the minutes passed by without a sign from Tom Bill checked if he had written a wrong time in his mail to Tom. But everything was ok, no time zone confusion. Bill didn’t want to be too pushy but after some time he decided to message Tom to ask where he was. But he got no answer and Tom didn’t show up.

An ice-cold horrible feeling crossed through Bill when he finally realized that his brother wouldn’t come. For a moment he watched the happy families reunited, hugging each other and he wondered if coming to America had been a stupid idea all along. The little boy inside of him had wished for Tom to pick him up at the airport and welcome him after all those years with a hug. As it turned out Tom didn’t welcome him at all. Either he had forgotten about Bill arriving today or he had backed out, afraid of meeting him eye to eye after all.

Bill gathered his belongings and made his way out the airport to find a taxi that could take him into the city. His first idea was to start the search for a hotel but during the cab right to downtown Manhattan he changed his mind and told the driver to get him to TK records. If Tom had decided on backing out Bill would make Tom look him in the eyes and tell him that to his face instead of cowardly backing out. He had come all the way to the USA to meet his brother and he didn’t deserve to be treated like that.

All the way to his destination anger flared through Bills veins, his vision clouded by unshed tears. This was in a way the culmination of years were Bill had felt unloved, unworthy and unimportant. Bill had no doubt Tom would pick up a business associate from the airport but his own brother just wasn’t important enough.

When he got out of the cab he admired the tall skyscraper with the glass walls. It was a sunny day and a clear blue sky mocked Bills dark feelings. Upon entering the spacious and luxurious lobby he gazed around in awe. The entrance hall was styled like a Mediterranean patio with a fountain in the middle. At a giant marvel counter several people seemed to be busy. When he approached the counter that he assumed was some kind of reception, a dark haired woman smiled friendly at him.

“How can I help you?”

“Hello, I am looking for TK records, on which floor can I find it?”

A wide smile crossed her lip-gloss pink lips and she chuckled a little.

“Well on all of them, that depends who you want to talk to? This whole building belongs to TK records.”

At this revelation Bills jaw dropped and it took a couple of seconds until he found his composure.

“I want to talk to Tom Kaulitz.”

“Who doesn’t? Do you have an appointment? What’s your name?”

She started to tip frenetically on her keyboard Bill guessed to access Toms time schedule.

“Ähm…no I haven’t. I am his brother Bill Kaulitz.”

Startled the receptionist looked up at the boy in front of her. Frowning she studied his face and the bags on the floor. She had never heard that her boss had a brother but then Tom was very private and she had no idea what kind of family he had. She was in a difficult position: if she led this man in and he turned out to be a lunatic stalker she would be in trouble as well as if she denied him access and he really was Tom’s brother.

She conjured up the image of Tom as he had looked early this morning when he had greeted her friendly on his way to his office: dark hair in a knot, light grey suit and green shirt. But as she looked at the boy in front of her she saw the same chestnut colored and almond shaped eyes, the lips that curved in the same way and the perfect nose. They shared the same beauty.

“You find his office at floor ten. He is in the building but as I see he is in a meeting right now. Just tell his secretary that you are looking for him, she’ll take it from there.”

“Thank you so much.”

Bill nodded and gathered once again his bags and took the elevator up to Tom’s office.

//Nobody said it was easy  
It's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be this hard  
Oh take me back to the start //

Tom was holding his first staff meeting with the new staff as well as the former one. It was an important meeting where he wanted to once again share his vision for the company with his employees and encourage them to learn from each other and benefit from the additional knowledge that the new staff had brought into the company. He was aware that all of them had an adjustment period ahead of them but he wanted to go ahead as a visible role model for all his employees. The words “feedback” “vision” and “goals” were written in tall letters on a smartboard.

He was just about to talk about last year’s sell statistics when his eyes wandered through the glass wall that separated the meeting room and out to his secretary’s desk. His hand froze in mid gesture and all the color was suddenly drained from his face. Tom had to blink twice to test if he had a hallucination. But as he opened his eyes again the same sight met him: his brother standing at his front desk talking to his secretary.

For a couple of seconds Toms mind went total blank, white noise buzzing in his ears and panic rushing through him and sweeping every clear thought away. In order to keep his panic down Tom had the first time when he would meet Bill after all those years well planned. Nothing would be left to chance. But there he was: his little brother standing in his office and the eyes of his combined staff were on him.

Tom felt like a deer in the headlights just able to stare at the danger that was about to hit him but unable to do something about it. As the control freak Tom was he just couldn’t handle that his brother had taken all the control from his hands and forced him to react to a situation that never should have occurred in the first place.

As his secretary caught his stare she waved at him and silently pointed at Bill who stood there with what seemed to be his entire luggage. His employees had begun to whisper amongst each other eyeing their otherwise so controlled boss who seemed taken aback by the mysterious visitor. Tom knew he had to get out there and get Bill in another preferably secluded room where he could ask him what the hell he was doing at his office.

With all his willpower Tom arranged his face to a professional expression; he had not the luxury of letting his emotions show, not in front of his entire crew.

Chestnut colored eyes stared at him as he approached his brother holding an array of emotions Tom couldn’t quite pinpoint. He reminded himself of all the staring eyes in his back and pushed every feeling in the far corner of his mind. Deep down he wanted to run to his brother swipe him off his feats and hug him and never let go again.

“Bill…what are you doing here?”

Bill opened his mouth like he wanted to say something but closed it again without uttering a word. After a while he seemed to remind himself that Tom waited for an answer.

“You didn’t come to the airport that’s why I came here to find you.”

“Should I have been at the airport? I hope I didn’t promise I would pick you up. I was under the impression we would meet up for dinner.”

A flush crept from Bills neck to his cheeks, his gaze fastened at the floor with an expression of pure embarrassment crossing his delicate features.

“No…you haven’t…sorry I just assumed…never mind. I just don’t have a hotel yet and thought maybe you could recommend one?”

Tom’s thick brows traveled up to his hairline the way they did when he was unpleased with an employee’s performance. While he was talking to Bill he was highly aware of the fact that his secretary and probably the whole office was listening in on their conversation. Paranoid that any feeling could be detected in his voice he tried to apply a neutral expression and behave like Bill was any other person.

“You don’t have a hotel yet? Where do you plan on sleeping then?”

During Toms questions Bill had shoved his hands into his pockets, gazing up to Tom from underneath his lowered eyelashes.

“It’s ok, don’t worry I’ll find one,” Bill whispered in a shallow voice fighting back the tears that threatened to flood his eyes and reveal his feelings.

“Sorry I have an important meeting and no time for this right now. Mrs White please get Bill into one of the spare meeting rooms. Maybe you can make some calls see if there is a hotel available even if it’s unlikely this time of year.”

With a sigh and without another look at his brother Tom walked back to his meeting assuming his speech as if he had never left.

Mrs. White eyed the young man in front of her that so clearly was her bosses’ brother. She wondered if the relationship between the brothers wasn’t good because Bill seemed moments away from breaking out in tears.

“Come on dear,” she grabbed the noticeably shaking boy by the arm and led him to a small light room shielded from the rest of the office.

“I make some calls and see to the hotel situation. In the mean time I have someone bring you coffee or tea and sandwiches.”

 

//Tell me you love me  
Come back and haunt me  
Oh and I rush to the start  
Running in circles, chasing our tails  
Coming back as we are// 

Bill nodded at the friendly lady, thankful that someone was at least polite to him.

When he sat at the big oak table in a comfortable chair he shook his head over his own stupidity. Five years ago his brother had left him without a word and all his efforts of contacting him had been met with icing silence. He had all the proof anyone could need that his brother didn’t love him or care for him in any way. Yet he had let himself get deluded by some casual messages exchanged with Tom.

With all his heart and soul Bill had wished to meet his brother again, to look him in the eyes and see at least a little of the former love they shared look back at him.

Now that he had seen his brother he barely recognized him with his new looks. But worse than that his big brother had looked at him like he was an annoying stranger that interrupted his important meeting not the twin brother he hadn’t seen for years.

All those years Bill had hoped that there would be an explanation to why Tom had abandoned him but now Bill was sure that his suspicion that Tom just didn’t love him had been right all along. Simple and heart crushing like that. 

Tears drippled down his nose and splashed on the polished table. It was like losing his brother all over again and the agonizing pain shook his body in deep sobs. He didn’t care anymore who might hear him or what they would think. For the first time the thought of jumping of a bridge seemed like the best solution.

All of a sudden he was pulled into an embrace.

//Nobody said it was easy  
Oh it's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be so hard  
I'm going back to the start//


	8. Chapter 8

//Sunlight comes creeping in  
Illuminates our skin  
We watch the day go by  
Stories of all we did  
They made me think of you  
They made me think of you//

Tom had resumed his meeting and continued his speech on sell statistics and goals for the upcoming time period. Under all those years he had perfected his way of pushing feelings aside and instead focus on work. 

When he panicked like the moment he saw Bill in his office he shut the world out, using work as a coping mechanism. He felt safe and comfortable concentrating on work because at work he was always in control, nobody demanded from him to share his feelings and his mind was taken off things he found difficult and painful.

But this time, as hard as he tried to only focus on the meeting and the staff in front of him, his eyes wandered through the glass wall gazing at the closed door of one of the spare meeting rooms knowing that Bill was behind it.

Tom knew that he had handled the situation completely wrong. He had plenty of shortcomings but at least he was aware of them. The knowledge that he had hurt his little brother the first time they met after all those years gave him an intense nausea.

Tom initiated a team exercise were everyone in the room was asked to give positive feedback to the person sitting next to them on the right side. As the employees talked amongst each other Toms gaze followed the trainee Eric who showed up with sandwiches and coffee. In his signature bouncy steps he walked over to the conference room with the closed door, paused to knock and open it to deliver the snacks to Bill. 

When the door opened Tom could see Bill through the crack. Bill was lying with his head on the table, shaking in what appeared to be desperate sobs.

The company’s trainee seemed puzzled by the sight and looked helplessly around. It seemed like he tried to contact Bill but didn’t get any answer. After a couple of seconds he placed the tray with food on the table and backed out of the room glancing worriedly in any direction as if it was his fault that Toms guest was crying in the conference room.

All of a sudden Tom realized that he had come to a crossroad that most certainly would define his future life. Either he could go on with his meeting, keeping his feelings of guilt and shame like an ice wall between him and Bill or he could go to his brother and try to repair the damaged he had caused with his irrational behavior.

Tom clasped his hands together in a helpless gesture. The room had fallen quiet and several pairs of eyes were fixated on him expectantly. Now it was his turn in the team exercise to give feedback to every one of them. As he looked across the room in the open and friendly faces of his employees he couldn’t come up with a single thing. He had a black out and couldn’t even remember their names.

Tom swallowed hard and realized that running a successful record company was a dream of his but he would trade it any day for the chance of being with his brother. He gasped for air as he became cognizant of the fact that the only thing that ever could bring him joy and make him happy was having his brother back in his life. Without Bill everything else was meaningless.

Tom mumbled a hasty excuse to his staff and postponed the meeting. He didn’t wait until everyone had left but almost ran out of the door towards the closed meeting room where Bill currently was in.

He opened the door cautiously in an attempt to not startle his already upset brother. As he peered inside he could see the slim figure of his brother partially on the table. Small husky whimpers left Bills throat: sounds that resembled tones that might as well come from a wounded animal. Bills shoulders shook in a spasmic manner and he clenched a wet handkerchief in his slender fingers.

Tom approached his brother warily, slowly putting a hand on the trembling shoulders. Tom said Bills name a couple of times but it seemed to be impossible to reach through the invisible wall of pain and hysteria Bill had built around him. 

Tom had no idea what to do to calm his brother down and get through to him. For the first time in years he closed his eyes, only relying on their twin bond with the desperate hope of taking away the pain his brother must feel because of him. In one move he lifted his brother’s thin torso from the polished surface of the table and pressed him against his own upper body. Strong arms encircled Bills quavering body.

To support his brothers weight Tom slid down at the wall to sit on the carpeted floor. Bill still anchored in his brothers arms slid down from his chair, coming to rest with his head against Tom’s muscular chest. 

Tom put one arm firmly around his brothers’ narrow hips to hold him close. Toms other hand was tangled up in Bills nowadays blond hair, soothingly caressing his head.

The seconds ticked away until Bills rigid and convulsing body seemed to give into the strong embrace. Chapped lips were pressed against tear moist cheeks. Tom unconsciously mumbled soothing words, none of them coherent but Bill still responded to them by calming down further and he opened his brown eyes.

//Under a trillion stars  
We danced on top of cars  
Took pictures of the stage  
So far from where we are  
They made me think of you  
They made me think of you//

Bill had been so tangled up in his own pain and dark thoughts that he had cried himself into hysteria. The darkness had formed like a wall around him numbing his physical awareness. But all of a sudden he could feel his painfully beating heart slow down and his body relaxed slowly. It took a couple of seconds until he realized a pair of strong arms around him with one hand gripping firmly at his hip.

Bill felt the feathery touch of a hand on his head, rubbing soothing circles. Slightly dry lips were pressed against his heated cheeks and words he couldn’t understand were murmured. The masculine fragrance of an expensive aftershave hit his nostrils, with the underlying smell of coffee and the one scent he would recognize everywhere: the very own earthy smell of his brother’s skin. 

He leaned into the embrace too weak to resist the feeling of coming home he felt in his brothers arms.

Bill opened his eyes and looked directly into a pair that mirrored his own perfectly. In the depth of these brown eyes he could see all kinds of emotions swirling around each other. The emptiness he had seen earlier today in them was gone completely.

All the energy had ran out of Bills weak body and he closed his eyes once again. Bill pressed his face into the crack of his brother’s neck inhaling deeply. Some logical part of him tried to remind him that they were still on the floor in his brother’s office but the part of him drunk with emotions and sensations led him into pressing himself against his brother’s chest.

Bill could feel his brother’s breath wandering from his cheeks to his ear followed by a serious of small childlike and innocent kisses. Strong hands caressed his back and soft fingertips touched the sensitive skin on his neck right where the Tokio Hotel tattoo was.

Suddenly a knocking sound startled them and their eyes wandered simultaneously to the door.

“Is everything alright in there?”

A concerned voice muffled by the closed oak door reached them. Bill could tell that it probably belonged to the nice lady who was Tom’s secretary.

“Everything is ok, Mrs. White. We’ll need this room for a while please make sure we won’t be disturbed.”

Bill eyed his brother interested. To him it looked like Tom tried to sound like nothing happened but Bill could tell that he was struggling. 

Minutes passed while the brothers sat breathing heavily on the floor, their hands and limbs entwined. Bills thought about how different Tom felt, he had changed from the gangly boy into a muscular man and for the first time Bill felt tiny in his arms even though he exceeded his brother in height.

Time stretched and bend, minutes became hours which became seconds. In opposite to common believe time is not like a constant flow the same for everyone but time is highly personal and almost no one experiences the flow of time the same way. 

At that exact moment with his hands clasped together with his brothers in a desperate grip it felt like thousand years had passed, several lifetimes in which they broke each other’s hearts over and over again. At the same time it felt like only minutes had passed since they last touched each other, their bodies humming in recognition: their heartbeats aligned the way they were supposed to be.

The silence between them was heavy with meaning. So many things needed to be said, explanations needed to be given and apologizes needed to be heard. But for now the brothers let their bodies and minds reconnect on a basic level, deciding to tackle the heavy subjects later. With every touch their bond reconnected with tiny fragile silky threads. They could both feel the other in a way they hadn’t done for years.

//Oh lights go down  
In this moment we’re lost and found  
I just wanna be by your side  
If these wings could fly//


	9. Chapter 9

//Let me hold you  
For the last time  
It’s the last chance to feel again  
But you broke me  
Now I can’t feel anything//

After some time the brothers had made it out of the conference room. Tom ushered Bill out of his office hastily hoping that no one saw his brother’s red cried and poufy eyes. They both looked a little deranged with Tom’s hair falling down to frame his face. Somewhere along the way his knot had dissolved. Bills fluffy blond hair stood right up like he had just woken up probably because Tom kept carding his hands through Bills hair.

They managed to go to the front desk where Bill had left his luggage without anyone bothering them. Mrs. White was frenetically typing on her laptop and looked up when the twins approached her. A warm smile curved her lips upwards when she saw how close Bill was standing to Tom, their bodies almost touching.

The confused trainee had told her what he had seen in the conference room. He felt guilty for leaving without doing something but crying guests weren’t something that occurred very often so naturally he felt a little lost. He had told Mrs. White about it because she was the whole offices mother figure and spider in the net. She was about to hurry to Bill when she saw Tom running to his brother and she decided to give them some time.

“I will be out for the day. I am setting my phone on do not disturb mode. You have   
my home number but unless it’s burning I hope you’ll refer from using it.”

Tom picked up Bills luggage and threw two bags on his shoulders and took the smallest one in his hands. He cringed a little under the weight that must be the contents of half of Bills wardrobe. Tom decided if he found out that there was one bag only filled with shoes he would punch his little brother.

Tom saw Bill extend his hand to help him with the luggage but he just shook his head in disapproval. He had never let his brother carry the heavy bags and he wouldn’t start with that now; especially because Bill seemed thinner than ever.

“No problem, Tom. Will you be home tomorrow as well?”

The secretary smiled encouraging to Bill, while she was scribbling notes on a pink post it.

Tom hesitated a second before answering. He had a lot to do so a day off would set him back considerably. On the other hand he felt the need to spend as much time with Bill as possible. He settled for the golden middle and told Mrs. White he would take the morning off and come in after lunch. 

The boys took the elevator down and Tom caught Bill looking around astonished. Sometimes Tom forgot how posh everything was, including the elevator with golden details and a plush red carpet. After some time he had just stopped seeing it and watching his brother’s big eyes he chuckled a little to himself.

“So…this whole building is yours?”

Bill touched the wooden ornaments on the door with soft fingertips. Tom smiled as Bill caught his image in the mirror and started to fix with his hair.

“Yes it is.”

Tom nodded and took Bills hand who was about to flatten out the fluffy blond glory that was his hair. He closed his fingers around his brother’s slender ones and squeezed.

“Don’t. It looks cute all fluffy.”

Bill smiled at Tom a flush creeping up his face. Tom wondered how someone as beautiful as his brother, living in the world of fashion, still could be flustered by a compliment. It was absolutely adorable and Tom allowed himself to relax a little.  
When the elevator reached ground floor Tom was still holding Bills hand in his and he reluctantly let go of it to cross the main lobby. 

Three pairs of curious eyes met them and Tom contemplated that word traveled fast in his company when already the reception staff knew something unusual was going on. Tom flinched as he imagined the gossip that would make his company boil in the matter of hours. Tom smiled neutrally at his employees and went with big and firm steps to his car.

The toned windows on Toms black jeep shielded the brothers from any more curious staring. Tom had always been an aggressive driver and at this time of day the traffic in the city was at its worst with hundreds of cabs try to outrace each other and bicycle couriers sick sacking between the cars stuck in traffic jam. Today however Tom tried to keep his nerves calm and drive in a slow manner towards his loft. Having Bill in the car made him all of a sudden aware of his reckless driving behavior.

As he peered over to his brother Tom saw that he had closed his eyes, long black eyelashes resting on the soft skin underneath. Bill must be tired to his bones from the long flight, the jetlag and everything that happened in the office. The guilt made Toms stomach reel. 

As he passed by a slowing down cab Tom wondered if he had done the right thing or the wrong one. He couldn’t even tell the difference anymore. The only thing he knew was that he would do everything to make his brother happy and unfortunately Tom was pretty sure that in order to do that they needed to talk about everything that happened.

Their decision to postpone that conversation until after Georg’s wedding had been made in good faith however it became apparent that it wasn’t possible to wait anymore. But at least for the ride home he could offer his brother some minutes of undisturbed sleep.

Bill stirred in his light sleep, moving his head from one side to the other. Without taking his eyes of the road Tom put his hand on Bills thigh and squeezed in a reassuring manner.

//When I love you  
It’s so untrue  
I can’t even convince myself  
When I am speaking it’s the voice of someone else//

In the matter of minutes exhaustion had crept up on Bill and dragged him into sleep. When he woke up because Tom tapped his shoulders he felt slightly disoriented. He numbly stumbled after Tom who led the way into another expensive looking building. The world was slightly blurry on the edges and with a yawn Bill realized that he hadn’t slept for 30 hours straight.

Tom opened a door with a key card and gestured Bill to follow him. He stepped into the cool and fresh air in Tom’s apartment when Bills vision became even blurrier and his knees weak. Black dots danced before his eyes and he breathed heavily. The logic part of his brain reminded him that he hadn’t eaten for the same amount of hours either.

Bill felt strong arms around his shoulders and as his vision cleared he saw concerned brown eyes looking down at him. A callused hand cupped his cheek and Bill closed his eyes again to relish the feeling.

“Are you ok Bill?”

Tom whispered in a hoarse voice, his lips mere inches away from Bills face. Bill became aware of the way their bodies touched and Tom’s breath mingled with his own. Heat rose to his cheeks and Bill nodded in response.

“I am ok. I just haven’t slept or eaten for 30 hours or so. I must have low blood pressure I guess.”

He could feel Toms eyes study him properly before he released his grip and stepped back.

“We can order some food if you want to instead of going out tonight. And you haven’t found a hotel yet either, that we must take care of as well.”

Tom made his way further into the spacious apartment dropping Bills bags in one corner.

Bill narrowed his eyes and froze at the spot. He couldn’t believe it that Tom wouldn’t even offer him to stay at his place out of politeness. The hot and cold treatment Tom was giving him had him on edge, his anger rising again like a tidal wave.

Tom seemed to notice that Bill wasn’t following him into the living room and neither replying to his random chatter about pizza and Italian restaurants. Bill stared at the figure of his brother who slowly turned and looked at him puzzled.

“Let me get this straight,” Bill said with so much coldness in his voice as he could muster.

“You are living in a loft, with at least from what I can see five rooms and you can’t offer me to stay at your place?”

Now it was Toms turn to open and close his mouth helplessly. As the silence grew longer and icier Bill send a murderous look to his brother who looked like he was going to hyperventilate.

“You know what if my company is bothering you so much, I’ll go. I’ll go right now and you don’t have to spend any time with me. Ever.”

Bill snapped and turned around in a hurry, which wasn’t a very good idea he realized when he tried to take firm steps on wobbly legs that just wouldn’t do what he wanted them to. It took mere seconds until he felt a strong hand gripping his wrist firmly. Bill adjusted his death glare not willing to give in to any more stupid behavior of his brother.

A pale face and anxious eyes met his as Tom moved to block his way out.

“Don’t go. Please don’t go.”

“You are hurting me!”

Bill freed himself from his brother’s strong grip knowing that his statement could refer to his hand as well as to the general situation.

“I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you,” Tom whispered, sad eyes fixated on Bills   
wrist that had a red mark where Tom’s fingers had been just a while ago.

Cautious fingertips traced the red and swollen area. Bill sighed as Tom bend down to press his lips against his wrist. A part of him wanted to go, already fed up with his brother’s behavior since he arrived in New York. But a bigger part of him, the one that wouldn’t listen to logic wanted to hug Tom and ask him to make everything better.

It was a behavior conditioned in years and years of brotherhood. Deep down inside Bill was still that little boy that had fallen from his bike and scraped his knees. In the eyes of this boy his big brother was a superhero, always there to protect him and make his pain go away. Because this part of him was so deeply lodged in his soul Bill couldn’t turn away and leave.

“Why are you doing this Tom? Why are you pushing me away as soon as I come close?”

Silent tears ran down Bills cheeks and drippled on their hands still entwined. Bill saw Tom swallow several times followed by a deep breath.

“Because I am afraid. Afraid that I’ll hurt you.”

Broad thumbs tried to dry the tears on his cheeks and under his eyes. Bill was highly confused because nothing that Tom had said or done since he arrived made any sense to him. It was like being caught in a middle of a puzzling book with a story you can’t figure out because the first chapters are missing.

“But it doesn’t make sense. You are hurting me with his behavior. Why would pushing me away prevent me from getting hurt when it’s doing the exact opposite?”

So many emotions crossed Tom’s eyes that Bill wasn’t able to figure out a single one of them besides a deep sadness. Those eyes told the story of a man that was as wounded as he was. Someone whose soul was shattered in pieces exactly like his own. On a deeper emotional level Bill recognized the pain in his brother while his head still tried to come up with some explanation for everything that happened.

“Because I am not a good brother. Because I am a horrible person and staying close to me would hurt you way more than anything else I can do to you when we are apart.”

Tom’s voice broke and he pressed a fist to his mouth as if he tried to prevent himself from screaming. Shallow forced breaths erupted from his throat as he backed all the way to the wall separating his bedroom from the living room.

“Why can’t you see it? Why can’t you see it?”

Tom’s whole body convulsed in a deep sob while murmuring. Seeing his big brother that vulnerable touched Bill in a place in his soul that he thought he had lost. A place just reserved for the endless love he held for his brother. Bill approached his brother hastily, taking the tear wet face into his own cold hands.

“Because I love you. I love you for everything that you are; including the bad sides you seem to be ashamed off so much. And it’s not going to change no matter how hard you push me away or how horrible the things are you think you have done to make us suffer like this.”

Bill forced his brother to meet his eyes so that he could see for himself that no matter how much he hurt him Bill wouldn’t stop loving him. Not one second. And with anxiety Bill realized that it was true. He knew that Tom could hurt him over and over again and he would still come back to him. It was a frightening thought that another human being held so much power over him. 

All he could do was pray that Tom loved him back and that he finally explained himself before they both broke into pieces.  
Tom leaned forward to put a chaste kiss on Bills temple.

“And I love you. I always have and always will.”

//Oh it tears me up  
I try to hold on but it hurts too much  
I try to forgive but its not enough  
to make it all ok//


	10. Chapter 10

God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts  
Guess he kissed the girls and made them cry  
Those hard-faced queens of misadventure  
God knows what is hiding in those weak and sunken lifes  
Fiery throne of muted angels  
Giving love but getting nothing back oh//

The air was heavy with regret, confusion and love. Tom could still feel the touch of Bills soft and cold hands on his cheeks. The touch of his brother could still calm him down like nothing else ever could.

Tom felt that it was time to finally lay everything in the open, putting all his cards on the table. It’s never easy to show the ugliest side of yourself to the people you love. The only thing you can do is show all the broken pieces of your soul and hope that the other person will still continue to love you.

“Let’s talk,” Tom said, slowly slipping out of his shiny leather shoes.

His knees felt wobbly like he had been the one that had gone without food or sleep for a whole day. Tom approached the cream leather sofa, slowly letting himself slide down to a comfortable seated position. He watched as Bill looked around himself, unsure whether to follow him to the sofa or remain standing.

Tom petted the spot beside him, hoping Bill would take the invitation to sit next to him. The buttery fabric caved in a little when Bill curled up on the spot beside Tom. Bill hugged his legs and placed his chin on his knees. Sitting like that Bill looked like the younger version of himself, the one that still lived in Toms memories. It made it both easier and more difficult to talk at the same time.

Brown deep wells filled with sadness and curiosity looked at Tom. It was so easy for Tom to drown in those eyes and emotions. He could feel his brothers beating heart in his veins and his own blood rush in his ears. Finally the moment of truth had arrived and a small part of Tom was relieved. He was relieved that after today he wouldn’t need to carry around the shame of the secret anymore.   
Tom still loathed himself for doing the things he had done but keeping them a secret from the one person he loved the most had made it almost impossible for Tom to life with himself.

He would tell Bill everything that happened five years ago. The outcome would be the same: he would still have a life without his brother in it but at least he would offer his brother the opportunity to move on and forget about him if he wished to do so.

Tom had realized that keeping his brother from getting closure was the cruelest thing he could do. He had already destroyed so much so Tom hoped that knowing what happened would make it easier for his brother to move on without him. After Bill realized what a monster Tom was he wouldn’t feel the longing to be close to him ever again.

“Five years ago things weren’t going so well for us personally if you remember. We were fed up with the prisoned life we had to life, watching others having fun while we worked long hours with no possibility of a private life.”

Bill nodded at his brother’s trip back on memory lane.

“I was in a really bad place; I loathed my life and tried to forget about it by drinking and fucking every girl that looked decent.”

Tom could see his little brother flinch but he didn’t respond in any other way so Tom continued.

“Besides the fact that life was difficult for us because of our celebrity status it was especially difficult for me because I discovered something that I wanted more than anything else. At the same time I knew I wouldn’t be able to get it, no matter what happened. I tried to take my mind of things but I always ended up at the same point longing for the unreachable. “

Tom could tell that he had spiked his brother’s interest, because Bills eyes started to glisten and he studied Toms face with new intensity.

“I tried everything to forget what I wanted, needed and desired so much. But it didn’t work. Every day was a reminder of what I couldn’t have.”

“But what was it?”

Bill interrupted Toms monologue as it seemed unable to contain his curiosity. Tom put his hands up in a defensive pose. He needed to tell this story at his own pace.

“I’ll come to that. Don’t worry. Erm…where was I? Yes I got more miserable as the days went by without a change. I felt like being in a cage, tortured and captured with no chance of escaping ever. In addition to that I couldn’t tell anyone about it either.”

“You could have told me. I could have been there for you.”

Bill put his hand on Tom’s knee, watching him with big childlike eyes. Tom brushed with his fingertips over his brother’s knuckles absent mindedly thinking that Bill was just skin and bones nowadays.

“I know you would have, Bill. But I couldn’t. I was afraid you would hate me if you ever found out. That’s why I withdrew myself from you, spending so much time alone.”

Tom saw Bill bite down on his plush lips, nervously chewing on his lip ring. He was pretty sure that the memories of all the times Tom had pushed his little brother away in the weeks prior to the incident ran through Bills mind right now. But Bill just sighed and continued to squeeze Tom’s hand.

Tom closed his eyes for a moment to find the strength to continue his story, that was an explanation why he had behaved the way he did as well as an apology for not being able to be a better brother. All he wished for was forgiveness but he doubted that he would get it.

Pain clouded his beautiful features and his hands were pressed into tight fists once again. Before he could continue Tom felt warm and velvety lips brush lightly over his cheek. He smiled knowing that his brother was trying to reassure him and that warm gesture almost brought tears to his eyes. He most certainly didn’t deserve that.

“Do you want a glass of water?”

Bills voice drifted to him and he opened his eyes and nodded. He wasn’t thirsty but it would give him some minutes to gather his thoughts. Bill went up, naked feed stomping on the wooden floor. Tom heard several cupboards be opened and closed, followed by the sound of running water. He sighed and let his thoughts travel back to the incident that made him run away from Bill and his life.

//People help the people  
And if you're homesick, give me your hand and I'll hold it  
People help the people  
Nothing will drag you down  
Oh and if I had a brain  
Oh and if I had a brain  
I'd be cold as a stone and rich as the fool  
That turned all those good hearts away//

\----- Five years earlier------

Tokio Hotel had won yet another award. Tom sat in the VIP section together with his brother and the G’s and looked over the cheering crowd. The energy was high in the hall and loud high pitched voices yelled their names. He saw tears stream down pretty girls faces as they extended their hands to him in pure joy.

Tom didn’t feel anything. He looked around at the scenery reminding him that this was everything they worked for, everything they had dreamed off. And yet it was like living a nightmare. On his right side he saw his twin brother bathing in the attention of the crowd and the reporters. He looked absolutely radiant; with his signature big smile making his delicate features even more beautiful if that was possible.

Tom tried to focus his attention on the girls in front row and the G’s silently whispering amongst each other but his eyes were drawn back over and over again to his twin brothers glistening eyes. For the event Bill had chosen to wear an expensive see through Givenchy netshirt and jeans that were sitting low on his prominent hip bones, revealing a stretch creamy white skin whenever he moved. When the right light hit him Bills shirt revealed his star tattoo as well a pair of pink nipples.

Tom swallowed around the lump in his throat, mad at himself for his thoughts and unfocused behavior. He hadn’t seen a glimpse of the show when they were finally allowed to leave. As Bill chatted loudly with the G’s about Madonna’s outfit Tom stayed silent, tangled up in his own thoughts. The others didn’t seem to notice the brooding mood Tom was in or they had just gotten used to it during the last weeks.

They were supposed to attend a celebration party with their staff and the others seemed excited about it so Tom just followed them around, not participating in any conversations. If someone approached him he just smiled friendly and gestured to his ears indicating that he couldn’t hear anything because of the loud music screaming from the speakers.

The G’s had taken several beers to their table while Tom declined the offer and ordered a coke. At his brothers red cheeks and wildly gesturing hands he could see that Bill had become tipsy over the last couple of hours. As the G’s ordered Tequila shots Tom was about to interrupt but he hadn’t seen his brother so happy for a while and he wanted him to have a nice celebration. So he watched his brother engaging in a drinking game with the others that Tom didn’t understand the rules in but Bill seemed to lose very often.  
The moment Bill attempted to climb the table to dance to a Britney Spears song Tom decided it was time to go back to the hotel. Tom said goodbye to everyone and they went to the waiting car Tom almost supporting his brother’s whole weight on his shoulder while Bill was laughing hysterically.

Finally in the car it was impossible to convince Bill to fasten his seatbelt. Instead he curled up besides Tom, almost laying on him while he continued singing that song. Tom smiled down at his brothers adorable face, with mascara smeared under his eyes and sweat pearls glistening in the silky black hair. 

Tom brushed some loose strands out of Bills face and let Bill hold his hand when he reached for it. The ride to their hotel wasn’t long and Tom managed to get Bill through the lobby and to his hotel room without being seen. The last thing they needed was paparazzi pictures of a wasted Bill circulating in national and international media.

Tom opened Bills room with the key card from his pocket and they stepped into the luxurious room.

“I am so tired Tomi.”

Bill mumbled and threw his arms around Tom’s neck. Tom slammed the door shut with one kick.

“Can you carry me to the bed? I think I have trouble walking.”

A new series of giggles erupted from his brother’s throat and Tom didn’t see a chance how Bill would end up in bed if he didn’t carry him. As he put up his brother onto his arms he was once again astonished how light Bill was.

Bill pressed his face into the crack of Tom’s neck, carding with one hand through Toms hair making it very difficult to concentrate for Tom. He led Bills slim figure slide down onto the soft bed with the silky linen. But instead of letting go Bill clinged on Tom like a little monkey. With all the weight in the wrong direction Tom stumbled over and landed on his delicate brother. But Bill just laughed seemingly enjoying having Tom near.

“Can you help me with the clothes?”

Bill asked while dragging on the hem of his shirt unable to get it off. Tom swallowed hard and rubbed his temples. The best thing would be to leave but Bills pleading eyes nailed him to the spot. Sighing Tom bend down again to help Bill first with one then with the other arm out of his tight shirt.

The dim light reflected on Bills creamy white skin and Toms eyes once again wandered to his brothers pink nipples. He shook his head to get rid of any thoughts and made up his mind about leaving the room.

“The jeans? Please Tomi its so uncomfortable.”

Bills voice had reached a whining tone and Tom closed his eyes. It seemed like he was trapped in a nightmare. Slowly and with numb fingers Tom opened the button on Bills jeans and dragged down the zipper. It took all the self-restraint he had to touch as little body parts as he could. Tom dragged down the stone washed jeans, freeing Bill from his high heels to get the jeans off his body. As Tom stood up straight again he cast a look over his brother’s body mesmerized by his beauty.

“ A goodnight kiss?”

Bill demanded with pouting lips. Tom cupped Bills face with his hands, pressing his lips onto Bills in a light brotherly kiss. All of a sudden Tom could feel Bills legs around his waist and arms tugging him down. His protests were stopped by another kiss from Bill, moist parted lips meeting his. Toms mind started to swirl and his groin tightened. He knew he had to get out but he didn’t know if he had the strength.

The tip of Bills tongue was pressed against his lower lip causing him to moan and open his mouth. It was like fireworks being snogged by Bill and he couldn’t stop himself from letting his hands roam the perfect body underneath him. Bill buckled up into the touch, pressing an aching hard- on into Toms thigh. Toms mind was clouded by sensation, being offered the one thing he wanted more than anything on a silver platter. 

He readjusted his position so that his own groin collided with Bills.  
The moans that escaped his brother made him thrust harder, creating needed friction. He heard his brother cry out his name in bliss. As he looked down a wet spot turned Bills white boxers dark. It was all that was needed to send him over the edge as well.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“That’s why I left. Because I took advantage of you when you were to drunk to defend yourself. I practically raped you.”

Tom pressed his face with the flaming hot cheeks into his hands to hide from his brother’s gaze. During the last hour Tom had told Bill everything that happened in excruciating detail. After a while Bill had stopped commenting on his story but sat silent holding on to a glass of orange juice.

“That’s why I wanted a hotel for you. I don’t want you to stay with me, your own rapist, all alone. Bill I hate myself for doing this to you. I was the one that was supposed to protect you but instead I hurt you more than anyone else could have.”

“Why did you do it?”

Bills serious and neutral voice startled Tom and he looked up again. Not able to sense was his brother was thinking he decided to go with the truth. So many lies had been told during all those years he needed to be honest with his brother now.

“Because I was madly in love with you. I still am.”

//God knows what is hiding in this world of little consequence  
Behind the tears, inside the lies  
A thousand slowly dying sunsets  
God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts  
Guess the loneliness came knocking  
No one needs to be alone oh sing it//


	11. Chapter 11

//So lately, been wondering  
Who will be there to take my place  
When I'm gone you'll need love to light the shadows on your face  
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all  
Then between the sand and stone, could you make it on your own//

“Tom Kaulitz you are the biggest idiot in the history of human kind!”

Bill snorted and shook his head in disbelieve. He had listened to Toms entire story, had seen the guilt and the shame cross Toms face as he remembered that night all those years ago. Bill was slightly bewildered at how his brother interpreted the events that had led to all their suffering.

Years had passed since that night but Bill could remember the weeks prior to the incident and the night itself pretty clear.

Tom was right that it was a time in their life’s when all the members of the band had a rough time managing the pressure of delivering hit after hit, playing for millions of fans and with virtually no private life because they couldn’t even go out anymore. It had been years since Bill had been to a regular supermarket to buy something he wanted or to the movies without having to rent the whole cinema for one night.

As the time wore on Bill tried to cope by clinging onto his big brother, because he was the only one who could make him feel safe. The constant pressure brought out Bills worst sides, he was easily agitated, jealous of every other person his brother gave any attention and frankly a drama queen. The situation got out of hand because Bill could feel his brother pulling back from him, spending time with annoying groupies instead.

It was a time of confusion for Bill who constantly felt the longing to be emotionally and physically close to his brother but Tom pushed him away over and over again. 

Tom shied away from his touches and hugs and as the weeks passed Bill felt like the most disgusting human being wandering this planet. Every time Tom flinched when he laid a hand on his thigh made him feel unloved and unwelcome. Every time Tom chose to go home with a girl Bill cried himself to sleep unable to control the raging jealousy and the hurt he felt.

As logically wrong it had been Bill wanted Tom to love only him. He felt that his possessiveness drove Tom away but he couldn’t stop himself from pushing Tom for more attention. Now that Bill had listened to Tom’s explanation he could easily see how they had been caught up in a vicious circle.

“You seem to assume that I don’t remember that night. Yes I had been drunk but I didn’t drink nearly as much as you think. I was tipsy and happy, but I wasn’t totally wasted.”

Bill watched his brother eyes widen in horror and he became even paler than he had been during the whole explanation. Tom put his face back into his hands, as if not seeing Bill would make things easier for them.

“I don’t understand.”

Tom whispered in a hoarse voice. 

Bill felt sorry for Tom who had believed for five years that he had raped his innocent and drunk brother. For a moment Bill considered letting Tom believe that his version of events was the right one as a sort of revenge because the stupidity and thick headedness of his brother had cost them years of their lives. But in the end he couldn’t punish his brother because as it seemed he had punished himself enough throughout those years of silence.

“Ok my turn to tell you what happened from my point of view.”

Tom looked at him quizzing as if he couldn’t believe that there was another way of seeing the events of that night or the weeks before. He started to pull on his hair like he had done since he was a child. Bill reached out to grab Toms hand and guide it away from his head. Bill was afraid if Tom kept going he wouldn’t have any hair left when the evening was over.

A shocked expression crossed Toms face and he eyed Bill like Tom was the prey and he just waited for Bill to pounce on him and rip him into pieces.

Bill just squeezed Toms hand a little and his eyes wandered to the big windows. He loved Manhattan and the view in this loft was wonderful. The only thing he missed when staying in the city was being able to see the stars in the night sky. Looking up to the stars made Bill always feel grounded. He liked to imagine that there were a million worlds out there with endless possibilities. He used to think if the universe could create such an infinite beauty that there had to be a way to find his way back to Tom. Bill smiled a little thinking that they had come a long way sitting together in Toms loft being able to talk.

Because Tom didn’t reply other than puzzled glances Bill decided to explain to his brother how he had felt.

“Yes that time in our lives was difficult. I know that I behaved so badly so many times. I felt how you pushed me away and I was incredibly jealous. I couldn’t handle that you chose to give all your attention to those girls instead of me. I wanted you for myself.”

Bill sighed and looked down embarrassed at his growling stomach. Under all the emotional pressure he had forgotten how hungry he was. A flush colored his cheeks dark red.

“I am so sorry you must be starving!”

Without giving Bill the time to protest Tom was on his feet, hauling out the phone from his pocket and called an italian restaurant. Tom ordered a pizza exactly the way Bill loved it with extra cheese and pineapple. Bill smiled up at his big brother who once again took care of Bill the way he had done ever since they were children.

“Thank you, Tom. Yes I am hungry.”

To emphasize his words his stomach made its presence known again. Tom bent down and with his eyes fixated on Bill the entire time he laid a hand on Bills belly. Bill knew that it was Tom’s way of asking if it still was ok to touch him. Bill just nodded and curled his own hand around his brother’s big one, pressing it against his hurting stomach.

“Anyways I just wanted you to know that I felt how you pushed me away. I felt so unloved, ugly and disgusting. I noticed that you avoided all body contact with me and it virtually ripped my heart out. I longed so hard to be close to you. “

Bill eyes dropped to the floor remembering all the hurt and pain they had caused each other just because they refused to talk. The one time when they needed that talk the most they weren’t able to reach out to each other.

“I felt like nothing mattered anymore because I began to think you didn’t love me. It was so much to handle. I didn’t even think about that my feelings were wrong: that I wasn’t supposed to long for your embrace or desire your kisses. But it didn’t occur to me, not even once. “

Bill heard his brother take a deep breath probably realizing what Bill was telling him.

“That night of the award I was desperate. I planned to get your attention any way possible. That’s why I dressed up the way I did. When I couldn’t get you out of your brooding mood I started drinking to get my courage up because I planned on confronting you about your behavior.”

Bill could see the glistening of unshed tears in his brother’s eyes. Remembering the feelings from back then made them rush through his body again. He felt the strong need to be close to Tom so he scooted closer, leaning forward to hug Tom with both arms. By the time he felt Tom’s strong arms holding him he was crying again, his face mushed into Tom’s shirt. Bill heard Tom making sounds of comfort, softly caressing his back. 

Fingers curled around his chin lifting his head up to meet Tom’s intense gaze. Bills stomach swirled as Tom leaned closer, breathing on Bills lips until he finally pressed his own onto Bills plusher ones. Bill could feel the fire that was burning under the shallow kiss but Tom retracted himself before he could return it. Maybe he remembered last time Bill returned his kisses.

“I wish we had just talked,” Tom murmured with a sigh.

Bill nodded and readjusted himself in Toms lap to continue on his story.

“Those tequila shots weren’t a good idea I suppose. However I tipped them out on an ugly plant nearby when nobody was watching. I probably had two or three of those. The dancing on the table thing was just another way to get you to look at me.”

In retrospective Bill felt stupid for behaving like his brother was someone he could manipulate into doing what he wanted. But he had been desperate. Toms hand was still on his tummy, slowly rubbing in a circular motion that made Bill forget all about his stomach pain.

“In the hotel room I pretended to be totally wasted because I wanted you to carry me. I have been so stupid and I am so sorry for everything.”

“Sh it’s ok. We both have been as it seems.”

Tom almost whispered the words into Bills ear, small puffs of breath hitting Bills earlobe.

“By the time you gave me that good night kiss I was in a now or never mood and just did what I wanted the most. It was a gamble and I know it could have gone horribly wrong, which in a way it has.”

Bill could see Tom nod in agreement out of the corner of his eyes. In one way Bill got exactly what he wanted that night but he had also lost his brother because of a series of misunderstandings and misplaced shame and guilt. 

Now that he had told Tom about his feelings and how he had manipulated them into the situation that led to their fall out there was one essential question Bill needed to ask. And it was one he didn’t want to know the answer to because he was afraid he wouldn’t like it very much. Bill decided to ask anyway.

“Are you ashamed of those feelings that you have for me that are not exactly…erm…brotherly?”

Bill had turned his head to face Tom and look into his eyes. All he could see was confusion and pain.

“For five years I thought I raped you, Bill. You have no idea how much I loathed myself for having those feelings and for acting on them when you were vulnerable.”

It wasn’t a direct answer to Bills question but in a way it was. Bill could feel the sharp sting of tears in his eyes and his stomach dropped. Bill couldn’t even imagine what it must have been like to be in Toms shoes thinking he had raped his own brother and guilt made him squirm at the realization that if he hadn’t manipulated the situation none of this would have ever happened. The mess they were in was as much his own fault as it was Toms

The silence following Bills question was interrupted by a chiming sound that seemed to be the doorbell. Tom got up in a hurry, untangling himself from his brother and approaching the door on silent feet. He opened the door and Bill could see through the crack someone in a uniform that must be some form of portiere. It made sense that not every pizza delivery boy was allowed to enter such a luxurious building. 

Bill heard Tom thanking the man quietly and closing the door with a thud.

A delicious smell erupted from the giant pizza Tom was holding in his hands. For a moment Bill forgot all about their conversation and actually considered ripping the pizza out of Tom’s hands but remembered his manners in the last minute. Bill could barely contain himself to wait until Tom fetched plates and napkins because he was ravenous.

As soon as the first slice of pizza covered in melting cheese and hot tomato sauce was on his plate Bill blended the world out and just stuffed his face. He heard his brother chuckle and looked up at a beaming Tom.

“Good?” He asked with an eyebrow traveling up to his hairline.

Bill knew that he must look ridiculous, eating like he hadn’t seen food for weeks, having pineapple juice drippling down on his chin. 

“It’s good that you eat, you are way too thin.”

Bill frowned looking at his brother.

“How do you mean?”

Bill didn’t think he had changed much, he had always looked the way he did now at least body wise.

“Well Bill you are just skin and bones nowadays.”

Tom continued eating, fetching himself a second slice of pizza.

Bill looked concerned down at his body. He could see his hip bones stick out like they always had and his thin legs curled up underneath him. Bill wondered if he looked ugly to Tom now and his heart clenched at the thought. Tom had said he had been in love with him back then and still is but Bill realized that Tom probably was in love with the memory of him not his actual person five years later.

The painful truth was that Tom didn’t know Bill, because in five years so much had happened. Things had changed his appearance as well as personality. As it seemed Tom didn’t like the way he looked nowadays.

“You mean ugly?”

Bill stopped eating, putting the plate onto the glass coffee table. His hunger had disappeared like it never had been in the first place. Tangled up in his thoughts Bill didn’t realize that Tom had resumed his seat besides Bill until fingertips touched his chin.

“Hey you….,” Tom said with glistening eyes.

As if he had sensed the change in Bills mood Tom traced his lower lip with his index finger. Once again it was like he heard Bills thoughts.

“You are beautiful, baby!” Tom exclaimed with a cracked voice that sounded so needy that a warm feeling spread throughout Bills entire body.

The hair on his arms rose and a shiver ran down Bills spine as he watched Toms tongue dart out to wet his lips. Bill wanted to kiss those lips and taste that tongue so badly it made his whole body tingle. 

Brown eyes searched his own for answers to endless questions before Tom leaned down, softly pressing his lips onto Bills. Bill could feel Toms tongue on his lower lip and with a gasp for air he parted his moist lips. 

Tom’s warm tongue sensually explored Bills mouth sending jolts of adrenaline through Bills body. The moment their tongues met Bill couldn’t help but press himself up against Tom. Warm hands caressed his thighs and the feeling made Bill lean into the touch and opening his legs.

After minutes of breathless kissing Tom drew himself back a little with an apologetically look on his face. Gleaming eyes and red cheeks made Bill look feverish. Clad in tight skinny jeans Bill was unable to hide his bodies reaction to Toms mouth and hands.

“Maybe we should...erm...eat some more pizza,” Tom stated looking down at his hands.

//If I could, then I would,  
I'll go wherever you will go  
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go  
And maybe, I'll find out  
A way to make it back someday  
To watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days  
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all  
Then I hope there's someone out there who can bring me back to you//


	12. Chapter 12

/Guess we knew this was coming on  
Cause you're already gone in my head  
You can tell me that I'm wrong  
That you're staying with me instead//

The brothers had finished eating under silence, once in a while exchanging embarrassed glances just to avert their eyes if they noticed the other was watching. Tom showed Bill to one of his guestrooms that his housekeeper always kept in immaculate order even though Tom rarely had overnight visitors. A couple of times a year his mother visited, and if he was lucky the G’s could make it for a visit now and then.

Tom was standing leaned against the doorframe and watched his little brother unpack. The large bed with crispy white linens and ice blue bedcover was covered in clothes and accessories. Bill darted between the bed and one of the spacious wardrobes, humming under his breath while he stuffed away his clothes. Tom’s eyes fell onto one bag stuffed with shoes and he chuckled lightly. Apparently some things would never change. Tom felt it oddly comforting that there were still things about his brother that he knew and that were familiar.

Tom smiled at his brother’s way of wrinkling his nose in concentration upon deciding where to put all his stuff. Tom chastised himself a little for letting things get out of control earlier on. It didn’t even take two hours before he tried to get inside Bills pants and he felt bad for it. Tom’s heart clenched feeling guilty and ashamed all over again.

He took a couple of deep breaths to calm his nerves. Tom reminded himself that Bill shared the feelings he had and that he hadn’t taken advantage of his brother, not back then and certainly not today. Bills reaction to their kissing made it pretty clear what he thought about it, if Tom could trust the signs Bills body showed at least. 

To Tom the whole situation was still new and confusing. Up until this evening Tom had believed he was a monster, someone who had raped his own brother. Knowing that the attraction and desire for one another was mutual didn’t make things easier.

Years of his life Tom had hated himself for having those feelings towards his brother and he tried everything to get rid of them. As he watched his brother crouch down to sort his shoes out Tom wondered if they should fight these feelings rather than giving in to them. He looked at the facts from different angles and the result was the same: having these feeling towards your own brother was wrong. The only thing that broke Tom’s harsh judgement was the feeling that it felt so totally right to kiss Bill. That and the fact that they both had been miserable for years and that they were just now on their way to recover from the mess they had created.

“I am all set,” Bills smile lit up his delicate feature and made his eyes glisten.

For a brief moment Tom was caught off guard by Bills beauty and his heart started beating faster in a sudden adrenaline rush. He wondered if his brother would always have that effect on him.

“Good. I hope you like the room and find the bed comfy. I’ll fetch you some towels in case you want to take a shower.”

Tom was on his way out of the room and turned to face Bill who answered with a wide grin.

“Well if I don’t, I could always join you in your bed, right?”

Speechless and gob smacked Tom looked at Bill his eyes wide and his face flushing. Sweat gathered on his forehead as well as on his hands as he tried to fight off the images of a naked Bill writhing on his bed. While Tom desperately tried to find his composure he could see that Bill found the whole thing hilarious, with a hand pressed to his mouth giggling.

“Tom, you look horrified,” Bill laughed out loud, looking at his confused brother with twinkling eyes.

For Tom the whole situation was embarrassing. Not only did he feel uncertain about how they should handle their relationship but also that he led on how Bill affected him. Deep down inside Tom was still that dreadlocked boy who made jokes on others cost. In a way he didn’t like to give his brother the satisfaction of seeing him like that so Tom decided on a little payback to see if Bill really was as cool as he tried to portray.

Tom turned fully around, closing the distance between him and Bill in mere seconds. He dragged Bill closer to him with a firm grip on Bills narrow hips. Tom heard Bill gasp for air the moment he softly licked his brothers round and perfect earlobes. Bills shallow breathing hitched the moment Tom bit down on the juncture between his neck and shoulder. With a wide smile Tom bend his head back to look into his brother’s eyes, every part of his skin tingling where their bodies touched.

“Maybe you should join me in my bed,” Tom said in a husky and lust filled voice.

What had begun as a little payback for the fact that his brother tried to embarrass him ended up in raging fire rolling through Tom’s veins. Tom could feel Bills body tremble and he wanted nothing more than carrying him to bed to taste and feel everything that was Bill.

“Tomi,” Bill whispered breathless, pressing his slender body up against Toms muscular one causing jolts of pure lust pulsate trough Toms body. After a questioning glance Tom lift up the hem of Bills loose shirt, touching the outlines of the star tattoo. Trembling fingers discovered a sweet belly button and prominent hipbones. Bills skin looked like cream and was as soft as silk. A trail of hairs led from Bills belly down to his groin and Tom touched it cautiously. A soft moan coming from Bill snapped Tom out of his haze and he stopped and put down Bills shirt again.  
Toms groin pulsated and his vision was blurry as he stepped away from Bill.

“I am so sorry,” he whispered. “It seems like I just can’t keep my hands to myself. I don’t want to hurt you”.

Tom could hear Bill sigh and see his brother following him.

“You don’t hurt me by kissing me or touching me. I love you; I want to be with you.”

Bills gaze locked with Toms and he held onto Toms trembling hands.

“I am afraid that we are doing the wrong thing. I think that we first need to try to be real brothers again and build a relationship with each other. I can’t stand to lose you again and I am afraid if we do this I will.”

Tom took his brothers hand and kissed Bills fingertips softly.

“I love you and I desire you, but I want you to trust me again. Then later when all of this is behind us and we have learned how to be twins again and trust each other we can talk about these other feelings. Do you understand what I mean?”

Tom eyed his brother anxiously who once again wrinkled his nose in concentration. After long seconds of silence Bill nodded, smiling sadly with a touch of relief.

“You are right, Tom. We have so much to talk about and so much to rebuild, it’s better to not complicate things any further.”

Tom smiled down at his little brother who had become such a serious man. He cupped the still flushed cheek with his hands, tracing the outlines of his brother’s face with his fingers.

“But Tom,” Bill wet his lips and smiled, “I really wanted to be with you tonight.”

Tom gathered Bill once again in his arms, holding him tight. With one hand he carded through his brothers’ silky hair.

“Me to Bill, you have no idea!”

//When winter has come along and summer's dead and gone  
Is there anything left here to say?  
I can put my arms around the emptiness I found  
Find a way to make you stay//

After Tom had retired to his own room after kissing Bill goodnight on the cheek Bill had opened the big windows to let the warm breeze in that was sweeping through the city. Bill nestled himself into a comfortable position, relishing the feeling of the crisp bedcovers caressing his skin and the smell of warm cotton that hit his nostrils. Through the opened windows Bill could hear the sounds of New York, the city that never sleeps.

Muffled sounds of car tires scratching, people talking and laughing as well as Tom moving around the apartment dulled Bills senses and he finally succumbed to much needed sleep.

Hour later sunlight filtered through the partially closed curtains and woke Bill up. He looked around himself in confusion before realizing that he was at his brothers’ place, a smile crossing his sleepy face. 

Bill was about to drift back off to sleep when he heard frizzling sound followed by the smell of pancakes. He could hear a roaring that puzzled him until he realized after a couple of seconds that it must be one of these expensive espresso machines preparing coffee. His suspicion was confirmed as the earthy bitter sweet smell of coffee drifted into his room.

Now that his senses had awakened he couldn’t remain in bed. Naked feet stood on the wooden floor and for a brief moment Bill wondered why Tom hadn’t any rugs in his loft, probably because they weren’t modern but they were for sure warm and comfy. Bill opened the door in dark wood that led to the living room. A smile graced his features as he watched his brother making pancakes, wearing some grey sweatpants and a white shirt. Suddenly aware of the fact the hadn’t even dressed yet Bill was about to go back to his room as Toms eyes fell onto him.

Bill could feel the heat rise from his neck to his cheeks, probably leaving him with a dark red flush. Clad in nothing but tight black boxers Bill could feel his brothers eyes traveling up and down his body leaving a trail of fireworks everywhere they stopped to study him. Bill gasped and reminded himself of his manners.

“Good morning!” 

Bill smiled and took some leery steps towards his brother who was about to flip one pancake. Tom’s eyes averted just a second from his task to flash a big smile in direction of his little brother.

“You look like you need coffee.”

Tom stated the obvious pointing at Bills ruffled hair and sleepy expression. Bill nodded and closed his hands thankfully around the big cup of steaming coffee which Tom extended to him. Bill took a sip and closed his eyes in pleasure as sweetness and bitterness at the same time hit his taste buds. Bill wondered how his brother could be already up and making impressive breakfast when he barely could hold his eyes open, let alone get his limps to move more than absolutely necessary. But Tom looked perfectly awake and happy, preparing pancakes and slicing strawberry’s like it wasn’t eight o’clock in the morning.

Bill studied his brother and detected that he already had showered, the strands of his brown hair still looking slightly damp at the roots. Tom had already put his hair in his signature knot but for the first time Bill noticed how silky Tom’s hair looked and how well the dark shade of brown suited his eyes. 

The tight white shirt Tom was wearing revealed a muscular toned chest and sun kissed skin. The beard that Tom had now gave him a slight bad boy look and Bill just had to admit to himself that his brother looked stunning.

Suddenly Bill felt self-conscious of his white skin and flat chest. When his eyes returned to Tom from studying his own body his eyes were met by an intense gaze. Even though the kitchen counter was between them Bill could feel the heat rise from Toms body. He swallowed hard, his throat suddenly dry and his eyes fixated at his brothers moist lips. 

Bill tried to act casual having their last conversation in mind but the pure energy between them set his body on fire. He put his coffee back on the counter with shaking hands. Bill cleared his throat and was about to come up with a remark on the coffee when he felt suddenly his brother stood beside him, encircling him into strong arms, moist lips pressed against his own.

Bills last thoughts were swept away by his brother’s tongue darting out, caressing the inside of Bills mouth while he sucked in Bills lower lip with his own. Bills head swirled and all restraint was washed out of his body with the intense arousal that flared through his veins. Tom’s lips released Bills and made their way kissing and nibbling to Bills neck. Tom found the part of Bills neck were his pulse displayed his fast beating heart and sucked feverishly. A low moan escaped Bills throat and he bend his head down to offer more of himself to Tom.

Slightly callused hands caressed his back, fingers traveling along the waistband of his boxers. Bill closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, surprised by the sudden warm moistness surrounding his nipples. Bill thrust his hips forward and was rewarded with a strong grip around his ass, pulling him closer and aligning his already throbbing cock with one just as hard. Needy for friction Bill pressed himself against his brother, his hands tucking Tom’s shirt out of the way at the same time. As soon as Tom’s chest was revealed Bill kissed and licked around the muscles, relishing the wonderful fresh and slightly earthy smell that erupted from Toms pores.

The moment Tom touched Bills aching cock through the thin fabric of his boxers a loud moan was torn from Bills throat. With a blurry vision and fire burning inside of him Bill thrust himself into the grip of Tom’s strong hands. Tom caressed Bill with firm strokes, pre-come already leaking into his boxers and dampening the fabric.

With one swift motions Bills boxers were dragged down to his ankles revealing a sweat glistening body and a hard and twitching cock covered in pre-come with a red and swollen head. Bill could hear his brother gasp for air and his breathing became fast and shallow. Seconds later soft fingertips gathered the fluid on the tip of Bills length before Tom’s fist moved up and down in a steady motion. The thought emerged in Bills mind that he wanted to pleasure his brother to but it was swept away by a myriad of sensations running through his body, making his knees weak and wobbly.

A deep kiss made Bills world sway and fill with pink clouds. He could hear nothing but the thundering blood in his veins and his throbbing heartbeat. Tom moaned low into his mouth igniting the deep craving inside of Bill to feel Tom’s firm flesh against his own. Bill tucked down Toms low sitting sweatpants and the loose boxers. Bills breath hitched when their bare flesh touched, pressing himself into Toms embrace with need.

“Please Tomi,” a flustered Bill begged, his cock rubbing against Toms rampant shaft, their combined pre-come slicking and easing the thrusts.

The raging fire of desire burned its way through Bills body centering at his groin. He felt small fireworks explode on his skin were Toms nibbling teeth and cooling tongue set his nerves on fire. Bills chin was lift up and he met his brother’s intense gaze, full of love and passion. Tom tilted Bills chin upwards to bestow a loving kiss on the red and swollen lips.

“You want this?” Tom murmured into Bills mouth, holding the shaking figure of the other one tightly pressed against his chest. 

Bill understood that Tom felt the need to ask if he was sure and give him the opportunity to back out if he had second thoughts. Bill tangled his fingers into Tom’s hair, pulling him roughly closer, devouring Tom’s mouth passionately. Bill curled his slender fingers around his brother length, watching Tom’s eyes flutter shut and whispering his name. Bill could feel how Tom’s body tensed up with every stroke, pre- come spurting from the head of his cock onto Bills fingers.

As Tom opened his eyes again Bill could see glowing passion and determination. Before he could move he felt his brothers’ strong hand once again closing around him, jerking up and down, and increasing the speed with every stroke.

“Harder,” Bill begged as the edges on his vision turned blurry and his knees threatened to cave underneath him. He could feel how his brother guided them to lean against the kitchen counter for support. Soft fingertips touched his swollen shaft slightly and Bill grunted in frustration over the light touch.

Bills fingers outlined Toms round belly button before gliding deeper, slender fingers gripping firmly around Toms straining cock. With hands slick with pre-come Bill pleasured his brother with fast strokes.

“Come for me baby,” Tom whispered in a hoarse voice, mirroring his brother’s movements with his own hands, adding a hard twitch at the sensitive head.

In mere seconds, driven over the edge by Tom’s sexy words and the rough attention he gave Bills cock Bill came, spurting come all over him and Tom’s hands. Tom cast his head back in pure bliss, wetting Bills hands with warm and sticky liquid.

The both men breathed heavily, leaning against each other for support. Their bodily fluids mixed on their burning skin as they embraced the other. With trembling hands Tom traced Bills kiss swollen lips.

“I love you!” 

//But I'm standing still, I'm standing still  
As you leave me now  
I'm standing still, I'm standing still  
As you're walking out  
I'm just standing still//


	13. Chapter 13

//Sometimes the snow comes down in June  
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon  
I see the passion in your eyes  
Sometimes it's all a big surprise//

After the boys had calmed down their heavy breathing and their shaking limbs they went to wash up in their separate bathrooms. Tom had to take another shower to wash away the evidence of their passion and impatience. A glowing feeling send out waves of happiness through Tom’s body, who hummed the melody he was creating for Georg while covering his body in soap. 

The warm water massaged his tense muscles from supporting Bills weight almost the whole time. Tom smiled to himself knowing that he had been the one causing his brothers legs to cave underneath him because of intense pleasure. It was highly satisfying that Tom was able to make his brother feel good after all those years of hurt and pain.

Logically Tom knew that they should have sticked to their plan, rebuilding their relationship slowly without complicating things further. But with his skin still tingling from Bills touches and happiness bubbling in his blood like soda it was hard to regret what they did this morning. He couldn’t help but smile like an idiot when he thought about Bill.

By the time Tom got out of the shower Bill was already sitting curled up on the sofa, scribbling frenetically into a notebook. He had changed into loose black sweatpants and a green shirt with a fading band logo on that had been washed to many times. Tom waited patiently until Bill looked up from his brown clad notebook with the white paper and acknowledged his presence with a smile.

“Writing in your dairy?”

Tom chuckled and tried to grab the book just to be slapped with it by Bill who defended his property from his curious brother.

“Duh, no”, Bill rolled his eyes almost to the back of his head; “I am not a ten year old girl y’know”.

Tom chuckled at Bills indignant expression and the way he shook his head from one side to the other making his fluffy hair bounce.

“I am working on the lyrics for Georg’s song. It still needs some work; it’s not entirely perfect yet.”

Bill eyed the page in front of him, which was covered in his handwriting from bottom to top, suspiciously. He frowned and sighed a little, but finally putting his pen down.

“It will be alright, Bill. Georg and his fiancé are going to love it. Don’t worry so much.”

Tom approached the couch and put a hand on Bills shoulder. He leaned down to press his lips against Bills temple for a small reassuring kiss. Tom knew what a perfectionist Bill was and that he would toss and turn every single word until he deemed the lyrics perfect. He was rewarded with a thankful smile from his little brother who rested his head against Tom’s stomach. Tom petted Bills hair tenderly, bursting with love for the beautiful and kind hearted man.

“I am just a bit nervous you know,” Bills voice sounded muffled against the fabric of Tom’s shirt.

“Don’t be,” Tom murmured. “We are in this together, I got you!”

All of a sudden the silence following Tom’s words was loaded with meaning. He had referred to Georg’s song but became aware of how well it suited their situation. He lifted up Bills chin to meet his brothers brown eyes.

“I got you. Always!”

Tom whispered again, his fingertips resting on Bills plush lips still swollen from his nibbling and kissing. Toms heart ached when he thought about how close he had been too loose Bill forever. He could see Bill nod and smile; a smile Tom kissed right off Bills pretty mouth. He could taste the minty freshness of toothpaste and a faint sweet taste that Tom thought was Bills own. Tom deepened the kiss, delving into Bills warm and velvety mouth. He knew that he had to go to work but his brothers invitingly parted soft lips made it impossible to resist. Bill bent his head away, uncurling Toms hands from the fabric of his shirt.

“You know that if you keep doing that, there is no way you getting out of this apartment today.”

Bills tone was jokingly and teasing but Tom could feel Bills fast pulse on his wrist and he knew that Bill had a point.

“Will you be ok here, on your own?” Tom gazed questioningly down on Bill. He felt reluctant to leave his brother.

Rationally he knew that he had nothing to worry about but their new found connection felt so fragile that his instincts roared that he needed to protect Bill from the world.

“Of course I will be. I have something important to do: shopping!”

Bill beamed like a little kid at Christmas and Tom couldn’t hide his amusement.

“Wait, I have something for you.”

Tom crossed the living room, opening the door that led to his home office. He had to dig through stacks of paper until he found the official looking envelope that he had stuffed into one of his desk drawers. He smiled a little at the fact that he had planned for the possibility that there would be a time he could give his brother something.

With the envelope in hand he approached Bill who had gotten up from the sofa and looked at him curiously.

Tom opened the envelope and took out several papers alongside with a golden American express card. He cleared his throat, unsure of how Bill would react to his gift. Tom shifted nervously from one foot to another hoping his brother wouldn’t hand him his ass for taking manners into his own hands once again.

“This is for you,” Tom extended the papers and credit card to Bill.

“And before you say anything please hear me out. Years ago when I started making money from my company I put a small amount of money on a separate banking account. As my company grew the amount of money I put in every months grew as well. I know we didn’t talk and I was convinced that I wouldn’t see you again but I just couldn’t earn this money without sharing it with you. I planned on giving it to mum eventually who promised to say that it was from a lottery she had entered in your name and pass it on to you.”

Tom sighed and rubbed his temples in an effort to calm his raging heartbeat.

“Then we started to talk I was hoping I could give it to you when you visit. I transformed the account into your name, this is your credit card linked to it. It’s your money you can do with it whatever you want.”

Tom could see the flabbergasted expression on his brother’s face and winced inwardly. He had been afraid all along that Bill would throw the money back in his face, angry because Tom didn’t even ask him about it first. But he told the truth, he had saved money for Bill all those years and it felt right to give it to him.

“Tomi, I…I don’t even know what to say.”

Bill looked from his hands holding the credit card to Tom and back to his hands. A weary expression had settled into his eyes and he looked confused around as if the room could provide him any clues as to how he should react.

Tom stepped closer to Bill, pressing his lips in a gentle kiss on his brother’s cheeks.

“Please don’t say anything just yet,” Tom murmured pleadingly. “Please just think about it, go to the bank when you are in the city today and talk to them. You’ll find that I tell the truth. I wanted you to have this all along. I want to share my life with you, everything you see around you is yours as well as mine. Including myself, because my soul belongs to you.”

Tom could feel dampness on Bills cheek and as he looked up he saw Bills tear-filled eyes overflowing.

“I don’t need any money. I just need you. Please don’t ever leave me again!” Bill whispered desperately in a hoarse voice.

“I won’t, my sweet angel. When you are on your way downstairs pass by the portiere he has your set of keys and keycard so that you have access to the loft.”

“My keys and keycard?” Bill raised his eyebrow seemingly puzzled.

“Yes yours!” Tom emphasized. “I mailed my lawyers yesterday. They changed the contract on the loft. Its now mine and yours. “

“What? How and when did you do this? We arrived here so late!”

Bill looked like had woken up in a strange dream and tried desperately get back to the reality he knew. Tom felt guilty for being hasty, doing all these things without Bills knowledge. Up until know Tom didn’t realize that what he planned as a nice surprise was maybe something Bill didn’t even approve of.

“Yeah I’ll pay them 1000 quit by the hour so I have every right to demand service at late hours.”

Tom’s voice had tuned out in a whisper dreading Bills response.

 

//'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish  
You'd tell me this was love  
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned  
But some how it's enough  
And now we're standing face to face   
Isn't this world a crazy place  
Just when I thought our chance had passed  
You go and save the best for last//

Bill had been totally overwhelmed by how fast things changed. He had asked Tom to give him some time to think about it and with a sad smile Tom had left for work, handing him the business card of his own personal banker. Bill had stared a long time at the golden letters on the ivory business card but decided in the end to at least hear what the banker had to say.

That’s why Bill was sitting in a soft red chair, looking at middle aged man in a grey suit and discrete glasses. Toms personal banker had freed time for him to explain everything there was to know about the account Tom had created for him. He pointed at rows and rows of numbers on a paper that showed that Tom had started to put in money in this account three years ago. The amount grew steadily and as Bill looked down at the number on the bottom of the page his breath hitched as he realized that he would be rich if he accepted the money.

Bills head swirled from all the numbers and information as he stepped out from the cool air inside the bank into the glistening New York sun. The banker had explained to him that if he didn’t want the money he had to give it to charity. Tom had made it impossible for him to give the money back. Bill felt totally confused and at loss what he should do and why his brother decided to give him that much money.

Bill entered the park right across from the bank and sat down on one of the wooden benches. The sunlight filtered through the branches of the trees and flowers spread a summery smell. Bill could still hear the traffic, but it was muffled like a little calm oasis in central New York. He took out his phone and decided to call his mother to ask her for advice. In opposite to Tom who rarely asked for anyone’s help Bill wasn’t too proud to admit when he needed advice.  
After three signals Bills mother picked up.

“Hello sweetie! How are you doing?”

Their mum knew that Bill was visiting Tom in New York. She had been really surprised and happy that the twins started to talk again when she heard about it. Bill knew that she had worried much about them. It had been a difficult situation for her to see her sons fall apart but not being able to help because she wasn’t told what was going on. She did her best to support them and be there for them.

“I am fine, mum. New York is great.”

He heard a rustle and imagined his mum sitting down at her desk, with legs crossed in a comfortable position to talk to her son.

“How are things with Tom?”

Simone’s voice sounded concerned and she sighed a little, as if asking made her uncomfortable.

“Things with Tom are good. Actually that’s why I am calling. Today he gave me a credit card with my name on linked to a bank account that apparently is mine. I just learned that there is a lot of money in that account. Mum, it’s so weird I don’t even know what to do. Why would he give me all this money? I don’t understand. “

Bills voice had become desperate in the end and leaned back against the wooden bench, taking deep breaths of the warm air. Summer was still lingering on but you could already feel a hint of freshness, the first sign that autumn was on its way.

“Honey, I know it must be confusing. I know that Tom started saving money for you when his company became successful. Under countless occasions during the last years he asked me to give it you in some way. But I always demanded he should wait until he could give it to you himself.”

“But we hadn’t talked for years why would he even do that?”

“Bill, your brother is a complicated person. Do you remember when you were little you loved dessert in all variations? When I would come out with the dessert you threw yourself over it, devouring yours in the matter of minutes. Then you got sad when you realized you had nothing left while everyone enjoyed their dessert. Often you cried or got upset in some way.”

Bill chuckled a little at the memory that surfaced before his minds eyes.

“Tom couldn’t stand to see you upset so he shared his dessert with you. So many times I told him that he wouldn’t have to do that, that you needed to learn to be happy with one portion like everyone else. But he never could, I think he hadn’t had a dessert to his own for years.”

“He always shared with me,” Bills voice cracked a little, overwhelmed by the aching tenderness the memory caused in his heart.

“Yes he did. I think it’s the same with that money. He just couldn’t stand to have it to his own he wanted to share it with you, even though you two weren’t talking.”

Simone paused and gave her youngest son the time to process the thought.

“Because he loves me,” Bill whispered, almost as to himself.

“Yes of course he loves you darling,” his mother agreed, not knowing how much deeper their love for each other really was.

After some more small talk about his visit in New York Bill hung up the phone. By now he regretted the distant and unhappy way he had acted when Tom gave him this gift. He had seen the hurt in Tom’s eyes when he left for work. But he had been too overwhelmed to react in any other way. 

Things were happening so fast his head was spinning. His emotions couldn’t keep up at the pace everything else evolved. Sitting in the park Bill realized that his brother had not given him that account with strings attached,he merely felt the genuine wish to share something with Bill.

Looking around Bill realized that he was just a block away from TK records so he decided on a second surprise visit in the matter of 24 hours. With his sunglasses shielding him from the sun he walked the short distance, clearing his thoughts. 

Bill entered the TK records building minutes later and was greeted by the trickling sound of water from the enormous fountain and the ringing of what appeared to be several phones on the reception desk. Bill just walked by, receiving a smile and a nod from the friendly women he met yesterday. He smiled a little thinking that Tom’s staff had already become accustomed to the fact the he was coming and going.

Tom’s secretary stood behind her desk sorting papers. Today she was wearing a light blue jacket and a black skirt which suited her way more than yesterday’s cerise colored ensemble.

“Hello Bill, how are you today? I guess you are here to see Tom?”

Bill nodded and smiled, exchanged some small talk about the beauty of the late summer in the city.

“Come on, Tom is in his office, we’ll just go in.”

Tom’s secretary gestured Bill to follow her. Tom had already put the blinds down to work without disruption so Mrs. White paused to knock. Upon confirmation that it was ok to enter she pushed the door open so that Bill could go inside.

“Bill!” Tom looked alarmed at the sight of his brother all of a sudden standing in his office again.

“Is everything ok? Has something happened?”

Bill smiled at the worried look on his brother’s face and his heart ached in a very sweet way upon realizing how much Tom cared about him. It felt like balm on his wounded soul.

“Don’t worry everything is perfect. I just needed to see you.”

Bill looked behind to see if the door was closed and checked the blinds to see if they were closed as well so that the brothers were shielded from the eyes of others. He approached Tom on firm steps, dragging him into an embrace and almost crashing his mouth upon Toms. 

Bill hadn’t planned on using that much force but Tom managed to send a thousand butterflies through his entire body. Hastily he licked around Tom’s mouth, forcing him to part his lips so that Bills tongue could gain entrance. Bill licked in a wet and sloppy kiss on the roof of Tom’s mouth, making Tom gasp for air.  
Bill broke the kiss and nestled into his favorite spot the crack of Toms neck.

“Thank you for caring for me all those years, even though we didn’t talk. I know that we talked about that we never stopped loving each other but seeing that account made it real for me. Not because of the money but because you thought of me and cared.”

Bills voice was loaded with emotions, his body melting into Toms. He wanted to tell Tom how much he loved him. But he got distracted by Toms tongue, licking from his earlobe to his neck, biting a little at his shoulder. The sensations made goose bumps erupt on Bills skin and suddenly he felt the intense need to be close to Tom, feel him, taste him and smell him.

“Tomi…mmm…need you…now!” Bill almost stuttered the words, his fingers trembling with need and arousal. He didn’t know why it took mere seconds and some kisses from Tom to set him on fire. Bill was already half way into Tom’s designer pants, dragging them down.

“Bill ..no…we have to be careful” Tom whispered, putting up resistance Tom knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep up for long.

“Shh…you just have to be…very quite,” a mischievous smile crossed Bills face when he knelt down in front of Tom.

“What...oh…oh….,”Bill heard Tom moan helplessly as his tongue swirled around his brothers cock, slowly sucking and stroking. Bill smiled and hoped that Tom would be able to keep his voice down. It was dangerous to seduce Tom in his office like that but it also was incredibly sexy.

10 minutes later Tom was rearranging his suit while Bill licked smiling on his lips. Bill felt content and happy that he gave his brother so much pleasure. At the end Tom had to bite down on his fist to not cry out while he came into Bills mouth. Bill chuckled to himself and deemed the whole thing worth it even though it had been reckless behavior. The only good thing was that Tom’s office was on the far end of a very loud room.

Toms embrace was strong, tight and warm and made Bills stomach swirl and his skin tingle. Bill could feel Toms beard rasping the sensitive skin on his neck.

“I love you sweet angel,” Tom whispered into Bills ears, sending shivers down his spine. Bill felt like all the broken pieces of his soul would finally stick back together if Tom hugged him tight enough.

//Sometimes the snow comes down in june  
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon  
Just when I thought our chance had passed  
You go and save the best for last//


	14. Chapter 14

//Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed  
Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed  
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need  
I say love, it is a flower, and you, it's only seed//

After some more kissing and cuddling Bill finally left to get some shopping done. Tom went to his private bathroom to freshen up and erase all evidence of the passionate encounter he had with Bill in his office. As he was about to twist his hair into a knot, he smiled and decided to leave it as it was. In his mind he could still hear Bill mumbling how much he loved Tom’s hair and feel Bills fingertips on his head.

Tom tried not to think about Bill while answering countless work-related emails but his thoughts drifted off once in a while, recalling the sweet taste of Bills mouth and the creamy softness of his skin. Tom sighed finishing off the last email. Instead of moving on to the papers he needed to sign Tom got up and paced around his office. He felt jittery, happy and a little crazy. His heart raced and he was so happy he wouldn’t be surprised if pink clouds were about to appear before his window.

With his concentration gone Tom focused on the fact the he wanted to give Bill a special evening because they never got to go to a proper dinner the day before. Countless options emerged in his mind and were quickly disregarded. All the places he could think of were either not posh enough or had to little privacy. The downside on taking Bill out to dinner would be that he had to act a whole evening like a big brother and not like a lover who was ready to devour Bill if he got the chance. The chances that Tom could pull that off weren’t big given that one longing look from Bills beautiful eyes made his heart race and he was on fire within seconds.

On the other hand Tom wanted Bill to have a special evening because he had so much to make up for. He should have taken him out to a date years ago instead of destroying their relationship. Now that Tom had the chance he wanted to show Bill how much he meant to him. Suddenly an idea hit him that was so good that he haltered in his steps, spinning around himself to go back to his desk. 

Behind his computer again he frenetically typed an email with a wide smile on his face.  
Tom wondered for a brief moment if he could pull off what he had planned in the short amount of time but pushed the thought away quickly. He wanted this to happen and if he had to pay extra to make it happen he would do so. Tom picked up his phone; entering a number he just had googled.

Several phone calls later Tom was sipping on a hot cup of coffee, smiling content. He had just gotten the confirmation that everything would be in place tonight, so that he could surprise Bill. His stomach fluttered nervously as his thoughts lingered on the fact that he would take out the man he loved tonight to dinner. The whole thing with Bill had happened so fast he had purely acted on instinct. Now that he made a conscious effort for their relationship he felt uneasy realizing that he had not the first idea about dating or being in a relationship. 

Given that Bill was his little brother and at the same time the man he desired and was in love with didn’t make things easier.

Tom flushed involuntarily as his thoughts wandered to the subject of sex. The brief but passionate encounters with Bill had shown him how much tension had built up between them already. He doubted that they could hold themselves back for long. Tom felt highly insecure because he never shared the bed of a man before. Of course he knew in theory what he was supposed to do; he didn’t live under a rock, but not having been with a man before made him practically a virgin. Tom flinched, he felt awkward just thinking about it alone in his office, he couldn’t even imagine talking to Bill about it.

Putting his head on his hand Tom knew that he should tell Bill about his insecurities and foremost ask Bill, who was way more experienced in that area, what he preferred. Somehow Tom would rather go to see his dentist than having that conversation.

Tom picked up the silvery pen with his name engraved, determined to end his thought spiral and get some work done before the afternoon was over. His mind barely connected the words on the paper to a coherent sentence and he gave up with a sigh. Tom shook his head as the thought emerged that he could do some research using gay porn. He laughed a little, what a day at the office involving both an amazing blow job and watching gay porn. Apparently his life had been way to boring earlier.

In the end he didn’t do it, but he peeked at some pictures which made his stomach flop. Instead of helping him the pictures just confused him even more and sweat gathered on his forehead just by thinking of it. The weird thing was that Tom didn’t feel attracted to men like he did to women. He could see a pretty man and acknowledge their beauty but he never had a reaction to it other than the shrug of his shoulders. It had always been just Bill who riled him up with his burning eyes and endless beauty. It had always been and still were just Bill who made his thoughts go crazy and his body aching from longing. But then on the other side he never had that reaction to girls either.

Tom just hoped that he wouldn’t fuck things up with his insecurities and shortcomings. Just the thought that Bill would compare him to other lovers he had made his skin break out in cold sweat. He was pretty much sure that the comparison wouldn’t be in his favor. How could it be when he had practically no idea what he was doing. It had been easy to cover it up earlier this morning because he had just followed Bills lead but he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to fake his way through a whole intercourse, pretending he was an expert on that area.

Caught up in mails, signing papers and his conflicted thoughts Tom had managed to forget time as a cautious knock startled him and he looked up from the contract he was reading. The door opened and in strolled his brother again with what seemed to be a hundred shopping bags in his hands.

“I am back,” he shouted as if Tom could have missed it.

“Successful shopping, huh?”

Tom smiled and pointed to the dozen bags that Bill had spread out on the floor.

“Oh yeeeeees,” Bill responded with glistening eyes flashing his white teeth at Tom.

Bill started talking about different clothing brands, jewelry and hats so that Toms head spun like he was trapped on a merry-go-round. Tom blinked and tried to come up with a respond that didn’t sound like he didn’t care. Truth to be told Tom didn’t care about fashion very much, he had a personal shopper for his business suits and rarely bought leisure clothes and when he did he bought something that was comfortable and looked nice.

“Ähm…bought anything…I don’t know…hot?”

For a moment Tom asked himself what was wrong with him. Tom had been this way since they were teenagers when he didn’t know what to say he came up with a naughty joke. The only problem was that now with their new relationship growing he couldn’t say things like that without maneuvering them to unsecure ground.

Tom could see Bills cheeks redden and his eyes dart around the room like he looked for a hole to escape. He wringed his hands, clearing his throat with his eyes now fixated on the ground before him.

“Mmm…Maybe,” Bill whispered with a tiny voice clearly too embarrassed to even answer that question. Bill hunched his shoulders a little and shifted from one leg to the other obviously nervous and uncomfortable.

Tom thought that he was an idiot for even asking such a thing but part of him got excited by Bills answer. That part made adrenalin rush through his body and dirty images of Bill in sexy underwear with various toys swirling through his head. Tom took a calming breath to find his composure after all he needed to walk through the whole office to leave the building and a bulge in his pants would make that impossible.

“Just kidding, sweet angel,” Tom said softly in an effort to free his brother from his unease. It seemed to work because Bill smiled again at him.

“I got you something,” Bill reached down into a black paper back, dragging out a navy blue cap. 

The cap was quite elegant and discrete. Tom took the cap Bill extended to him and put it on immediately.

It was like someone had turned the lights on in Bills eyes and with a delighted look on his features he approached Tom who was still seated in his desk chair. Bill bend down, pressing his lips onto Toms in a chaste kiss.

“You look so good with caps, it’s like back then.”

With a reassuring look that the door was closed Tom took Bills hand and kissed his smooth fingertips.

“Thank you, baby!” Tom murmured into Bills hand. 

//It's the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance  
It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance  
It's the one who won't be taken, who can not seem to give  
And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live//

Bill could still feel his cheeks burn and his heart clench in pure embarrassment as they left Toms office, arms full of shopping bags in various sizes. He just hoped no one could decipher his flustered expression. Knowing his brother Bill was pretty sure that he just tried to cover up the fact that he hadn’t listen to a word of Bills monologue about fashion but the question still hit him dead on. Bill tried to keep his head down as he felt the flush creeping back on his white skin as he thought about the silky black boxers he bought alongside with strawberry lube. In a way it was unsettling that Tom would ask that question right after Bill left the shop for erotic accessories. Bills fingers clenched around the plastic handle of giant purple bag with the Dior sign on it.

The car ride home took forever but Bill was too exhausted to make small talk with Tom. He leaned with his temple against the cool window and let the almost undetectable rocking motions of the car soothe him. This time around Bill entered the building with his own keycard, smiling upon reading his name in curly letters on the silvery card. It made him feel at home even though he barely had been with Tom for two days.

Bill noticed Tom exchange a meanings full glance with the portiere who looked guilty at his shoes when he caught Bill looking. Bill frowned and looked inquiringly at Tom who took his phone out to glance at the message that just came indicated by a beeping sound.

“Work again?” Bill asked, with an eyebrow raised in suspicion.

He could tell that Tom was nervous; he fidgeted with his car keys on the elevator ride to the apartment. Every time Bill tried to catch his eyes Tom averted his glance fast.

“No, nothing. Its no one.”

Tom replied hastily, shoving the phone back into his pocket like it was a hot potato. Bill knew definitely that something was up and he flinched at the thought that the message might be one of Tom’s girls making a booty call. His heart clenched painfully at the thought.

“I thought we could go out for dinner. I just want to take a shower, then we can go”, Tom said while entering the loft, dropping shopping bags all around him. 

Without looking back to Bill for confirmation Tom stepped out his shoes and made his way down to his bedroom. Bill could feel that Tom was avoiding looking at him and a dreadful feeling spread throughout his body. Bills hands trembled as he gathered the shopping bags that Tom had carelessly dropped on the floor.

Bill tried to convince himself that everything was fine, that when he left for shopping everything between them had been ok. But Bill knew his brother to well, without a doubt he knew that Tom was hiding something and that Tom was very nervous about it. Bill tried not to freak out as he put the shopping bags into his room, not caring about opening them up and tidying things away.

Bill let himself fall onto the perfectly made bed and absent mindedly noted that the housekeeper must have been here because Bill had left the room in a state of chaos with sheets on the floor alongside with wet towels and shoes spread throughout the entire room. Now his shoes stood in tidy rows beside the door on a matt.

Bills heart beat in a fast, almost painful rhythm as he tried to push the tiny voice in his head away that said that Bill had been convinced Tom would never leave him five years ago but he did. What made him so sure it wouldn’t happen again?

Bill followed that thread of thought, noting the fact that normally Tom wasn’t into man. That’s why it had been so surprising to Bill to learn that Tom was in love with him. Deep down however he wasn’t certain what chance he would stand against beautiful women with big bosoms, exactly the way Tom liked them. If that message Tom got earlier had been from some former girlfriend he just might have gotten second thoughts about their relationship.

Bill felt like the pieces of his broken soul that barely stuck together again drifted apart. Once he trusted Tom with his life but now he couldn’t even be sure if Tom would still love him at the end of the day and that was the most painful experience Bill had in a while.

The things Tom had told him swirled through his mind like that he never stopped loving him but right now they were just words, meaningless because at the end of the day Bill still had been alone and hurting for five years. All the feelings of self hatred and loneliness crashed over him, once again questioning why somebody would even love him. Bill felt ugly and unloved with nothing to offer to a man like Tom: stunning, successful and foremost straight.

Bill didn’t even bother to swipe away the tears streaming down his cheeks. He knew certainly that he wouldn’t make it this time around. If Tom decided to leave again or that he all of a sudden didn’t want Bill in his life he wouldn’t be able to survive.  
//It's the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance  
It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance  
It's the one who won't be taken, who can not seem to give  
And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live//

Tom had showered to make himself presentable for tonight’s date with Bill. He chose some of his leisure clothes he barely wore, a dark denim jeans and tight white shirt that framed his muscles in a flattering way. He kept his hair down the way Bill liked it and smiled at his expression in the mirror knowing that he tried to look as good as possible for Bill.

He couldn’t find Bill in the living room but could see him on the bed in his room still wearing the clothes he had for his shopping trip and with his back to the door. Tom wondered if his little brother might have fallen asleep, he seemed so exhausted on their way home.

Tom entered the room on silent feet until he realized the small rocking motions Bill made with his body. Then he heard what must be small sobs escaping from the younger man. Tom approached the bed, curling up behind Bill to embrace him. He didn’t know what happened but he just hoped there wasn’t bad news from home.

“Bill angel, what happened? Why are you sad?”

Tom couldn’t keep the worry out of his voice and the way he held Bill tightly. Tom could tell that Bill struggled to come up with an answer between the sobs, but his body was shaking violently.

“I am not going to make it if you leave again. I just can’t. You can leave if you want to but please don’t ask me to live without you, because I can’t. “

Every word came between sobs and seemed like Bill needed almost to shove them out of his throat violently. Tom was highly confused, everything had been fine and now Bill was falling apart.

“What are you even talking about Bill? This…us…is forever, right?”  
Bill looked up at him with pain and relief struggling in his beautiful eyes. Tom wearily traced the tracks that the tears had left on Bills cheeks with his fingertips.

“But…you are hiding something. I thought maybe it’s a former girlfriend or that you realized that you are not into man after all, or into me. “

Tom flinched and sighed. Somehow his brother must have picked up his insecurities and that had made him suspicious alongside with the fact the he was hiding something: the surprise he had for Bill.

“Firstly: I am hiding something, or not anymore because as soon as you are ready I am going to show you what it is. Secondly: No I am not having second thoughts silly…I am just….very insecure.”

Tom admitted and still he would have rather gone to the dentist than doing it. He watched Bills eyebrows travel up in surprise.

“About what?” Bill asked curiously.

Toms face had already shifted into a deep red and he put his hands into fists. He felt so embarrassed having to admit that he had no idea what to do, no experience in this area. For someone like Tom who always had the image of a sexgott it was not easy.

“See I have never…been…with a man before. I am not going to be as good as any of your lovers and I don’t even know what you prefer.” Tom’s voice had turned out to a whisper.

Tom could see a smile cross Bills face and he just hoped that his brother wouldn’t laugh or Tom might just die on the spot. But Bill didn’t laugh; he put a cool hand to Toms burning cheeks and caressed his skin.

“You prefer you mean…erm…sexwise?” Now it was Bills turn to blush at the blunt question.

Tom nodded, looking down on his hands instead of Bill. He could tell how Bill took a deep breath and felt a little sorry for his little brother knowing that he was much shyer when it came to personal matters than he was.

“I would like it very much if you would make love to me. But just if you want. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then we don’t have to.” Bill added quickly.

Tom smiled as he could feel the already familiar burning in his stomach that indicated that he was on his way of being aroused. The thoughts of him doing the things to Bill he had seen on the picture made his skin prickle and his toes curl. Tom leaned down, sucking Bills earlobe into his mouth.

“I would love to do that sweet angel”, Tom whispered hoarsely.

Bill turned around and faced him pressing his body against Toms. But Tom pushed him away and turned to get out of the bed. As he realized that his arousal already was visible he flinched. Receiving a puzzled look from Bill he extended his hand.

“Come on, your surprise is waiting for you!”

In the matter of minutes Bill turned from a grown up man into an excited five year old bouncing up and down beside Tom demanding to know what the surprise was. Tom smiled widely on their way to the elevator, because he had seen his brother like this every Christmas. Bill loved surprised but he hated them to because he couldn’t stand not knowing.

Upon entering the elevator Tom took out a special card, an shoved it into a slot by the door.

“I want you to close your beautiful eyes and not open them until I say so. No peeking!”

Tom cast a stern look at Bill because he knew his little brother would be tempted to peek.

“Promise!” Bill smiled.  
The elevator arrived on the rooftop. Normally the rooftop wasn’t used by the people living in the building but Tom had convinced the portiere to get him access for one night. Now he just hoped that everything would be as he had imagined. Instead of taking Bill out on a date he took the date to Bill.

He stepped out of the elevator, guiding Bill with a hand on the small of his back. Relief washed through Tom as his eyes fell on his surprise. It turned out to be even better than he had hoped for. The rooftop had changed from being a area clad in grass but nothing more into a romantic location. Candles were lit on nearly every surface on the ground. In the middle of the roof top a Italian style table and chairs had been put up, at the perfect spot to see the breathtaking view of a New York night but far away from the edges to be safe.

In the other corner of the roof there was a giant four-poster- bed covered in white linens. White curtains blew in the light breeze. Tom could smell pasta, coming from another side table covered in all Bills favorite dishes. Champagne was set on the table and rose paddles covered the surface between the table and the bed.

“You can open your eyes now!”

Tom could see Bill open his eyes slowly, adjusting to the new lightning and widen in surprise as he took in everything. Bill had his hands clasped together, pressed to his heart and his breathing became shallow at the sight of Toms surprise.

“Do you care to join me on our first date?” Tom extended a hand to Bill smiling.

This time he was sure that the tears shimmering in his brothers eyes were tears of joy.


	15. Chapter 15

//What would I do without your smart mouth  
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out  
You got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down  
What's going on in that beautiful mind  
I'm on your magical mystery ride  
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright//

Tom looked in awe at the wide smile that crossed Bills delicate features and made his eyes glisten like a million stars. Tom realized that he would do everything to make his brother smile like that again. The warmth radiating from his heart through his entire body was so all consuming that Tom didn’t realize that he stood frozen in the same spot until a pair of soft lips stroke gingerly over his cheeks.

“Of course I want to. I love it, Tomi.”

Tom looked down at his little brother, their fingers entwined and their eyes locked. He hoped that Bill could feel all the things he wasn’t able to express in words. A warm breeze swept over the rooftop, making the white curtains of the bed sway and lifted some rose paddles from the ground. The light of the hundreds of candles flickered but continued to burn steadily, illuminating the beautiful setting. The breeze brought the smell of fresh Italian food and reminded Tom, that it was time to eat.

“Let’s eat something, Billa.”

Tom untangled their fingers and made his way to the beautifully set table. Champagne was waiting for them; a single rose was standing in the middle of the table.

“Tom, please can I get 10 minutes? Just to freshen up? I feel sweaty and awful.”

Tom looked back at Bill who was still standing at the same spot, shifting from one leg to another and fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. Tom realized that Bill looked nervous and a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. It was good to know that he wasn’t the only one feeling nervous. Tom guessed that Bill felt as well as he that this was an important evening. It was their first real date, the first effort to make a relationship between them work.

“Of course sweet angel, if it makes you feel better.” Tom nodded reassuringly and approached Bill to slip the keycard in his hand.

“Just press the keycard in the slot besides the elevator door when you want to get back up here. I’ll wait.”

Tom couldn’t resist to lean closer to Bill to inhale his musky scent. During a long, warm day in New York filled with shopping the perfume Bill was wearing had faded and left him smelling like himself. Tom loved Bills own smell and for him he didn’t need to freshen up. But Tom didn’t say anything because he knew how important it had been for himself to look good for his brother tonight.

But he couldn’t resist pressing his mouth at the back of Bills neck, licking slowly to savor the way Bill tasted right now. Putting butterfly kisses all the way up from Bills neck to his jawline and cheeks Tom found finally the strength to pull back to let Bill go back to the apartment.

Tom watched his brother enter the elevator and took a deep breath. Smirking he contemplated that it was a good thing Bill forced a little break onto them because just kissing Bill had set his body on fire. This evening was about getting to know each other again, about talking and feeling not about finding quick release in each other’s hands.

Tom strolled back to the table and sat down sighing. He was content with his efforts tonight and seeing Bill smile had made it all worth it. Tom could still feel his nervousness regarding the sex topic under his skin but the tension slowly subsided after the talk he had with Bill earlier. Tom was still afraid that he wouldn’t be able to live up to Bills expectations but seeing Bill react to his surprise made him also realize that there was so much more to focus on than his insecurities regarding that one part of their relationship. They had missed out on so much these past years and Tom was determined to get to know Bill again.

A chiming sound snapped Tom out of his thoughts 15 minutes later and he watched the doors of the elevator slowly glide open. Tom gasped for air at the sight of Bill emerging from the elevator. Bill was wearing dark denim jeans which sat low on his narrow waste. The material hugged Bills thin legs tight and Toms eyes traveled involuntarily to Bills groin where the fabric emphasized things more than it hid them. Tom’s eyes wandered up to Bills upper body covered in something that you could call a shirt with good will. It had no sleeves and revealed almost everything of Bills upper body. Tom swallowed hard as his eyes traced the tattoos covering Bills body. His fingers twitched in desire to touch Bills skin. Tom noticed that Bill was wearing several rings and a chain around his neck.

Tom licked his lips at the sight of Bills tussled hair that looked like he just had had a wild night. His tongue ring glistened in the reflecting candlelight and Tom could spot the tiniest hint of black around Bills almond shaped eyes. It made him look mysterious in a very sexy way. Tom tried to breathe calmly through his nose, but the sight of his beautiful brother made his heart ache and his groin tighten. It wasn’t something he could control and the overwhelming longing to protect that beautiful elven creature made his heart thump against his rib cage. 

“God, you are so beautiful,” Tom whispered almost as to himself but he could tell that Bill had heard his words.

Bill took small steps in Tom’s direction, his eyes glued to Tom like he would disappear if he averted his glance just for some seconds. Tom could feel the heat radiating from Bills eyes, covering his body in fire and made his stomach swirl in anticipation. All of a sudden Tom was very happy that he decided to order a bed to the roof top if things heated up.

//My head's underwater  
But I'm breathing fine  
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind  
'Cause all of me  
Loves all of you  
Love your curves and all your edges  
All your perfect imperfections  
Give your all to me  
I'll give my all to you  
You're my end and my beginning  
Even when I lose I'm winning  
Cause I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you, oh//

Bill looked at Tom who was sitting in a chair by the table, with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. Bill knew that look, it was the one look Tom gave to people he truly desired and that knowledge ignited a firework on Bills skin followed by goosebumps. He felt much better now that he had been able to shower and put on the new silky underwear he had bought today. Bill felt loved and desired under Toms heated glances and for the first time in years he felt content with his appearance.

Bill went forward and joined Tom at the table, gingerly sitting down. It seemed like Tom had noticed his mouth hanging open and had closed it in an effort to seem calm. Bill put his hand on Tom’s bigger one lying on the table and the cold sweat covering it betrayed Toms calm demeanor. Bill stroked his fingertips over Toms knuckles softly. He had always loved Tom’s hands. Watching those hands play the guitar was one of his favorite things to do. The images of Tom’s hands playing the guitar were replaced by images of the other sexier things he could do with his hands and Bills breath hitched.

Normally it wasn’t easy to get Bills attention and it was even more difficult to arouse him. But what strangers sometimes didn’t accomplish with explicit touches of Bills private body parts Toms mere presence was enough. Bill smiled a little at the tiny container of lube that hid in his back pocket. A swarm of butterflies set off in his stomach as Bills thoughts lingered at the four-poster-bed and Tom’s possible intentions.

Bill couldn’t deny the heat and tension that was building up between them by the minute and he knew that it wouldn’t be enough anymore to touch each other. Bill knew about Tom’s insecurities but he hoped that he could show Tom that he had little to worry about. Deep down he hoped that would make him his tonight.

“Are you hungry?” Tom asked and pointed at the variation of what seemed to be all Bills favorite Italian dishes.

Bill could spot several different desserts and grinned at the memory of Tom sharing his own dessert with Bill when they were children.

“Starving!” Bill nodded excitedly.

For a while there was nothing to hear but the sounds of silverware clicking and the blissful silence only really delicious food could create. The muffled sounds of the New York evening drifted up to them which made them feel connected to the city in a wonderful way. After the first ravenous hunger was stilled the brothers were able to talk about the many things that had happened in their lives the past years. They covered their careers, as well as their friends and families and even touched the subject of their former love life. They didn’t dwell on it to not ruin the atmosphere but they talked about the most important things regarding that part of their lives.

“I never had a serious relationship all those years. I went from one partner to the next in the matter of days. I guess it was a way of hurting myself.”

Bill sighed and put his fork down, carding his hands through his messy hair. It had taken a long time until he realized that he abused sex to harm himself. It took even longer until he finally was able to put a stop to it. Only after Tom had contacted him Bill finally realized what he was doing to himself and to the people around him. He looked up from his plate to see Tom flinch in response to that statement. Bill knew that it was a sensitive topic but he wanted to be honest to Tom. Sooner or later he would probably hear about this from the G’s.

“I am so sorry,” Tom murmured, a look of guilt edged into his features. Under the flickering candlelight Bill could see the color drain from Tom’s cheeks. He hadn’t said that to make Tom feel guilty, rather because he felt guilty himself even if he logically didn’t have to. It still felt like he had betrayed Tom every time he slept with another man or women.

Bill stood up from the table to break the tension that was about to settle between them. Curiously he hovered over the various desserts, deciding which one he should pick. There was a dark chocolate mousse with strawberry’s, Tiramisu and cheesecake. Bill had a hard time to decide because each dessert looked delicious in its own way and smelled even better. All of a sudden he could feel his brother’s strong arms gripping his waste and spinning him around so that their faces almost collided. A long moment they cast fleeting glances at each other, breathing the air coming out of the mouth of the other. It was a very intimate moment, with their bodies barely touching but feeling a closeness that exceeded the physical one by far.

“Wanna share a dessert?” Tom smirked and raised an eyebrow knowingly.

Tom picked up three of the tiny plates in his big hands, putting them down at his end of the table.

“Heeeeeey…you took all of them!” Bill exclaimed surprised and was rewarded with a low chuckle coming from Tom.

Bill could see his brother sit down and pet his lap. It took several seconds until the message registered in Bills brain. The realization came with a flush and a flustered expression as Bill cautiously sat down onto Toms lap. He felt a bit silly and giddy, but wonderfully loved at the same time. Strong arms pulled him against Tom’s muscular chest and Bill melted into the loving embrace.

“Mmmm…I think we start with Tiramisu,” Tom stated as he peered down the dessert plates.  
Tom scooped a little amount of Tiramisu on a spoon and put it slowly into his mouth, the wet tip of his tongue showing once he licked the spoon clean with a blissed expression on his face. Bills attention was fixated on Toms red lips and the way he was sucking cherishingly at the tip of the spoon. All of a sudden Bills mouth went dry and he leaned down to kiss the sweetness of Tom’s mouth.

Several seconds later Bill broke the kiss panting.

“My turn,” Bill demanded of Tom with his eyes feverishly glistening.

Tom scooped once again some Tiramisu on the spoon and held it to Bills closed mouth. As soon as Bill felt the sweet stickiness on his lips he opened his mouth, his tongue darting out to relish the first taste. He sucked the creamy dessert that tasted coffee into his mouth, closing his eyes and moaning lightly at the various sensations that hit his taste buds with force. After eating a spoonful he put the spoon into his mouth, his eyes locking with Toms as he licked all the way from the top to the bottom of the silvery spoon.

Bill could hear Tom gasp for air and something suspiciously hard dug into his thigh. Tom’s strong hands travelled up his legs, pausing a couple of seconds on his inner thighs. He could feel the warmth radiating from Toms hands through the fabric of his jeans and Bill unconsciously opened his legs a little wider. Tom seemed to understand and softly touched Bills swelling hardness. But he only lingered at this sensitive spot a couple of seconds before Bill could feel callused hands trace the outlines of his tattoos.

All of a sudden a deep neediness came over Bill. He was aroused just by sitting on Toms lap and being softly touched by him but more than that he felt the need to be held close, to feel Tom on his skin and inside of him. Bill straddled Tom, aligning their faces for a sweet kiss. With his groin pressed against Toms Bill couldn’t help but groan impatiently as he rocketed back and forth to create friction between them.

Strong hands guided his motions and he was pressed even harder against the hardness underneath him. Bill could hear Tom hiss “fuck Bill” before his mouth was devoured by a dominant tongue that licked and massaged the inside of his mouth. Bill succumbed to the dominating kiss, letting Tom lift him up. To hold his balance he closed his legs around Tom’s waste which tore another groan from his brother’s lips. With a few steps they were by the bed and Tom lowered Bill cautiously onto the silky surface. Bill had barely time to miss his brother’s weight on him until he startled look down to see his jeans disappear within seconds. Bill held his breath unsure of what his brother would think about his silky underwear.

He got an answer to that as he heard a low moan and a wet and warm kiss were pressed onto the fabric right at the sensitive head of his cock. Bills hips jerked forward as he could feel pre-come mingle with the dampness of the fabric. Tom sucked softly with his mouth still attached to Bills sensitive spot. For a moment Bill saw stars wondering how he was supposed to last when he could give into his orgasm right now. But he fought that desire and Tom released his cock as if he had noticed Bills difficult situation.

Bill watched Tom strip down his clothes one by one, revealing a sun kissed and muscular upper body and a sexy hairline traveling from his belly button to the waist band of his boxers. Tom leaned forward again, licking and nibbling on Bills pink nipples until they turned hard like diamond. Small kisses were put on Bills body all the way to his belly and in one swift motion Bills boxers were dragged down and thrown to the floor. Bill couldn’t remember the last time he had been so needy and so aroused. He moaned loudly as a strong hand took a grip around his cock, making him shiver and jerk his hips with every stroke.

“Tom…lube,” he whispered through gritted teeth. He could see confusion cover Toms face and Bill waved explanatory to his jeans on the floor.

“In the back pocket,” he breathed unable to form a coherent sentence.

Tom nodded and his head and upper body disappeared as he searched for the lube. Seconds later he came up again with a triumphant expression, holding the tiny container of pink strawberry lube clenched in his hands. He settled besides Bill, kissing him tenderly on the already swollen lips. He looked questioningly at Bill and as he received a reassuring nod, Tom opened the lube and put a generous amount on his index finger. Bill could tell by Tom’s slow motions that he was now on unknown territory. In a way Bill liked that thought.

Bill almost passed out as he felt Tom’s finger nudging his entrance, smearing lube all over his crease. Tom applied more pressure and his finger slipped inside. Bill could feel himself tighten up and took some deep breaths. He hadn’t had sex in weeks and he was very tight. Bill willed himself to relax to Toms touches and could feel how Tom slowly applied more pressure to fit his whole finger inside Bill. The fact that it was his brothers finger slowly penetrating him in made Bill almost come all over himself. He moaned and pressed back into Toms touch. 

The moment Tom found the special spot inside of him Bill screamed his name, not caring who might hear them. For a moment he could swear he could hear Tom chuckle but was distracted by the sticky coolness of more lube applied on his ass. His stomach tightened in anticipation and right before he thought he couldn’t take the wait any longer he could feel a second finger breach his entrance. Bill cried out in bliss but couldn’t motivate Tom to change his tender rhythm of softly pushing the fingers inside of him, touching Bills special spot and retracting them softly.

It was wonderfully delicate and loving but it also was frustrating because Bill yearned for Tom.

“Harder,” Bill groaned, unable to hide his frustration with Toms slow movements anymore.  
All of a sudden Tom stopped moving completely, leaning down to capture Bills plush lips for loving kiss. His nose bumped into Bills cheek and soft kisses were put on his jawline. Bill writhed under the slow kisses, desperate to get Tom to do something.

“I am not going to hurt you,” Tom whispered against his ear, small puffs of breath hitting Bills ear shell. A tight grip on his waste pulled him closer to Tom, closing the small distance between them.

“I don’t understand,” Bill mumbled, not being completely honest. Part of him understood what Tom meant and shame wrapped itself around him like a blanket. He had slipped so easily back to his precious behavior, pushing things forward way to fast before he was ready steering them towards rough sex.

“Has it always been that way for you? I mean the urge to feel pain during sex?”

Tom’s bluntness astonished Bill and he clenched the fabric of the bedsheets in his hands, his breathing shallow. Bill had never spoken about his issues to anyone, even if he suspected that the G’s knew that something wasn’t right. Bill nodded in response to Toms question and glued his eyes to their clothes on the floor not able to look at Tom.

“I felt so numb all the time. Sometimes I questioned if I even existed. When I went out, met someone for the night I always chose the guys that seemed a little off, a little hard. I wanted to make sure to avoid any lovemaking. I wanted to be fucked hard and I wanted people who didn’t care if they hurt me, because I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all!”

Cold sweat covered Bills body upon that confession and a slight tremor run through him. Tears stung behind his eyes, rolling down his cheeks hot as the shame he felt. To his surprise Tom didn’t get up and leave, instead his embrace tightened, soft fingertips caressing his spine made him shiver.

“Bill, I want to make love to you. I want to be with you and I want you to wake up loved not hurt.”

“I don’t know how,” Bill whispered, his hands holding onto Tom like the world was going to end.

“Then we’ll learn together,” Tom smiled against Bills lips, thinking a moment about his own insecurities.  
Bill let out a shaky breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He turned around and faced Tom, drowning in those brown loving eyes. He touched Tom’s lips with tender fingertips, tracing the swollen parts from his love bites. The heat and the passion between them had calmed down and were replaced by a deep ache to be close to each other. Loving kisses were put on Bills body until he squirmed under the soft touches. It was an overload for Bills senses: he could feel the smoothness of Tom’s lips, Toms beard rasping his skin and the silky bedcovers underneath him.

“I am going to kiss your entire body a hundred times over until the memory of every other person ever touching you is erased,” Tom mumbled against his stomach, teasingly dragging his tongue over Bills belly button.

Bill could feel Toms tongue on his journey further down, small puffs of air hitting his hardening cock. Bill prayed Tom would stop there but after a teasingly delicate kiss he continued down to his thighs. It was a very special feeling to be loved like this. Every nerve in Bills body twitched and he longed to be touched to find release but at the same time he wanted this to go on forever. It was the sweetest ache residing in his heart. Bill had never felt more beautiful than when Tom mumbled the words into his naked skin.

Tom showed Bill that touching needn’t to be rough in order for Bill to feel something. The softest of touches send goosebumps all over his exposed skin. After an hour of touching and kissing, getting to know one another’s bodies once more, Tom resumed his position behind Bill.

Bill could feel Tom’s fingertips once more brushing over crease, burning hot and cool from the newly applied lube at the same time. Bill felt totally relaxed and as Toms fingers slid inside him there was almost no resistance from Bills body. Once again slow movements prepared him for Tom. Every time Tom deliberately hit his special spot Bill felt fireworks. Tom prepared him long and well, adding two fingers and smearing his insides with generous amounts of lube. No one had ever prepared Bill that well, all he felt was the sensation of being stretched and his lust pulsating through his body but he felt no pain at all.

Suddenly fingers were retracted from him and Bill grunted disappointed. But it took only mere seconds until he felt something smooth, hard and big nudging him. As Tom breached his entrance with the head of his cock Bill felt grateful that he had been prepared that well. Tom felt big and hard inside of him and his muscles clenched involuntarily around the intruder. Bill was stretched even wider, pre-come leaking from his neglected cock. Tom took his time, gradually pushing further inside giving him the time to adjust and relax every step of the way.

The moment Tom buried himself entirely inside of him; Bill took a hard grip around Tom’s waste probably leaving small marks. His senses were overloaded. Feeling his brother deep inside of him Bill realized that nothing ever had felt so right. Like they really were one soul separated into two bodies finally together again. Bills thoughts were swept away as Tom started rocking for and backwards and Bill could do nothing else than hold onto him tightly and call his name in pure bliss.

They didn’t last nearly as long as they would have wanted but the tension inside of them had built up so that they couldn’t stop their immediate releases. Feeling Tom’s orgasm deep inside of him dragged Bill over the edge as well.

Panting, with their limbs still entwined they promised each other that they would heal each others broken parts, no matter what it took. This was indeed forever. 

//Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts  
Risking it all though it's hard  
Cause all of me  
Loves all of you  
Love your curves and all your edges  
All your perfect imperfections  
Give your all to me  
I'll give my all to you  
You're my end and my beginning  
Even when I lose I'm winning  
Cause I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you//


	16. Chapter 16

//All around me are familiar faces  
Worn out places, worn out faces  
Bright and early for the daily races  
Going nowhere, going nowhere//

After their first date the days passed for the twins in a rapid rate. Tom needed to get back to work and tend to his business. That meant he could spend lesser time with Bill but there was too much going on at his record company so he just couldn’t stay home. During Toms workdays Bill got to know the city, visited some sights and did some more shopping. He always stepped by Toms office for lunch. Sometimes they could go out to a restaurant other days were so busy that Tom had barely time for a sandwich at the desk. 

Tom loved Bills visits and he always tried to free as much time for him as possible. In the evenings they had dinner together, sometimes at home relishing their privacy and sometimes in one of Tom’s favorite restaurants. At night they fell asleep in each other’s arms. Tom held onto Bill in a tight embrace, as if he was afraid Bill would disappear if he didn’t hold him properly. The most nights they dedicated to get to know each other again, they talked hours before falling asleep. Tom had made a habit out of arriving at the office late, mostly because he took his time making sweet love to Bill in the mornings.

The brothers enjoyed every day and tried to make the most of it knowing that Bill had to go back to France soon. Three days before his departure the twins were having Asian take out for dinner, eating the food out of the cheap paper containers curled up on the sofa. A sad atmosphere spread itself after Bill had to do the online check in for his flight back to Paris. It was a reminder of a reality they both had tried to deny for the past days and weeks. The twins were pushing the food back and forth, barely eating any of it despite the delicious spicy smell that emerged from it. They weren’t talking and just waited for time to pass until Georg would call them on skype.

Georg had asked for another skype meeting regarding the wedding and the twins were happy to comply. They hadn’t talked to their friends since Bill arrived in the States, too wrapped up with their new relationship.

“I don’t understand why you can’t stay!” Tom exclaimed all of a sudden, putting the small paper container with the Chinese dragon on harshly onto the coffee table.

Bill just raised an eyebrow to acknowledge Toms outburst. They have had this conversation twice already. Bill had explained to Tom the several photo shoots and a runway show he was booked for. Obligations he needed to attend. Contracts had been signed and Bill looked forward to those events. He had explained that his career was important to him, just like Tom cared about his record company. Even if he could cancel the contracts it would leave him with a bad reputation, something Bill didn’t need if he wanted to put out his own fashion line in the near future. The fashion industry didn’t forgive and it certainly didn’t forget.

Tom knew all these reasons were legit and it was selfish to even ask his brother to stay but the thought of Bill leaving made him feel devastated.

“I know, I know,” Tom put his hands up in a defensive gesture before Bill could say anything.

“I don’t want you to leave, that’s all.” Tom hunched his shoulders, almost physically feeling the weight of Bills impending departure.

Bill sighed and put his food down as well, his forehead wrinkled in a frown.

“I don’t WANT to leave. I have to. Tom, I know you don’t like to acknowledge it but I have a whole life in France. The last five years I built a life, that’s something I just can’t abandon like this.”

Tom could hear an underlying annoyance coloring Bills voice. Tom knew that he was way out of line, that he couldn’t just demand that his brother dropped everything in France and just moved to the states to be with Tom. Logically he knew all of that but deep inside he had still hoped that it would happen. Like a child hoped to see Santa one day.

Tom wanted to reach out to his brother, hug him and hold him close but the way Bill had crossed his arms before his chest and his angry eyes glued Tom to the spot. Tom knew that he had to control his possessiveness and his jealousy but the emotions sat just underneath his skin and it took very little for them to take over and steer Tom’s behavior.

Tom had never been the jealous type of guy, he was too laid back and didn’t care enough for the girls he slept with to develop such feelings. All that had changed with Bills return to his life and their relationship. Some days ago they went clubbing because Bill wanted to check out a place some friends had talked about that was supposedly awesome. The night had ended with a huge fight, a bleeding nose and a trip to the police station where Tom had to explain why he just punched the guy that was flirting with his brother. Luckily the guy dropped all charges. It was also the first night the twins had rougher sex, Tom still raging with jealousy trying to mark Bill as his. He didn’t hurt him but it was way beyond the slow and soft lovemaking they usually engaged in.

Tom still felt sorry for the commotion he had caused that night and Bill had forgiven him without even mentioning the incident or the night after to him. Tom felt guilty for behaving like an idiot but he still couldn’t figure out a way to stop it. It was like a boiling volcano inside of him and when it erupted he was powerless.

Tom didn’t say anything else because Bills whole body language told him how upset he was. So he just watched Bill putting the leftovers of their dinner in the fridge. Tom contemplated that there wasn’t much to say anyways because Bill knew what Tom wanted and he had denied it. They had reached a standstill, neither Bill nor Tom were able to compromise about the matter. Tom glanced at Bill fetching his MacBook from the dining room table and switching it on while walking back to the sofa. The question of how they were supposed to make their relationship work while living in two different countries hung heavily in the air.

Tom had asked Bill that exact question the other two times that subject came up and he hadn’t gotten an answer. Toms heart clenched at the thought that maybe their life’s had become too different to merge them together. However Tom didn’t ask the question again because he somehow dreaded that Bill would not want to make it work because Tom had behaved like an idiot.  
Deep in his thoughts Tom didn’t realize the skype call was due until the signature melody indicated an incoming call. Bill scooted closer to him so that they both fit into the frame of the camera, smiling as their friends faces appeared.

“Ah I see you haven’t killed each other yet,” Gustav commented dryly instead of a greeting, followed by a huge grin. 

Georg chuckled at Gustav, the sound a little hollow through the speakers.

Bill leaned closer to the camera, almost as if he wanted to jump through the screen to hug his friends.

“Oh I miss you guys!” Bill exclaimed and all of them smiled softly at the emotional side of Bill. He had always been the one who was the most affectionate of them all.

“Well that can be helped, it’s not long until the wedding. According to my fiancé too little time and too much to do.”

Georg beamed as he mentioned his girlfriend and the upcoming wedding. He acted cool about it but they all knew that this was a very big deal for him.

“By the way Claudia says hi. I have some details I have to go over with you all, since you all are in the wedding entourage. Tom: you are in charge of the rings. Have them ready in church. And please whatever you do don’t lose them.”

Georg sounded slightly panicked but Tom just nodded reassuringly.

“Of course I won’t lose them Georg.”

Tom could tell that Georg let out a breath he had held for a while and he smiled at the nervousness of his best friend. Tom wouldn’t call himself sensitive however this upcoming wedding brought out even his romantic side. All of a sudden he could feel the warmth from Bills body snuggled up against his own. Tom guessed Bill was still mad at him for pushing the subject again but he couldn’t hold himself back and took Bills hand. Tom knew it wouldn’t show on camera that’s why he gave into this sudden need of closeness. He expected Bill to withdraw his hand but instead he wrapped his fingers around Toms, caressing Tom’s knuckles the way he always did right before they went to sleep.

“Well ok thanks. The next thing is: after the ceremony when we arrive at the location for the party there will be champagne and mingling. Then Bill and Tom you perform our song and we dance our first dance to it. After that I need every one of you on the dancefloor joining in for the traditional dance of the wedding entourage. That’s why it’s important that you all bring dates to wedding.

“Dates?” Tom ask dumb folded.

“Yeah you know dates: a nice lady to spend the evening with.”

Georg sounded like he was explaining things to a five year old.

“In order for the dance to work you all have to bring dates. That’s because all the bridesmaids have dates to and we’ll need all of you on the dancefloor. Besides: isn’t that a good opportunity to get yourself a girlfriend? God knows you need it.”

Georg and Gustav burst in laughter and missed the thin lipped angry expression on Toms face.

“I won’t bring a date,” Tom said with gritted teeth his hands curled into fists.

Georg looked genuinely surprised at Tom’s odd reaction. Tom could feel Bills fingers uncurl his hand, softly stroking his palm. Without even looking in Bills direction Tom knew that Bill wanted him to calm down and start to act normal to not raise any suspicions. They couldn’t afford that.

“Tom please it’s important to Claudia. It’s our wedding day and I want her to have everything the way she wishes.”

A pleading look was edged across Georg’s face and Tom let out a sigh and nodded.

“Bill the same goes for you. Bring whomever you want, as long as you have someone to dance with. “

“I can dance with him,” Tom interjected before Bill could answer against better judgement.

A frown appeared on Georg’s face and he shook his head in disbelieve.

“Now you are being just silly on purpose. Of course you can’t dance with Bill. He is your brother, not your date. I get the feeling you are teasing me with this nonsense.”

Before Tom could react Bill laughed a false laugh, but Tom was probably the only one noticing the falseness.

“We are just teasing you. Of course we bring dates.” Bills wide smile charmed the G’s into nodding relieved and forgetting Tom’s weird behavior.

“Who are you going to bring, Bill?” Gustav asked curiously. “That guy Andreas maybe? I like him, he is fun to be around with.”

Tom could feel his whole body tense up and the volcano inside of him almost bursting. Bill had never told him about a guy named Andreas. Somehow he didn’t like the sound of it. If even the G’s had met him it couldn’t be one of Bills random hook ups.

“Who the fuck is Andreas?” Tom barked.

All eyes darted to him. The G’s looked confused and curious and Tom could see Bills eyes begging him to drop it and not cause a scene in front of their friends. A scene they had no way of explaining. Tom took a deep breath and withdrew his hand from Bills. Right now he didn’t feel like touching his brother at all.

“I’ll tell you later about him,” Bill answered lightly, dismissively waving with one hand.

“Guys, we are done with the song,” Bill announced proudly steering the conversation to secure ground. The next minutes were spent small talking about the song and wedding preparations. After half an hour they said their good byes with a promise to keep in touch.

//Their tears are filling up their glasses  
No expression, no expression  
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow  
No tomorrow, no tomorrow//

Bill could feel dread settle into his stomach and he barely made it through the call without losing his fake smile. He could practically feel the anger oozing out of Toms pores, his body tensed up besides Bill. After hearing about Andreas Tom had even withdrawn his hands and scooted over to get some space between him and Bill. Bill hated when Tom was angry at him, it made his eyes tear up and his heart beat faster even if he hadn’t done anything wrong.

“Tom…” Bill started but was cut off by Tom jumping up from the sofa putting his hands in the air.

“Stop. Just stop, Bill. I don’t want to hear it, I really don’t.”

With stomping feet Tom stormed out of the living room into his home office, smashing the door shut behind him. Some seconds Bill could just blink confused at Toms overreaction. If Tom had given him the chance he could have explained to him that Andreas was one of his friends. They never fooled around because Bill knew that Andreas had a crush on him and that he wouldn’t be able to return those feelings. Besides one kiss a summer night when both had been drunk nothing ever happened between them.

Bill sighed, staring down at his folded hands. He was surprised by the jealous side Tom showed since they became lovers. Bill had never seen him like that. Back then when Tom dated in his teenage years Tom himself slept with a different girl every night, relieved if they hadn’t gotten attached to him. But now he seemed to be incredibly jealous and possessive of Bill. In a way Bill understood that these feelings emerged out of Tom’s fear of losing him again: the same fear that made Bill cry in Tom’s arms for no reason on several occasions.

Bill was upset by the fact that he had to leave as well. It almost ripped his heart out thinking about saying goodbye and flying back to France. But it was also true that he had a life there and things to take care of. He couldn’t just drop everything even if he wanted to.

He slowly got up, approaching Toms door with cautious steps. Tom had a really bad temper when he was angry and Bill wasn’t in the mood of being thrown out the room. Nevertheless he had to try to calm down his brother to talk to him. He took a deep breath before opening the door his hands frozen in mid gesture as Tom’s voice drifted to him.

“Go away, Bill. I don’t want to talk to you right now and I have lots to do.”

Tom’s voice sounded cold and annoyed, a sound that made Bills heart clench. He was glad that he hadn’t opened the door so that Tom couldn’t see the tears shining in his eyes. Bill scolded himself for being way too sensitive. Not knowing what he should do with himself he trotted back to the bedroom. The guest room was now mainly used as storage for all his things and they slept together in the master bedroom. Bill felt emotionally exhausted so he stripped down his clothes to curl up under the warm blanket to sleep. If Tom didn’t want to talk to him then he couldn’t do anything.

The king sized bed felt lonely and deserted without Toms strong arms around him. Bill squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to keep the thoughts at bay but they just attacked him with images and questions. If they had to be in a distance relationship with each other for a while they needed to trust each other and right now Bill couldn’t feel the tiniest bit trust from his brother. Toms jealousy made him assume the worst and it was hurting Bill.

Bill realized that there were so many obstacles in their way he had no idea how to get passed them. The fact that they lived thousands of miles apart complicated things as well as the issues coming from what happened the last five years. But on top of that they had to hide their relationship forever, not even the closest people could know. That meant being tortured year after year with questions about girlfriends and boyfriends and grandchildren.

That’s when Bill realized he never would be able to get a wedding, a thought that cut through him like a knife. He was a romantic soul and had always pictured himself taking those sacred vows. There was so much they never would be able to do: a Sunday walk in the park holding each other hands, a Christmas dinner thanking each other for the exchanged gifts with a kiss, partying with friends and dancing with each other until they were to turned on to continue.

All the things they couldn’t do piled up in front of Bill, tears running down his cheeks. Deep down Bill knew that he still would sacrifice all that if he could be with Tom. But it was a loss and for the first time Bill acknowledged the practical consequences of their relationship.

He would never be able to call his friends and be upset because Tom had been an idiot and just talk it over and get some advice. There wasn’t a single person in the universe that he could talk to if times got rough. It was an unsettling and upsetting thought.

“I am sorry,” Toms voice made Bill almost jump out of his skin.

Bills heartbeat picked up and he could just sit there for a moment unable to answer. He hadn’t been that startled in years and he didn’t like it one bit. He just sighed because he could think of nothing to say, his thoughts swirling and his heart aching.

In the darkness he could see Tom standing by the door, a silhouette of shadows. Bill forgave Tom because that’s what he always has done. He couldn’t change the way he felt about Tom, the deep need to be close to him and to feel him.

“I need to feel you, Tom. Right now, please!” Bill begged in a hoarse voice with a neediness that just emerged but already had taken over his whole body. If he couldn’t have all those things other couples had Bill would make sure that everytime he melted together with his twin counted. That it would be enough.

The dark figure that was his brother approached him slowly.

//And I find it kind of funny  
I find it kind of sad  
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had  
I find it hard to tell you,  
I find it hard to take  
When people run in circles it's a very, very  
Mad world, mad world//


	17. Chapter 17

//All my bags are packed,  
I'm ready to go,  
I'm standing here outside your door,  
I hate to wake you up to say good-bye.  
But the dawn is breaking,  
it's early morn,  
the taxi's waiting He's blowing his horn.  
Already I'm so lonesome I could die//

Tom and Bill made up that night. All the bottled up tension and emotions were translated into passionate touches and needy kisses. The three days that were left of Bills stay passed quickly between serious talks and heated embraces. Bill voiced some of the thoughts going through his head regarding all the things they never would be able to have. In the dark hours right before dawn the twins talked about their situation and what they had to sacrifice in order to be together.

Between all the sadness there were still glimpses of hope because they both agreed without hesitation that what they had was so precious it was worth all the sacrifice in the world. In the short two weeks they had been together their souls had once again bonded and not being together wasn’t an option anymore. Being together to them was like breathing, necessary even if it hurt sometimes.

They also managed to talk about their fears of losing each other. Tom broke down in Bills arms, sobbing like a child, finally letting go of all the emotions he had bottled up inside of him. Bill just held him tight, murmuring comforting and loving words. Tom needed to cry out and finally acknowledge his emotions or otherwise they would get the better of him. That’s why Bill let him cry until Tom’s body was shaking and the energy was drained from his body.

The morning of Bills departure dawned all too quickly. Heavy clouds blocked the sun from reaching the city and a grey and dim light had settled over the large buildings. Neither Bill nor Tom had slept that night, their eyes red from sleep deprivation. They had made love intensely until their bodies refused to comply; they were completely drained of all energy. Even then they kept on touching and kissing like they needed to imprint the way the other felt onto their memories.

Tom was standing in the kitchen, holding a black espresso mug in his hands. His hair was again put into a neat knot and he was already wearing a grey suit and a black shirt. Once in a while he glanced at the watch on his wrist, studying the movements of it because every second that passed was a second closer to saying goodbye to Bill.

He could hear his brother in the guest room, sheets rustled, a zipper was opened and closed and something landed on the floor with a thud. Bill had spent the previous evening with packing. He realized halfway through that he needed to borrow two suitcases from Tom because his wouldn’t suffice. Bill had bought more stuff than he actually was aware of. Now it sounded like he was packing the last things into his hand luggage. 

Tom had made sure to buy Bills favorite magazines so that he had something to read on the plane. A bottle of water stood on the counter waiting to be packed as well, alongside several snacks, neatly bagged by his housekeeper.

Tom knew that Bill hated airplane food, even if he traveled first class. So Tom had asked his housekeeper to prepare some snacks that Bill could take with him on his trip.  
Just the thought that in a few hours there would be whole oceans between them made Tom feel hollow, like his heart had been ripped out. Right now he would give up everything to make Bill stay or go with him. But as much as he wanted it there was nothing he could do to prevent their upcoming separation. It was four weeks until the wedding and it seemed like an eternity when Tom couldn’t even imagine being one night without Bill.

Tom looked up when Bill entered the living room, dragging two suitcases behind him. A black leather jacket was thrown over his right arm. Big sunglasses sat on top of his tousled hair. Tom wondered for a moment why he would need those given the grey and gloomy day outside. But he didn’t comment on it, figuring that Bill maybe wore them for fashion reasons.

“I am ready, everything is packed.”

Bill approached Tom, smiling a strained smile that never reached his eyes.  
“Here are your snacks,” Tom handed over the white zipper bag containing a selection of Bills favorite snacks including skittles and Oreos.

Bill took them gingerly, packing everything into his big Dior bag that served as his hand luggage for the upcoming flight. In there were also his laptop and several fashion magazines and of course his phone and headphones. It looked like he had everything ready to endure the long hours of the flight back to France.

Tom glanced at his watch again, aware that they had to leave soon. The traffic in New York was unreliable and you could never know if you would end up stuck in a traffic jam. He didn’t want Bill to miss his flight or yes he wanted him to miss the flight but that would just mean he would be booked into another one.

Tom took a deep breath before he closed the distance to his brother with a few steps. He took the bag from his brother’s shoulder, letting it glide to the floor. Tom placed his hands on Bills shoulders almost being able to feel the warmth of his skin through the thin cotton shirt he was wearing.

“I guess this is goodbye,” Tom whispered, all of a sudden not sure that his voice would bear.

An expression so filled with pain emerged in the depths of Bills eyes that Tom had to gasp for air. Tom could see Bills eyes become shiny with unshed tears and he caressed the delicate skin under them with his index finger. Tom leaned forward to embrace Bill in a hug, kissing the perfectly shaped shell of his ear.

“I know we have some time left at the airport. But I wanted to give you a proper goodbye, one I can’t give you at the airport,” Tom whispered almost inaudible into Bills ear.

Tom had decided to give Bill one last kiss. It had to be one because he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to let Bill go if there would be more. Tom could feel Bill clinging to him desperately and it felt like his insides were shredded into pieces. How could he let the one person go he loved more than anything else in the entire world?

Tom looked Bill into his pain filled eyes and he took the time to once again admire how beautiful Bill was. He could stare at him for hours, just watching that angelic beauty. Tom brushed one finger against Bills bottom lip, feeling the velvety smoothness. Bills lips never were chapped or dry; they were always perfect, always so sinful and kissable. Tom felt thankful that he was the one who got to kiss those lips from now on until the end of time.

Tom leaned forward capturing those perfect lips in a last goodbye kiss. Tom caressed Bills lips with the tip of his tongue until he felt his brother’s body shaking against him. Their tongues met tenderly and Tom relished Bills taste in his mouth. If he had to choose one taste he had to taste the rest of his life it would be the sweetness of Bills mouth. Before the kiss could deepen Tom drew himself back knowing he wouldn’t have the strength to let go of Bill if he continued.

“I love you, I always have and I always will. Please never forget that.”

Tom pressed his lips onto each other, his hands curled into tight fists in an effort not to cry. He closed his eyes as his brother’s slender fingers caressed his cheeks.

“I love you too, Tomi. And I could never forget it, you are my life.”

Tom nodded, his body tensed up in an effort to keep the attacking emotions at bay. It was a battle he was bound to loose and with a heartbreaking sob he drew Bill back into his embrace, burying his face into Bills hair that smelled like strawberries. Bill cried out his name in agony and Tom could feel his brother’s tears wet his shirt. The twins stood in the middle of the living room with suitcases and bags around them crying into each other’s arms.

//So kiss me and smile for me,  
tell me that you'll wait for me,  
hold me like you'll never let me go.  
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane,  
don't know when I'll be back again.  
Oh, babe, I hate to go//

Once the twins had dried their tears and made it down to the garage it was about time they got going. The friendly portiere helped them stuffing Bills baggage into Toms city jeep. He noticed the red and poufy eyes of the brothers and wondered briefly what was going on. But then he chased the thoughts away because it was none of his business. He gave a small wave as the twins drove off.

While Tom navigated through traffic with a stoic expression edged into his features Bills thoughts went into a loop, chasing each other between “I can’t leave him” and “I have to leave”. Bills hands were ice cold and he shivered in his thin leather jacket. The warmth of the late summer had left New York and a cold wind swept through Manhattan, a greeting from the upcoming autumn. Bill felt his heart beat painfully fast, like he was running instead of sitting in a car. With every mile they got closer to the airport the thumps of his heart got more painful. A headache had taken residence behind his eyes and despite the dim light he put his sunglasses on.

When they finally arrived at the airport the energy buzzing in the air felt so odd in contrast to Bills feelings of hollow numbness. Flights were announced over the speakers and people were chatting loudly. Others were running to catch their flights, Babies were crying and toddlers squealing. A brief moment Bill just stood there taking the scenery in. He could feel Tom tug on his arm to get his attention and as he looked up he could see Tom point to one of the business class check in counters. 

In opposite of the crowded economy counters the business class check in was almost empty and the employee sitting behind the counter looked a little bored as he slowly typed something into his computer. He looked up and gave Bill a superficial smile as he handed over his ticket and passport. Tom lifted his bags on to the scale and Bills eyes lingered on it until the baggage had disappeared.

Bill got the information for his gate and was advised to go through security right away because a large crowd was already gathering in line. Bill couldn’t stall much if he wanted to make it to his flight in time. Suddenly Bill felt overwhelmed and he froze in the spot until he could feel Tom’s arms around his waist steering in the direction of the security check. Bill felt like he was running on autopilot, he couldn’t even mind Tom’s way of holding him so unbrotherly in public.

It was like being underwater, all things reached Bill just muffled. Like being glued to the same spot, running but never going anywhere.  
The line had grown additionally when they finally reached security. Bill could feel Tom’s eyes on him but he hadn’t the strength to meet them. He was convinced that if he would look at Tom he wouldn’t be able to move forward. So instead he focused his eyes on the back of a chubby man, clad in an unflattering hawai shirt with hair sticking out on his back. It was kind of gross to stare at the sweat that gathered at the guy’s neck but it also was an anchor to reality, helping Bill not to freak out.

Bill tried to convince himself that people did this all the time, went somewhere without their loved ones. It was a natural thing, it wasn’t a big deal. Even distance relationships were more common that one would think. But all those efforts of his logic couldn’t make the agony go away. For Bill it was pure agony to leave Tom. He had not the slightest idea how other people did it but leaving Tom felt like his heart was being caved out with a blunt knife. He could feel Tom’s big hand on the small of his back, applying minimal pressure when it was time to move forward. Bill was so out of it he looked startled up at the man in uniform, holding out a hand demandingly. They had reached the end of the line and it was Bills turn to go through security. As his passport and ticket got an approving nod the uniformed guy put up a hand as Bill was about to drag Tom trough the entrance.

“Sorry just passengers allowed past this point.” He said knowingly. People watched far too much tv, thinking that they could bring their loved ones to the gate like in the movies. But reality was that only passengers were allowed to move past security.

“What?” Bills eyes widened in horror. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Tom yet he just couldn’t. 

Bill could feel the tears rising, flooding his eyes; his breathing got shallow and quick. His hands shook so badly he almost dropped his passport. He could feel the pitying eyes of the airport employee on him and logically he knew that he had to get his shit together but his body just wouldn’t comply. Bill realized that he was having a panic attack, his airways slowly closing up making it impossible to breath.

“Calm down Bill,” Tom said with a reassuring voice. Bill could hear Tom’s words but he just couldn’t react, stood frozen at the spot hyperventilating and getting angry glances from the people in the line behind.

“I am sorry officer, “Tom said in his business voice. “We are just going to need a minute, we clear the line.”

Bill got almost dragged away from the cue and in directions of the toilets. In a dark corner, shielded by a pillar and some cleaning supplies they stopped. Bills whole body was trembling badly and he still had trouble breathing although it got a little better once they left the security check point.

Tom looked around as if he tried to find someone. For a moment he wondered if Tom was looking for someone who might know them. But Bill didn’t care the slightest if someone saw them and flung himself at his brother, arms tightly crossed around Tom’s neck. Bill buried his head in the crack of Tom’s neck inhaling the familiar scent. His breathing calmed down and his heart resumed a normal pace. He could feel Tom’s hands settling on his hip, holding him pressed to his own body. Bill knew that they were too emotional and they took to many risks, any minute someone could walk by and wonder why exactly the Kaulitz twins were engaged in a passionate embrace.

Knowing all this didn’t make it easier to let go of his brother but after a couple of minutes he did.

“I am sorry,” Bill mumbled slightly embarrassed over the scene he just caused.

“Do you want to….” Tom took a deep breath “…stay?”

Bill locked his eyes with Toms wishing nothing more that he could stay with this wonderful man forever. They laced their fingers together and the realization hit Bill that they would be able to make this work simply because there wasn’t an alternative. Both his body and his soul depended on Tom; he had never felt so in love with anybody in his entire life.

Tom was his big brother, the knight in shining armor, his soulmate, best friend and passionate lover. He couldn’t be whole without his twin right by his side.

“I can’t. But I want to come back with you after the wedding. For good. I can’t be apart from you I just can’t. I don’t care about anything else if I can’t be with you its worthless anyway. “

Bill blurted out without even breathing. Right at this moment, in a dark corner of the busy airport surrounded by an abandoned cleaning tray and shielded from the eyes of others by a grey concrete pillar Bill had made the decision to dedicate his life to the pretty man holding him in a tight embrace. It wasn’t the most romantic of settings but Bill had never been more serious.

He could see Toms eyes get shiny and relief relaxed his tensed features. Tom leaned down to capture Bills lips in a kiss and even though Bill new they shouldn’t do that in public he couldn’t do anything else than melt into the embrace. It was then he realized that he would die for Tom without even hesitating and warmth radiated from his heart as he looked into his brothers eyes knowing that he had just thought the exact same thing.

All of a sudden Bill could feel a calmness inside of him that stood in big contrast to his panic attack earlier. He knew now that they had to be apart for four weeks, which was an eternity but still something they could manage if they talked on the phone every day. Bill needed those weeks to take care of everything: sell his apartment and terminate some business deals.

“Do you want to go back to security? I think you’ll miss your flight if you don’t.”

Tom looked like he hated to be the one to send Bill away but he needed to do it for his brother. Bill nodded and with hands still entwined they made their way back to the security cue.

 

//There's so many times I've let you down  
So many times I've played around  
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing  
Ev'ry place I go, I'll think of you  
Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for you  
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring//


	18. Chapter 18

//How can you see into my eyes, like open doors  
Leading you down into my core  
Where I've become so numb, without a soul  
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold  
Until you find it there and lead it back home//

 

The day Tom had dropped off Bill at the airport was a blur in his memory. He went to work afterwards but he wasn’t sure he got anything done. Tom had been so wrapped up in his pain that it was hard to even focus on the simplest of tasks. Tom had gone back to barely sleeping, without the warmth and comfort of his brother’s body besides him. He woke up every hour, looking around searching for Bill just to remember that he wasn’t there.

Tom forced himself however to get his shit together at least at work. He cared far too much about the success of his company than let everything slide because he was an emotional wreck. When he buried himself in his office behind stacks of papers he reminded himself that from now on he would provide for both him and Bill. It was a thought that made him truly happy. Both parts of him, the big brother and the protective lover, felt content that he would be able to take care of Bill.

The days slowly slipped into some kind of routine. Tom went to work early to get as much things done as possible. He took a longer break over lunch, setting aside time to talk to Bill on the phone. Then the day went by fast with meetings and ended almost every day with a late take out dinner in his loft. During the day he texted as much with Bill as possible, talking about everything between heaven and earth. 

Boring meetings went by fast with his attention focused half on Bill and half on the meetings. He was pretty sure his employees and business partners detected a slight change to his behavior. Sometimes he got annoyed glances when he took out his phone. But he could always get away with the apology that he had so much to do, he had to do several things at the same time. None of them knew that when he supposedly answered work emails he was texting his little brother describing how exactly he planned on making him scream Toms name in pleasure next time they saw each other.

Georg had reminded him several times to think about who he wanted to bring as a date to the wedding. He still didn’t like the thought of it but figured that they had to make the best of the situation at hand. Bills reassurance that he would follow Tom back to the states for good had eased up his tension a little. Tom decided to ask one of his friends to be his date to the wedding. There were no former girlfriends he could ask given his record of one night stands. He had never bothered to get to know any of them.

Tom sighed and looked at his watch. It was about time he got going to meet his friend Eden for coffee. He hadn’t seen her in a while and had asked her if she would join him for a small coffee break. That wasn’t unusual for their relationship. Weeks could pass without them meeting at all and then they would meet up for dinner or coffee and it always felt like they just met the other day. It wasn’t easy to maintain friendships with his work schedule but Eden was one of the few people that actually understood his busy and work oriented life style.

He had met her on a party of one of his business associates. A party he dreaded to attend but nonetheless had to. The evening got much better when he found himself at the same table as the breathtakingly beautiful Eden. Soon he found out that the girl wasn’t just pretty but also one of the most interesting persons he had met in a while. She was a lawyer, specialized on international criminal law, and on her way of becoming one of the youngest partners at the prestigious law firm Goldstein & Andersson. Her record of winning her cases had already become legendary, a role model for law students, especially girls. It was no easy business, dominated by men and prestige. If you hadn’t the right name it was almost impossible to be employed at the finer law firms in the city. It was incestuous as she all too often pointed out to him.

She had worked her way into one of the fine law firms because she was determined, disciplined and very intelligent. She charmed people with her beauty and her kindness, to strike them with her intellect at the same time. Even the most annoying lawyers with their macho attitudes bowed their head to her because she simply was that good.

And behind all of this Eden was a kind person, fun to hang out with and a good listener. They had instantly bonded, sensing the same determination to succeed in the other. And they both loved a good horror movie. So they became friends but their relationship never evolved into something else. Partly because Tom cared too much about her to destroy their friendship for a one night stand. Even if she was the perfect girlfriend in Toms opinion he just wasn’t able to develop deeper romantic feelings for someone else than Bill. She deserved so much better than the broken pieces of himself he had to offer.

Tom took his phone and made his way to the coffee bar down the street. He greeted the reception staff with a friendly nod and a wave. The coffee bar was crowded as always. Men in expensive business suits waited in line, typing frenetically into their phones or pressing their phones to their ears talking in a low neutral voice. Tom looked around and spotted Eden right away, standing out from the people around with her Asian beauty amongst all the white middle aged man crowding the place. 

Tom noticed that she already had bought two cups of coffee and claimed a large table despite the fact that they were just two people. He could see that she gave everyone approaching to ask for a chair a piercing look that made them flee the scene without uttering a word. Tom had never seen her in court but somehow he got the feeling that this look could make the most blown up lawyers piss themselves. It was so typical for her and one of the reason why he really liked her.

“Soooo….,” she said eyeing him from head to toe as he approached the table “…you look different.”

Tom just raised his eyebrows, he hadn’t changed his looks, his hair was in his knot again and he wore his signature suits. He just shrugged at her comment not knowing what exactly she was referring to.

“It’s your eyes. You don’t look haunted anymore.” She tilted her head and smiled.

“Hmmm,” he replied while sliding down into one of the comfortable chairs.

“Haven’t seen you in a while. Whats new? I mean besides that you bought those two record companies, that gossip is all over town.”

Tom nodded and smiled. Manhattans business world was after all not very big and he wasn’t surprised that his purchase had already been talked about.

“Yeah well if we leave business, I have some other more private news.”

Tom cupped his hands around his mug, happy to have something to hold on to. He felt oddly nervous talking about Bill even to one of his closest friends. He had always kept all details about his former life and his family out of their conversations.

“You know I have a twin brother, right?”

“The one you don’t talk to?” She nodded, curiosity shown in her eyes.

“Yes ähm well he has been here in New York the last couple of weeks. That’s why I have been more absent than usual. We kind of repaired our relationship.”

Eden leaned closer and peeked around him like she expected Bill to jump out behind him any minute.

“That’s interesting,” she said, one of her eyebrows rose in an unspoken question. Tom knew that he she wouldn’t pressure him to tell more that he was comfortable with, she never did.

“We had difficulties in the past but we talked and everything is fine between us now.”

Tom knew that his explanation was lacking details but he couldn’t tell her much more without touching sensitive subjects. So he hoped that she would accept his explanation.

“Do I get to meet him some time?” Eden looked curious and Tom could tell that a hundreds of questions run through her mind but she decided not to ask them. Not yet anyways.

“Yes. That’s the thing why I asked you to meet me. In a couple of weeks Georg, you know my best friend, gets married and I am going to be his bestman. All of us need to bring a date to the wedding and I wanted to ask you if you would care to join me? It’s in Germany though.”

Tom looked at Eden all of a sudden a bit nervous. She was a busy women, with days as full with appointments as his and it might not be possible for her to follow him to Germany for a couple of days.

“Hmm,” she took a sip from her coffee, her forehead wrinkled in concentration. “Which date is it?”

Tom scribbled down the details of the flights he was going to take to Germany on a napkin and she took out her phone, silently typing and probably checking her work schedule.

“I have some meetings but I think I can get my colleague to cover those. It’s tempting I haven’t been to Germany since I lived there as an exchange student.”

One of the reasons why Tom asked her besides that she was a close friend was that she was almost fluent in German. During law school she studied German as well and spent a year in Germany to perfect her language skills. Tom found it really fascinating that besides being a talented lawyer Eden also had a ear for languages. One evening over a glass of delicious red wine she had told him that her real passion was writing. She even had published some of her work, a short story and some poems.   
Tom had been utterly fascinated and read her work the same evening. Tom wasn’t a reader but even he could tell how good she was. 

Tom smiled and his glance wandered through the window following a bike messenger zick sacking through the traffic, a heavy looking backpack on his shoulders.

“There will be plenty of good food,” Tom tried to make the offer sound even more tempting. He knew her weakness for good pastries, cakes and cookies.

“And I get to meet your brother, right? What’s his name?”

“Bill.” As Tom told his brother’s name he couldn’t help himself but smile like an idiot. It seemed he had suddenly turned into a teenage girl that blushed and giggled at the mention of her crushes name. But he just couldn’t do anything to stop it and by the time the name was said he looked like he had taken some happy pills.

“He is the reason you don’t look haunted anymore. He makes you happy.”

It wasn’t a question but a statement and Tom silently cursed himself for not being more on his watch. He knew that she was a brilliant observer; it wasn’t surprising she had figured that out in the matter of minutes. Tom almost hoped she’d say no to his offer suddenly nervous how he was supposed to hide his feelings for Bill.

“Can you email me the details? I would love to come and meet this mystery brother of yours.”

She laughed a little, always intrigued by new people and things she didn’t know.

“Do you guys look alike?” She asked curiously, her perfectly manicured nails tapping at the surface of the table.

“Yes, we have different styles, but we are the same.” Tom realized only a moment later his unusual way of phrasing it. But that’s what he always thought tracing the lines of Bills face with his fingertips. They were the same, one soul. Suddenly he missed Bill so much he almost couldn’t breathe. Absent mindedly he wondered what Bill was doing right now.

//Wake me up, wake me up inside I can't wake up,  
Wake me up inside, save me,  
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up  
Bid my blood to run, I can't wake up  
Before I come undone, save me  
Save me from the nothing I've become//

”No mum I don’t think it’s a hasty decision!” Bill exclaimed, clutching his phone angrily in his hands.

Bill had called his mum to let her know about the fact the he was moving to the States. Naturally he hadn’t told her the real reason but made up a story about a contract with a clothing brand that would buy his own fashion line. So he told her he was moving to the states to work on his dream. It was just a white lie because he really planned on hiring a studio and finally get started on designing clothes because he now was able to do it because of the money he got from Tom.

Somehow he had thought that his mother would be happy for him but right now she was criticizing his decision.

“I don’t think there will be a problem with me living at Toms until I find my own place. He is never really there anyways, spending all his time at the company. We will rarely see each other and besides we are ok now.”

Bill carded his hands trough his unstyled and tousled hair, sighing at yet another white lie. His mother voiced concerns that it wasn’t such a good idea to move in with Tom given the fact that they just recently started to talk again.

Bill listened another ten minutes to his mothers ranting before he finally got enough and flipped her off. He made it clear that it was his life and if he needed opinions on it he would ask. He hadn’t been that rude to his mother since he was a teenager.

Bill looked around his apartment for a minute, trying to fight off the stab of guilt he felt about talking rudely to his mother. His things were already packed in boxes; suitcases were standing lined up in the hallway. It wasn’t long until the wedding and his move to the states.

Bill would send his belongings ahead to the states in an oversea container in a couple of days, just taking his suitcases with him to Germany. He had already sold his apartment and he felt bittersweet about leaving. Tom had told him to keep the apartment, but Bill had declined the offer. After so many nights had been spend there hurting himself. He couldn’t stand the thought of bringing Tom here.

Bill sat down Indian style on his sofa, his laptop in front of him. He needed to book a hotel for him and Tom in Berlin for the wedding. Both their mum and Georg had offered that they could stay at their houses but after talking to Tom they had decided against it. By the time of the wedding they hadn’t seen each other for four weeks, they certainly didn’t want spending their first night together at someone else’s home being forced to sneak around and putting themselves at risk because they couldn’t keep their hands of each other.

Bill looked at the booking page of his favorite Hotel unsure if he should book one of two rooms. Of course they would just need one but he was a little jumpy about the fact that maybe their mum would pick them up one day at the hotel demanding to see both of their rooms. Bill rubbed his temple inwardly cursing that they always had to take such precautions. With several clicks he booked the romantic suite and one single room. If it came to it his mum wouldn’t be surprised to find Tom in the luxury suite.

Bill had hoped that they would be able to meet up one day before the wedding without anyone knowing but his plans hadn’t worked out because Tom had an important meeting the day before the wedding. He would just be able to fly in right on time for the wedding.

Thinking about the wedding Bill reminded himself to ask Andreas if he would care to join him. He typed a hasty email and sent it away. Bill was pretty sure Andreas would be able to free some time because he was an artist, just doing freelance work and hadn’t a tight schedule. Bill chose his words carefully, asking for company to Georg’s wedding, not for a date. He was pretty sure that Andres still held a little crush on him and it wouldn’t be fair to get his hopes up.

Bill glanced at his watched and flinched. He had to get ready for another photo shoot. It was the last one here in Paris before he headed to Germany. With the prospect of designing clothes in the near future his model jobs seemed all of a sudden dull and pointless. 

Bill shed his clothes and stepped into the shower. Warm water trickled down his back and all of a sudden he was reminded about one morning when Tom had surprised him in the shower. Bill could still feel Tom’s muscular body behind him and the wonderfully burning sensation when he had entered his body. Bill pressed his eyes shut, trying to fight away the images before his body could react to them. But the images had already caused him a throbbing arousal and he huffed between gritted teeth. Four weeks was way too much time to be apart from Tom. He wrapped his hands around himself, mirroring his brother’s hands on him that day in the shower. His release mingled with the water and the shower gel, all washed down the drain.

Bill wiped a silent tear from his eyes, already counting the minutes until Tom would call him. He felt so utterly lost without him and his heart clenched painfully as he realized that there were so many days to go until he could finally burry his head again at his brother’s broad shoulders. HHe

//Now that I know what I'm without  
You can't just leave me  
Breathe into me and make me real, bring me to life//


	19. Chapter 19

//You can reach me by railway  
You can reach me by trailway  
You can reach me on an airplane  
You can reach me with your mind.  
You can reach me by a caravan  
Cross the desert like an Arab man  
I don't care how you get here  
Just Get here if you can//

Tom sat relaxed in a soft business class airplane chair and looked over the clouds that looked like mountains of cotton candy. His hands fidgeted with a guitar magazine without even looking at it. He felt restless while his company was sound asleep in her seat. In the beginning of the flight they had made some conversation but after a while Eden had tucked herself under one of the complimentary blankets and fallen asleep. Tom was tired as well but couldn’t calm himself down enough to actually succumb to sleep. So many thoughts chased each other inside his mind.

As usual he thought about Bill as he absent mindedly ordered a whisky from the passing stewardess. The four weeks without him had seemed like an eternity and he was so eager to finally embrace his brother that jolts of energy swept through his body, preventing him from getting some sleep. The thought of their reunion was bittersweet because it meant also Tom had to face Bills date Andreas.  
In a casual conversation with Gustav he learned that Andreas wasn’t one of Bills usual hook ups, but a good friend who nonetheless seemed to have a crush on Bill. As Gustav put he didn’t think something was going on between them but he sure hoped Bill would finally realize that a man like Andreas was exactly what he needed. Tom gritted his teeth at that comment fighting the urge to tell Gustav off. After all his best friend didn’t know about them so why shouldn’t he comment on Bills love life. The conversation had left him rather nervous, knowing that Bills date would do everything to win Bills heart. He knew that because he certainly would if he got the chance to be on a wedding, the most romantic of settings, with the person he had a crush on.

Tom had no idea how he was supposed to react if that guy started flirting with his Bill. The thought of it made anger rise inside of him. He hoped that he would be able to hold his shit together. He didn’t want to ruin Georg’s wedding with drama. He couldn’t forget about the fact that he brought a date to the wedding as well; someone who luckily hadn’t a crush on him but very sharp eyes and a quick working mind. Tom needed to make sure that his relationship to Bill stayed hidden. He couldn’t even imagine the consequences if their relationship would be discovered.

Tom hated to not be in control and at this wedding only little things were left to his own planning. He had to rely on that they would make it through the weekend without any incidents. Tom reached into his bag pulling out two flight tickets from Indian airways. Tom wouldn’t be Tom if he hadn’t thought of a backup plan. One night, lying lonely and desperate in his bed Tom forced himself to think through the possible worst case scenario. Even if it was painful he needed to do this to be prepared knowing that Bill wouldn’t think that far ahead.

Tom had pictured a scenario were in one way or another Bills and his relationship would be discovered. There would be shouting, disgust, shame and hatred directed at them. Maybe someone would feel forced to call the police. No matter what happened he had to make sure that no one could take Bill away from him. Should it come to the worst he would grab Bill, flee to the rental car and drive to the airport. They would go on board a flight leaving for India and never look back. Or at least he hoped that Bill would follow him. 

His fingertips traced the flight details, feeling a little more in control. In the same night Tom had thought about the other end of the spectrum. If everything went well they would go to their hotel suite together and he would be able to give Bill a little surprise. He could feel the weight of the little box in his right hand pocket.

“This is your captain speaking. We now start our approach on Berlin. We hope that you had a nice flight and we wish you a wonderful stay in the capital.”

Tom smiled as he noticed Eden had woken up and looked at him with curiosity. As unnoticeable as possible Tom led the flight tickets slide back into his bag, hoping Eden hadn’t noticed or assumed that it was their tickets he was holding.

“I am really looking forward to meet your family and friends,” she said stretching her arms while yawning.

Passing through security and getting their bags took forever and Tom silently cursed wondering why suddenly everyone traveled to Berlin. An impatient glare directed at the people in front of him they moved slowly to the exit. Tom had rented a car and they would drive directly to the hotel Bill had booked them on.

Bill had already been in the city for a couple of days, waiting for Tom. After knowing what floor their suite would be on, he had booked a comfortable room for Eden three floors down, narrowing down the possibility of her seeing Bill go to and from his room on odd times. As far as Tom knew Bill had made the same arrangements for Andreas.

Sudden exhaustion spread through his body thinking of how cautious they needed to be.

“Are you ok, you look a little pale?” Eden commented on his right side, her forehead wrinkled in a worried frown.

“I am ok, just tired you know. Don’t like these long flights, that’s all.” He smiled reassuringly, hoping that Eden wouldn’t question him further. She just nodded understanding and dropped the subject.

Not much conversation was made between the two of them as he picked up the rental car and had to sign a hundred of papers and a contract. It took much longer until they were finally on their way to the city as if he had taken the bus. A thing Eden as well had picked up on but approved of Tom’s explanation that he wanted them to be mobile during these couple of days. Maybe they even could make a trip into the country side. The city flew passed them almost unseen due to heavy traffic and rain splashing against the windows. Nonetheless Eden kept looking around curiously, trying to see as much of the city as possible. The hotel they were booked in was located in the center of Berlin, a tall and modern building with one of the best restaurants in town.

As they stopped in front of the building a portiere opened Eden’s door, carefully helping her out of the car. There was already staff ready to park their car and take their luggage to the room. Tom smiled at the wonderful service and led Eden inside the luxurious lobby. Tom was rummaging through his bag to find his booking number while entering the lobby. He looked down at the chaotic contents of his bag, trying to find a little piece of paper between his phones, a Mcbook and several magazines. Before he could locate it Eden tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

“What is it?” he looked back at her, seeing curiosity shine in her eyes. She pointed at the far corner of the lobby.

“There is a guy staring at us.”

Tom turned, directing his gaze at the pointed location, gasping for air as his eyes fell on a familiar slender figure. Chestnut brown eyes stared at him, starting a fire in his belly spreading through his whole body. Everything else tuned out: the lobby, Eden’s questioning eyes, the guy besides Bill talking to him and the other guests at the reception. Tom’s feet were pulled almost automatically towards Bill, his eyes glistening and his face lit up in a wide smile. Joy spread through his veins as he was seconds away from finally getting to hug Bill again.

Only two steps away from Bill he haltered in his steps as he looked down at Bills extended hand. For a moment Tom’s brain didn’t connect and he stared blankly down at the delicate hand in front of him. It felt like a wall of bricks was crumbling down on him as he realized that Bill wanted him to shake his hand. A part of him did understand why Bill reacted the way he did but deep down he felt hurt. He had imagined the first time he saw Bill after all those weeks so differently. With a heavy heart he took Bills hand into his own, his eyes still glued to the floor. As he slowly lifted his gaze to Bills face Bills eyes melted into his own and in them he saw all the things they couldn’t say right now.

“Hi you,” Tom said, his greeting almost inaudible. He was still holding Bills hand, cautiously stroking over the knuckles.

“Hi big brother,” Bill replied, a twinkle in his eyes that only Tom could see.

By the time they had exchanged their greetings both Eden and Andreas had caught up to them. More greetings and presentations were made.

Tom gave the silent boy besides Bill a quick once over. Slim body, blond hair and nice face. He wasn’t insanely attractive, looked more like the boy next door. Tom felt a little better as he realized that he was better looking than Bills date. Even if that thought made him vain it eased some of the tension inside of him. But if Andreas had been deadly gorgeous he might had gotten the urge to punch him in the face there and then. As the little group made small talk to get to know each other Tom found himself distracted by the way Andreas kept touching Bill during the conversation. It was small touches on the arm and on the shoulder but they displayed an intimacy Tom didn’t like at all.

Tom’s body tensed as he tried to fight the jealousy threatening to get the better of him. Just the fact that this boy got to touch his Bill while he had to stand on the side like an idiot not being able to hug him and kiss him like he wanted to. Tom could feel Bill looking at him and seemed like their twin bond was still working because Bill excused himself for going to the bathroom. In the matter of seconds Tom was behind him, hoping their departure didn’t seem too odd.

Once inside the bathrooms with the marble counters and oak doors Tom checked the three booths. Every one of them was empty so Tom grabbed Bills wrist, practically dragging him onto one of them, closing the door shut behind them. He could see his brother’s chest rise in shallow breaths and he felt sorry for the way he had manhandled Bill.

“Oh baby,” he murmured, finally pressing against Bills body trapped against the door. Moist and parted soft lips invited Tom to a delicate kiss, sucking Bills lower lip between his own. For minutes Tom didn’t feel anything else but Bill, bathing in Bills taste, smell and sounds.

Finally they broke the kiss, panting and wide eyed. They knew that they had to go back but the intimacy of their booth acted like a sanctuary for them. Whispered words about love and passion were said and heated kisses exchanged. When they finally could get themselves to leave they looked at each other with amusement. How on earth should they explain the fact that they both looked like someone had snogged them passionately?

Finally they decided to leave the bathroom separately. Tom headed to the reception immediately, hoping that the additional minutes it would cost him to check in would ease the flush on his cheeks and the bulge in his pants. Tom got a set of keys to the suite and Eden’s room and he headed back to the group. It seemed like Eden and Andreas had gotten off on a good start. They seemed to be engaged in a conversation with Andreas pointing outside of the giant glass windows.

“You look weird,” Eden pinpointed amused, her eyes traveling from his face to his hands.  
Bill arrived at the group in time to hear her last comment. He smiled his signature wide smile and chuckled.

“Maybe you should ask him what he did,” Bill laughed and grinned mischievous.

Pure shock froze Toms face in a wide-eyed expression. Before he could say anything Bill jumped in again whispering low like he let the others in on a secret.

“He vomited. It was disgusting. But he always gets like that after flying.”

Relief washed through Tom as his three companions laughed and a flush crept from his neck to his face. Right now he conjured up a million ways how he would make his brother pay for this. One more delicious than the other.

//You can reach me by sailboat  
Climb a tree and swing rope to rope  
Take a sled and slide down the slope  
Into these arms of mine  
You can jump on a speedy colt  
Cross the border in a blaze of hope  
I don't care how you get here  
Just Get here if you can//

Bills stomach still reeled when he thought about how close they had gotten to be in a situation that was very compromising. He had seen how Tom froze up at the question and knew that they were screwed if he couldn’t come up with something immediately. That way of diverting question still sat in his bones after years and years of fame. A fake smile and a little charm and the people tended to believe every bullshit he told them. As he made his way to his room to drop off his things he was sure that this would be a long exhausting weekend.

Bill hadn’t missed the evaluating glance Tom had given Andreas. Neither the menacing look Tom had gotten when Andreas innocently touched his arm. Bill sighed and wished that Tom wouldn’t be that jealous. In a way he felt flattered and even liked the rough passiveness his brother showed once in a while. It just wasn’t fun anymore if it got them into trouble.

Bill was supposed to drop off his things and then go over to Toms. Later all of them would meet up with Gustav and his wife for dinner. They wouldn’t meet Georg until tomorrow, the day of the wedding. Bill felt a little jumpy thinking about the song they would perform. He really hoped the wedded couple would like it. He had put a lot of effort into it.  
Bill slid the keycard and got access to his single room. It was a tiny room, with one bed, a nightstand and a bathroom. Bill looked around happy that he wouldn’t have to sleep there and felt a little sorry for Andreas who had a similar room two floors up. Bill just left two of the suitcases in his room and took the third with him. 

He was about to leave at once when he changed his mind. Suddenly he felt a little giddy thinking about Tom waiting for him in the suite. They would have hours before anyone requested their presence. Bill and Andreas had spent almost the entire day shopping and strolling along the Berlin streets. Bill felt sweaty and dusty, not a condition he wanted to Tom to find him in. So he decided on a quick shower to freshen up. Bill reminded himself to use the strawberry shampoo that Tom liked so much. He had never said anything but Bill could tell by the way Tom always buried his nose in Bills hair, inhaling deeply and sighing satisfied.

Half an hour later Bill dragged his heavy suitcase down the hallway to Tom’s suite. The rolls almost didn’t make a sound on the plush purple carpet. Bill noted how the scenery had changed now that he approached the luxury part of the hotel. Paintings lit up the sterile walls and a scent of vanilla welcomed him as the elevator doors slid open. Bill noted the difference between his hallways and this one but he wasn’t surprise. After all the suite cost almost five times as much as the regular single room.

Bill stopped in front of Tom’s door and knocked lightly. As he got no answer he called his brother’s name a couple of times in a low voice followed by a heavier knock. After a minute standing and waiting Bill decided to use the spare key card Tom had slipped into his hand earlier and let himself in. Bill looked around in astonishment, admiring the luxury and space of the suite. There was a giant bed, sprinkled with rose paddles. Champagne stood on a bedside table in a cooler. An enormous fruit basket decorated a coffee table and a cream white sofa stretched almost all the way through the room. Bill peeked around the corner locating the bathroom from where he heard the sprinkling of water and his brother humming in a low tune.

Bill smiled to himself hearing his brother relaxed like that and took a seat on the couch to wait for him. It didn’t take long for Tom to enter the room, completely naked, rubbing his head with a white cotton towel. For a moment Bill couldn’t do anything but stare at the gorgeous body displayed in front of him. His heart thudded in his chest and his palms got sweaty all of a sudden. He hadn’t seen Tom for four weeks and the longing to touch him became so strong that he leaped from the sofa, closing the distance between him and Tom.

Bill touched Toms back and made him almost jump out of his skin. He hadn’t noticed Bills presence in the room and look startled and wide eyed at his brothers until his heartbeat calmed down.

“God Bill I almost pissed myself,” Tom chuckled and shook his head. Bill grinned at Tom’s words, almost too distracted to reply properly. His gaze wandered down Tom’s naked body, fixating at Tom’s groin.

“Sorry,” Bill mumbled while putting his hands to Tom’s chest, slowly bowing his head to reach the nape of Tom’s neck. Placing small kitten licks on Tom’s neck and shoulders Bill tasted the fresh scent of Toms shower gel. He couldn’t hold himself and sucked the sensitive skin into his mouth, leaving a blueish hickey on Tom’s shoulder blades. It was a silly thing but it made him feel good seeing the traces of his love on Tom’s body.

Bill licked all the way down to Tom’s prominent erection, smiling at him mischievously. With one swift move he grabbed Toms cock, steering the sensitive head into the heat of his mouth. Tom moaning his name and the sounds of licking and sucking was the only thing that was heard for a while.

An hour later the twins were curled up on the giant bed, under a soft blanket. Tom spooned Bill from behind, embracing him entirely and holding him tight to his chest. Bill could feel the small poofs of air whenever Tom spoke and he relished the feeling of Toms callused hands on the sensitive skin of his hips. Bill was completely drained from all energy, his body felt heavy and light at the same time. After Tom came down his throat he carried Bill to the bed kissing and touching his entire body. Tom slowly stroke Bill towards his climax, making Bill scream Toms name in pleasure as his fingers entered Bills body.

“I love you, Tomi!” Bill said with force, like he needed to convince Tom.

“Now nothing can separate us. From now on we gonna spend every day together.” Tom sighed content as he held Bill in a firm grip. 

//There are hills and mountains between us  
Always something to get over  
If I had my way, surely you would be closer  
I need you closer  
You can windsurf into my life  
Take me up on a carpet ride  
You can make it in a big balloon  
But you better make it soon//


	20. Chapter 20

//And all I am is a man  
I want the world in my hands  
I hate the beach  
But I stand in California with my toes in the sand  
Use the sleeves on my sweater  
Lets have an adventure  
Head in the clouds but my gravity centered  
Touch my neck and I'll touch yours  
You in those little high waisted shorts//

The morning of the weeding dawned with an almost otherworldly light that held the promise of sunny day and a clear blue sky. The sun filtered through the thin white curtains, illuminating the bed and the brothers sleeping in it. It took not to long until Tom stirred in his sleep, unconsciously disturbed by the brightness of the morning. The warmth around him dragged him back to sleep a couple of times but then he opened his eyes, yawning.

Tom let his gaze wander through the room, over to the table with the champagne glasses and the leftovers from their late night snack. After dinner, the twins spend hours talking, kissing and making love. The activities made them hungry so they ordered a haphazard variation of different dishes amongst them cheezy fries, pancakes and slices of pizza. They had eaten almost all of it sitting Indian style on the floor, with their naked feet touching. Tom smiled as he recalled the evening and the night. Over and over again he had made love to Bill; almost as if he was trying to erase the days they were forced to spend apart.

Toms glance wandered over to his sleeping brother. His long eyelashes fanned out on his cheek and red lips still a bit swollen after the extensive kissing. Bill was naked, his pink nipples like hard nubs indicating that the air was a bit chilly. Tom grabbed the blanket that had bundled up around Bills waste and covered his chest. As Tom looked down at Bill he knew that the deep love he held for Bill was the very foundation of his own being. Without him he was just an empty shell.

Cautiously Tom kissed his brother on the cheek, wanting him to wake up slowly to get ready for the wedding. Even though Tom’s whole body ached from their nightly activities he still wished they had the time to spend another hour in bed. Tom sighed as he shed of the blanket and put his feet on the soft carpet. Truth to be told their bodies needed some rest and he definitely needed a shower. After their last passionate encounter for the night he had almost collapsed on top of Bill, immediately falling asleep without bothering to wash up. Now he felt sticky and sweaty even though he didn’t mind to have Bills bodily fluids on him. It was just a part of the person he loved.

Tom made his way to the shower, yelling over his shoulder at Bill that they needed to get ready. He could see that his brother had one eye cracked open, looking like it was the biggest offence in human history that he had to get up at 8 am. Sleeping in wasn’t an option, they would meet Georg at the store where they had bought the wedding clothes for the final fitting. After that they needed to pick up Claudia’s flowers, a thing the groom had to do according to tradition. They would get a light lunch before the ceremony started at 2 pm.

Tom’s tasks this day were easy: get Georg to show up in time, hold onto the rings and ease the groom’s nerves. Later he would perform Georg’s song together with Bill, but that felt more like Bills main task he was just accompanying him on the piano. The stage would once again belong to Bill and Tom looked very much forward to it. It was a beautiful song and Bills voice was wonderful.

Luckily this morning Tom didn’t have to worry about their dates since they weren’t part of the wedding entourage. They would meet up with them right before the traditional dance. At dinner Gustav’s wife and Andreas had offered to show Eden around the city. Tom knew she was in a good hands and he didn’t have to feel guilty for leaving her alone all day in a foreign country. Tom smirked realizing that Eden wasn’t a damsel in distress that needed saving. Between the two of them he would rather qualify for that position.

Tom stood in the spacious shower, enjoying the hot water and the fresh scent of his shower gel. Muffled sounds reached him indicating that Bill was rummaging through the room. The bathroom door was opened and closed with a thud. He could hear water and then the signature sound of someone brushing their teeth. Tom smiled at the fact the Bill had made it out of bed and a part of him wished he would join him in the shower. He chastised himself for just thinking with his dick and not with his brains. While shampooing his hair he wondered if there would come a time when he didn’t want to jump Bills bones all day long. He certainly didn’t hope so.

Two hours later after a pancake breakfast the twins headed to the store a couple of streets away from the Hotel. They would meet up with the others there. The storefront looked vacuous but Tom knew that behind the dull appearance hid one of Berlin’s best tailors for wedding clothes. They entered the store and a little bell chimed to welcome them. Tom could already spot Georg; sitting on a black leather sofa looking like he hadn’t slept at all. He was clad in sweatpants and a faded shirt, his hair looking like he had gotten an electric shock. Tom had to bite down his lip ring to avoid laughing as he exchanged a knowing glance with Bill.

“Hey mate, how are you doing?”

Georg looked up to them with an expression frozen between pure horror and anticipation.

“I feel sick,” he replied, burying his face in his slightly shaking hands.

“What on earth did you do with your hair, Georg?” Bill asked, pulling a little shocked at the brown tousled strands.

“Hmmm…don’t know,” Georg mumbled. 

The twins just smiled at the nervous wreck Georg was and greeted Gustav as he stepped out of one of the dressing rooms. The black suite made Gustav look elegant and sophisticated, with his hair sleek on his head. It wasn’t often one could spot Gustav without a cap or his beloved shorts. All the men would wear black suits with light blue shirts complementing the light blue bridesmaid’s dresses with black details. Georg was going to wear anthracite colored suit and an ivory shirt, the same color nuance as the brides dress. Tom as the best man wore additionally a pink flower in his buttonhole.

While the twin’s clothes were fitted Gustav managed to get Georg a bottle of beer to calm his nerves. Just one as he said sternly with a serious look on his face. Gustav being the reliable one of the bunch had gotten a bunch of rules from the bride; one was to keep Georg sober. After Georg’s outfit was done Bill spend half an hour fuzzing with Georg’s hair, making him look like a groom and not a mad professor. As Bill tried to persuade Georg to use some make up to hide his gloominess he was waved off by the others.

Bill just laughed and continued to pamper himself, applying a discrete line of eyeliner around his eyes. Tom watched Bill and felt the urge to go near him, just to feel the warmth of his body and smell his scent. Bill looked absolutely radiant in his outfit and it took Toms breath away. Tom smiled giddily realizing how head over heels and madly in love he was.

“Mh isn’t there some rule that says you shouldn’t look better than the bride?”

Tom breathed small poofs of air on Bills neck, knowing it would make his little brother shiver. Bill turned around and looked at him with wide eyes.

“Now I don’t follow. What do you mean?” Bill frowned and looked questioningly at Tom over his shoulder.

“I mean that you will be the most beautiful person in the room.” Tom whispered his words almost not audible, a mere movement of the lips. 

But he knew that Bill understood, the flush on his cheeks was proof of that. Their eyes locked in the mirror for a long moment before Tom strolled back to the sofa, joining Gustav to help Georg calm down. 

It seemed like the practical tasks ahead like picking up the flowers calmed Georg down a little, he even had gone back to be his funny self, making jokes about his friends looking like penguins. They all laughed at his comments indulging him at his special day. Tom felt a little sentimental as he looked at his friends, all gathered around a big table at a small and intimate restaurant eating pasta. He conjured up the image of them sitting together after a concert and he marveled at the fact how much they had changed. But underneath the change they were still the same four boys, best friends and family all at once. Tom considered himself lucky to have these kind and wonderful men in his life.

Tom snapped out of his sentiment when Bill showed his version of the duck song, looking incredibly goofy and cute at the same time. The G’s were already facing down on the table, laughing loudly while holding their bellies.

“That’s too cute,” Tom chuckled, his gaze on Bills funny hand movements and the way his hip jerked upwards. Nobody could disagree on the fact the Bill was the most awkward dancer.

“Cute?” Gustav shouted, shaking his head back and forth. “See Georg that’s true love. If you look at this dance and you find it in you to find the person doing it cute than you know what love is.”

Another round of giggles erupted from the G’s so that they missed the worried look the twins exchanged. Both relaxed after realizing that Gustav hadn’t meant anything by it.

//Oh, she knows what I think about  
And what I think about  
One love, two mouths  
One love, one house  
No shirts, no blouse  
Just us, you find out  
Nothing I really wanna tell you about no  
'Cause it's too cold whoa  
For you here  
And now, so let me hold whoa  
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater//

Bill looked down at hundreds of people, dressed in evening gowns with excitement edged onto their features. He was standing in church, at the end of the aisle. On his right side Gustav stood with folded hands and a serious look on his face. Across from them three bridesmaids stood with beautiful flower arrangements in their hands, looking lovely in their light blue dresses. By the altar stood Georg and besides him Tom holding a little midnight blue box containing the rings. As Bill glanced down the aisle he admired the white and pink roses scattered throughout the whole church.

Bill looked over to Georg who seemed to take a deep breath as the violinist started to play the couples song. Everyone in the church stood up, facing the bride. Goosebumps erupted over Bills body as he could see the look of pure joy and happiness on Georg’s face. As Bill faced the aisle he noticed hundreds of happy faces, eager to celebrate the love and the bond the couple was about to form.

Bill smiled at the bride, looking beautiful in an ivory lace dress holding pink flowers in her hands, her face covered with a sheer veil. As she was led down the aisle by her dad towards Georg Bills glance wandered automatically over to Tom. He swallowed around the lump in his throat contemplating that it must be a wonderful feeling seeing all these people gathered to celebrate the couples love and relationship. A hint of sadness tainted his smile as he realized that he and Tom would never be able to have that. Even if they could tell about their relationship all it would conjure was disgust. In a way it broke Bills heart to know that something so pure and right like his relationship with Tom was regarded dirty and wrong by the whole world.

Bill tried to catch Tom’s eyes, but Tom didn’t notice with his eyes glued to the minister and the couple making sure he wouldn’t miss his cue to hand over the rings. Bill could tell how proud Tom was to stand there besides his best friend witnessing the most important day in Georg’s life.

While the minister talked Bill let himself focus on his thoughts, imagining what it would feel like to walk down that aisle towards Tom knowing that just minutes later they would exchange those important vows. It was not logical that he wanted to marry Tom but he did. Sometimes Bill wondered if they both might me really fucked up, mentally ill because they felt for each other that way. But even if they were there was nothing he could do about it. It felt like if he could marry Tom it would mean that he totally belonged to Bill forever. They shared one soul, the same blood but for Bill that celebration of love and taking vows in front of their loved ones would be the culmination of their relationship.

Bill sighed and abandoned the thoughts, focusing on the kiss the couple exchanged before the whole church cheered and clapped hands. For a split second Bill caught Tom’s eyes, hoping he could transmit how much he loved him without saying anything. The wedding entourage followed the couple down the aisle and out in the sunshine and warmth of an early autumn. 

The wedding entourage was the first to congratulate the newly wedded couple, Bill hugging both Claudia and Georg in a tight embrace and whispered how happy he was for them. After that a long line of congratulants passed by, a lot of photos were taken and once in a while someone shouted “kiss! Kiss!” and the couple had to comply.

With the people standing in a loose circle waiting for their turn to speak to the couple Bill slowly made his way towards Tom, until he stood almost beside him with his chest pressed against Toms back. All eyes were focused on the newlyweds so Bill sneaked his hand into Tom’s bigger one, caressing the knuckles the way he always did. A little further away he could spot Eden and Andreas in the crowd, engaged in a conversation, laughing and smiling while they waited.

Bill let go of Toms hand as he realized that their mum was on her way to them. She smiled happily after hugging Georg who was like an extra son to her.

“There are my boys. Look at you: all handsome and elegant.”

Simone smiled proudly, the way only a mother can as she looked at her twin boys. They both hugged her and kissed her on the cheek, happy to see her.

“So tell me when do I get to meet your dates? It’s about time that you guys get into a serious relationship. You are not 18 anymore.”

Bill could feel Toms body tense against his own, feeling a stab of guilt and anger himself. He was so annoyed that his mother would bring that subject up every time. She was so eager to have grandchildren and a daughter-in-law.

“Mum you gonna meet them soon enough. And Andreas is just a friend, not my date.” Bill rolled his eyes at his mum who just laughed and went back to their stepfather.

“I wish she would just drop it!” Tom whispered angrily between gritted teeth. They had already enough on their plate without their mother breathing down their neck as well.

“You know she lectured me about moving in with you,” Bill told his brother, he had totally forgotten about that conversation until now.

Bill could see Tom ball his hands into fists and huff.

“What did you say?” Tom asked warily, knowing that their mothers’ opinion always meant a lot to Bill.

“I told her to fuck off and mind her own business. Well not in these exact words but that’s about it.”

Bill chuckled and allowed himself to rub soothing circles on Toms back; no one was paying attention to them anyways. He could feel Tom relax under the touch and he just hoped that it was enough to keep Toms jealousy down during the traditional dance with their dates. It would be a slow one as well which meant a lot of touching and close proximity.

An hour later the whole wedding party was gathered at the venue, standing in a circle around the stage and the dance floor. Tom and Bill had already taken their places on the stage, Tom behind a black piano and Bill facing the guests behind a mic. He felt a little jittery because he hadn’t sung in front of people in years. His leg bounced up and down and he writhed his hands. As the clock showed 4 o’clock he turned the mic on.

“Hello everyone,” Bill started to speak while Tom was playing soft low tunes on the piano to get the guests into the right mood. As Bills hands gripped the mic his professionalism took over and his nerves calmed in an instant.

“The song I am going to play is about true love. I wrote it for Georg and Claudia and Tom composited the music to it. Congratulations my lovely friends,” Bill added, bowed and smiled to the couple that had appeared on the side of the dancefloor.

After a deep breath and a reassuring look in Toms eyes Bill started to sing. Georg and Claudia started to dance to the slow song but most eyes focused on Bill, singing with an angelic voice and looking more beautiful than anyone in the room, at least according to Tom. 

No eye was left dry after Bill finished. An anxious moment he waited for the couples reaction, until Georg came running, jumping on to the stage and hugging Bill in a crushing embrace that made them tumble backwards. Both tumbled into Toms lap, dragging the surprise looking twin with them to the floor. They all laughed hysterically as they saw Gustav running towards the stage, throwing himself onto the pile of friends. All four of them lay on the stage, hugging, dunking backs and laughing. It was a reunion.

The wife’s of the G’s exchanged an equally mortified expression as they saw their husbands squeal and shout like they were 15 years old.

“Thank you!” Georg smiled from one ear to the other, revealing how truly happy he was. In a way his thanks extended from this wedding to all those years of friendship and trust, even the rougher ones.

As the four brushed their clothes of and tried to find some composure the G’s exchanged an meaningful look and Gustav nodded.

“Guys, I am sorry about the date thing. I didn’t think more about it and Claudia took it so serious. I should never have insisted.”

Bill frowned surprised, looking at Tom how shrugged with his shoulders indicating that he had no idea what was going through Georg’s mind.

“What do you mean?” Bill asked, tilting his head to the side and studying Georg’s expression that one could describe as uncomfortable.

“Ähm it wasn’t right to insist that you bring dates when you so obviously…erm…are committed to another person.”

Bill froze at the spot; he could almost feel his limps go cold and immobile. He felt totally mortified and his hands clenched the fabric of his trousers. Cold sweat trickled down his back and he didn’t dare to look up and meet Tom’s eyes. They were fucked.

As the silence grew longer Georg cleared his throat and Gustav stepped in.

“What this idiot wants to tell you guys is that we have suspected some weeks now what is going on between the two of you. Well to be honest we suspected something years ago and then you stopped talking. I am sorry if I am blunt about this but I have to ask: are you guys in love with each other?”

Bill felt tears rise in his eyes, his heart breaking into a million pieces. He knew that it was now everything ended. His heart hammered against his rib cage and his hands shook helplessly. It felt like he was trapped under water as he heard Tom answer with a simple yes, mortified about Tom’s honesty. To the guests of the wedding still standing on the dancefloor it looked like the four friends were engaged in a friendly conversation and no one wanted to bother them. Everyone knew how much they all meant to each other.

Bill was snapped out of his haze as he felt a big and soft hand take his. As he looked up he met Gustav’s kind eyes. He smiled and squeezed Bills hand.

“It’s ok Bill. Don’t be upset. If you are happy with this then we will support you guys. Its ok,” he repeated. 

“ Does anyone else know?” Bill asked, his voice cracking from all the emotion.

The G’s shook their heads simultaniously. 

“No and we will help you guys that it stays that way.” Georg sad and dunked Tom once again on the back. 

//And if I may just take your breath away  
I don't mind if there's not much to say  
Sometimes the silence guides your mind  
So move to a place so far away  
The goosebumps start to race  
The minute that my left hand meets your waist  
And then I watch your face  
Put my finger on your tongue 'cause you love to taste yeah  
These hearts adore, everyone the other beat heart is for  
Inside this place is warm  
Outside is ice cold//


	21. Chapter 21

//Strange hands taking my wrist again  
Somehow I'm still alone  
Voices shaking my steps again  
I follow  
I'm a little bit on the edge  
Holed up and out of reach  
I can't hear much of what you said  
Come for me//

Bill felt like his brain couldn’t keep up with the rapid rate everything happened. He was still stuck in his panicked thought loop trying to take in what the G’s said and failed miserably. In the matter of seconds the events had turn from hell shaped to looking good. Bills brain tried to scramble the pieces together to get the big picture but his emotions raged and he felt that he was about to have an anxiety attack. His throat closed up and suddenly it was very hard to breath. Bill needed to speak with Tom. Needed him to hold him and explain everything and tell him that they would be fine. He couldn’t believe it until he heard it from Tom.

But before Bill could make eye contact with his brother someone yanked his arm, demanding attention. Gustav’s and Georg’s wife had made their way on to the stage, telling the boys to make room for the band so that they could proceed on to the traditional dance of the wedding entourage. Bill wanted to tell her that he couldn’t dance now, he could barely breathe and he needed to talk to Tom but no words left his mouth as he gasped for air. 

Gustav’s wife didn’t seem to notice his distress and led him towards Andreas. Bill could see out of the corner of his eyes how the band sat up their instruments. Someone talked in a microphone; it took a while until Bill realized it was the weddings toastmaster, Georg’s cousin who was in charge of organizing the whole party and to keep everything on track.

Bill tried to make sense of the words he heard as well as calm himself down so that he could breathe again. But all the calming thoughts didn’t help and his throat closed further as all of a sudden Andreas put his arms around him to lead him to the dancefloor. Panic jolted through Bill, he didn’t want that, he couldn’t dance now. Bill turned his head trying to find Tom with his eyes but his brother faced Eden, ready to lead the dance. Bills vision turned blurry on the edges as the first tunes of the music started. The lack of oxygen made Bills body go limp and it felt like he was stuck in mud, his thoughts slowly looping around each other like a snake cautiously slithering before she made the kill.

Bill got panic attacks once in a while, so the logic voice in his head tried to calm him down and to convince him that he could breathe that he just had an anxiety attack. But his body received different signals; his panic fastened his pulse until he could hear his own blood rush through his veins. He focused his eyes on Andreas trying to communicate his distress but the only word leaving his mouth was “Tom!” before he went rigid in Andreas arms, hyperventilating with ragged breaths that transported oxygen to his lungs that his brain in his panicked state refused to take into his bloodstream.

That was the moment when Bill passed out, the pain in his lungs suddenly stopped and blackness wrapped itself around him like a blanket. Bill missed the commotion he caused on the dancefloor. He didn’t see Andreas almost falling over with a suddenly going limb Bill in his arms. He didn’t hear the scream of Georg’s wife as she saw Bill slowly glide unconsciously to the floor. He didn’t see Tom sprinting to him so fast the speed would have surprised him. Tom caught him in his arms before Bills head hit the floor.

Georg dialed 911 to call for an ambulance while Tom shouted at Andreas demanding to know what he had done to him. Andreas stood dumb folded over and over again saying that he didn’t know what happened that Bill seemed strange when they started dancing but he didn’t think anything of it because Bill hated dancing. He thought it was just Bill having nerves.

More and more guests gathered around them, looking down at Tom holding Bill on his lap trying to wake him up. Tears gathered in Toms eyes and started to stream down his face but he didn’t even bother to stroke them away. Tom tried to reach Bill, pleading him to wake up. Tom could feel Bills pulse and his chest rose so he was at least sure that he was still alive.

With Georg busy on the phone and Gustav busy attending to Georg’s shocked wife and his own, Eden and Andreas exchanged a look an started tell people to go into the dining room. They talked, pushed when necessary and sternly made their point that they needed some space on the dancefloor. Slowly people retracted, casting curious glances over their shoulders almost disappointed that they didn’t get to stay for the drama.

The twins mum had fallen down on her knees besides Tom, shocked and terrified. As she was about to drag Bill to herself Tom snapped, shouting over and over again that she should go away that nobody would take his Bill from him. Simone was so shocked over her son’s outburst that she let Gustav lead her to a chair near the dancefloor, talking soothingly to her. Toms whole body shook in desperation, his hands clenched around Bills waste, sweat gathering on his forehead. He had shouted his voice hoarse so now just whimpers and whispers where heard from the floor. Gustav and Georg moved closer, standing between the curious eyes of the guests and Tom and Bill on the floor.

Everyone took a relieved breath as the paramedics finally came. They asserted the situation quickly, one boy on the floor seemingly unconscious but breathing another one holding him tight like his life depended on it. They didn’t try to break Bill free from Tom’s arms but examined him as they were. After Tom explained what happened, the paramedics concluded that it might have been an anxiety attack. After hearing that Bill had had those before they calmly explained that Bill wasn’t in danger, that even though his brain was convinced he couldn’t breathe actually oxygen had made its way to his body. They gave him a shot of adrenaline to wake him up.

When Bill opened his eyes he wondered for a split second why everyone was looking down at him. It took a few seconds until his brain recognized that he was lying on the floor and strange people in neon clothes were talking to him. He saw Tom, sweaty and terrified. That’s when he felt the familiar arms around him almost bruising his hip bones. A young man with a nice smile explained to him that he had fainted after a panic attack but that he was going to be fine.

The first word that Bill uttered was “fuck!” which made the friendly paramedic smile and petted him lightly on the shoulder. The paramedics gave some more instructions to Tom and Georg that Bill needed to rest if possible and that he should try to avoid situations that upset him. At that Tom huffed exhausted and Georg put a comforting hand on Toms arm. Now that Bill was awake Tom started to think again the first time after he heard Georg’s wife scream. Looking at the shocked faces around him he had no idea how big the damage was. He had no idea what he had said with Bill on the floor.

Cautiously Tom helped Bill in a seating position. As Bill nodded they got up from the hard and cold floor. Bills feet felt wobbly and his head swirled after the adrenaline shot. They slowly went towards one of the spare rooms, furnitured so that the guests of the party could get some time away to rest. Suddenly the red sofa looked very inviting to Bill and he was glad as they finally reached it and he could glide down on the soft surface. Tom was about to leave but Bill put a hand on his arm.

“Don’t go. Please don’t go,” he whispered.

Bill felt terrified and weak. He was afraid of everything right now and the thought of being one second without Tom made his stomach reel. Tom nodded and took the seat beside Bill, their hips and thigs touching.

“I was just going to get you some water, sweet angel.” Tom petted Bills knees reassuringly.

“You know that I’ll never leave you no matter what happens.” Tom finally took Bills hand and laced their fingers together.

//Don't let me tumble away  
Into the throes of the shadowy bay  
I cling to the rock  
And it's crumbling off  
Toss me a heavy rope  
It's a slippery slope  
Come bail me out of this godforsaken precipice   
Come bail me out of this godforsaken precipice //

Tom could still feel the coldness on Bills skin, his hands still moist from the cold sweat that had broken out of Bills pores when he had the panic attack.

“What if…everyone knows now?” Bill looked afraid, his brown doe eyes wide and terrified. 

Tom wanted nothing more than protect him and love him until the end of time.

“Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”

Tom was about to tell Bill about the flight tickets when the G’s peered warily into the room. When they saw Bill sitting up and talking, they entered, closing the door behind them with a thud. Gustav approached them, crouching down before Bill.

“You scared us Bill,” he said calmly, briefly putting a hand on Bills knee.

They all were like family to each other but inside their little group they had their special bonds. Of course the twins had their twin bond. Tom and Georg had something that Bill called teasingly a bromance, being best friends. Bill had the closest bond to Gustav, the reliable and often silent drummer balanced Bills energetic side. Georg and Gustav acted towards one another more like brothers than friends. Therefore it wasn’t surprising that Gustav was the one making the approach on Bill.

“I am so, so sorry,” Bills voice trembled, his eyes shiny with tears as they connected with Georg’s. Tom could tell that Bill loathed himself for causing drama on Georg’s wedding day.  
Georg just shook his head and smiled.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. We are all happy that you are ok now, that’s the important thing.”

“What happened?” Gustav threw in the question.

“I guess I panicked,” Bill explained, leaning back against the red sofa, his head resting against it as if it were too heavy to hold itself up.

“It was too much to take in. You guys knowing about us, the pressure on us to act casual the whole time so that no one would suspect anything. I couldn’t breathe anymore.”

“Like that time right before that Bravo TV interview?” Gustav interjected. He was referring to an interview they were supposed to give as a band. But right before they should go out on live television Bill blacked out from the lack of sleep in combination with the pressure to deliver a good interview and dodge any questions about his sexuality or possible anorexia.  
Bill nodded and Tom thought shameful that Bill hadn’t gotten any sleep at all the previous night. He felt bad for not considering what ramification it would have if Bill wouldn’t sleep in the nervous state he was in.

“How bad is it?” Tom asked and looked pointedly at the door.

Georg huffed and buried his hands in his pockets, his shoulders hunched. Gustav carded through his hair, making a mess of the sleek hairstyle he had today. Right before they entered the room they dodged a thousand questions about Bill. They needed almost to hold back the twins mum, who was about to get into the spare room to check on Bill. The G’s understood that she was very worried about her youngest son but they both wouldn’t risk letting her walk in a compromising situation. They whole wedding entourage had seen enough before they shielded the twins with their bodies.

“I don’t know man,” Georg answered, shrugging with an uncomfortable look edged into his features.

“I think yelling at my mum that she should fuck off and that I would never let her take away my Bill wasn’t such a good idea,” Tom chuckled lightly, still seeing the humorous side of the whole situation.

“You did what?” Bill peeped, his voice getting higher whenever he was excited or afraid.

Tom managed to look a little guilty under Bills horrified expression. He knew that if there wouldn’t happen a miracle they both had a lot of explaining to do. And even if they came up with a good explanation he wasn’t sure that it would be enough. Not this time.

“Maybe we should just get out of here. Run away.” Tom locked eyes with Bill pleading him silently to understand.

“But where would you guys go?” Georg asked concerned, his eyebrows knitted together to a frown.

“India.” Tom replied, pulling out the slightly crinkled tickets he had in his jacket pocket the whole time. He extended the hand holding the tickets to Bill who gingerly took them and opened the small blue envelopes.

“I had a bad feeling about all of this. I thought that we needed a backup plan, a flight plan if it would get to the worst. However I thought more on the lines of punching Andreas in the face in front of everyone not so much of you blacking out on the dancefloor,” Tom said smiling at Bill who looked surprised at the tickets he was holding.

Toms and Georg’s eyes met, holding suppressed emotions.

“But if we go, then we never can come back. We can’t see the G’s or our family.” Bill sounded unsure and afraid. Too many things had happened under a short period of time and he didn’t trust himself to make the right decision.

Bill looked at Gustav, his second rock in this world when everything went crazy.

“We are family, we will always be in touch, visiting and talking. Bill I think you guys should do it. I don’t know how bad things are but one thing is for sure: if you stay you have to be cautious on your toes for the rest of your lives.”

Tom could see Bill burry his head in his hands not responding to Gustav’s statement. Tom could feel the weight of the little box in his trouser pocket. He was unsure of how to proceed, he didn’t know if he would complicate things further if he went through with his surprise. On a hunch Tom decided to do it anyway, either he would gain everything or lose everything. It was now their fate would be decided.

Tom went down on his knees, gingerly taking Bills hands from his face. He looked into the eyes of his beloved twin and he knew without a doubt that he would give up everything for him. Tom would even die for him if that would be necessary. Their eyes connected for a long moment before Tom flipped open the little midnight blue box in his hand. Bills eyes were drawn down to his hands by the flopping sound and Tom could see Bills eyes widen in surprise.

Inside the box was a beautiful white gold ring, plain besides an ornament on the edged looping around the whole ring. As Tom tilted the box the light fell on the ring, revealing words engraved on the inside. “one soul, two hearts. You and me, forever bound”  
Tom could hear the G’s gasp for air behind him but he couldn’t focus on them right now.

“Bill, you are my world, my everything. Every breath I take, I take for you. Do you want to follow me to India, live by my side as my best friend, my soulmate, little brother and lover until the end of days? Do you want to marry me?”

All eyes in the room focused on Bill as he took a deep breath to answer.

//Turned up in this old place again  
Can't seem to get away  
Take me back to my element  
I'm afraid//


	22. Chapter 22

//Oh I beg you, can I follow?  
Oh I ask you, why not always?  
Be the ocean, where I unravel  
Be my only, be the water where I'm wading  
You're my river running high  
Run deep, run wild//

Bill took a deep breath, trying to calm his raging heartbeat with the steady flow of air. He had his eyes solely focused on Tom who was crouching before him, a little blue box in his hands. He could feel the G’s stares burning on his skin but he tried not to avert his eyes from the warm brown ones of his brother. In the depth of Tom’s eyes he could see countless emotions swirl: love, anxiety, fear and relief. The situation seemed so surreal Bill felt the sudden urge to burst into a hysteric laughter.

In the last two hours Bill had performed a song in front of audience for the first time in years, he had gotten a panic attack on the dancefloor and he got a proposal from his brother. In a way it was funny in retrospective it felt like the world had stood still the previous five years just to speed up so much that Bill barely was able to hang on.  
Bills heart clenched as he examined every detail of the ring in front of him. It was simple and yet immensely beautiful. A warm feeling spread through his body as he read the words over and over again. Some part of him had still trouble believing what Tom had done, both regarding his flight plans and his proposal.

Even though it wasn’t the perfect timing for a proposal with their world crumbling down beneath them Bill still thought that it was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever done for him. Of course he knew that he would never be able to marry Tom, but the gesture meant so much to him that tears welled up in his eyes.

Before Bill answered the question he leaned forward, capturing Toms face in his delicate hands. He caressed the skin under Tom’s eyes with his thumbs and let his thoughts linger at the fact how much he loved this kindhearted and beautiful man in front of him. Some part of his soul knew that he always had loved the soul of this man, from lifetime to lifetime, as a brother, as lover, as soulmate and twin. Their love stretched beyond the confines of the morals of this society.

So many times Bill had thought about everything that he needed to sacrifice in order to be with Tom. But he realized right at this moment, with his brothers breath on his face that he had everything he could ever wish for. And even if they couldn’t get married in the traditional legal sense of the way they could still celebrate their eternal bond.

“Of course I want to marry you. I am yours already. My soul, my heart and my body belongs to you. Forever.”

Out of the corner of his eyes Bill could see Georg flinch as he said the word “body”. The ghost of a smirk appeared on Bills lips, thinking about what images he had evoked inside of Georg. Bill leaned forward as Tom sighed with relief and captured his slightly chapped lips with his own. It was meant as a chaste peck on the lips in consideration of their friends who still stood and watched them intently. But as soon as their lips touched, Tom cupped Bills face with his big hands, pulling him closer. As usual their bodies reacted without hesitation and in the matter of seconds they were engaged in a passionate kiss.

They broke apart as Bill heard someone clearing his throat and looked up at his friends who both looked slightly flushed and uncomfortable. Bill mused that it must be a big difference to support the concept of them being together in theory than watching them French kissing. Bill couldn’t help but find it a little funny and chuckled lightly under his breath.

Following his gaze Tom understood the source of Bills amusement and smirked up at his friends. Before he got up from the uncomfortable position on his knees he put the ring on Bills finger. It fit perfectly and Tom smiled proudly.

“Soooooo,” Gustav said, finally sitting down at the sofa opposite to the twins, “what now?”

The four boys looked at each other. Georg joined Gustav on the sofa, crossing his ankles as he stretched out and looked up the ceiling with folded hands. A small knock on the door broke the silence that had dawned upon the room.

“Guys, is everything alright in there?” The muffled voice of Georg’s wife could be heard through the door. As soon as Georg realized who spoke a look of guilt crossed his face. For a moment he had been so focused on Bill and helping the twins that he had pushed the fact that he was at his own wedding to the back of his mind.

“Everything is alright, we will be out in a minute, love” Georg replied, laying as much reassurance in his voice as he could muster at the moment.

“Tomi,” Bill said in a small voice, putting his hand on Toms, the ring glistening in the light of the chandelier. “Let’s just go out and see how much damage there is really done. I think we would be cowards if we just run away without even considering every option.”  
Bill could feel Toms body tense up beside him, clearly not agreeing with Bills idea. Toms jaw was clenched tight and his free hand held the cushion beside him in a grip that made his knuckles whiten.

“What if they try to take you away from me?” Tom said, his voice noticeably shaking with fear. Bills eyes wandered over Tom’s rigid shoulders down to his hands he made a mental note to give Tom a massage when all this was over. He seemed to need it badly.

“I don’t think the police will storm the wedding and arrest you because you were upset when Bill fainted,” Gustav pointed out. In a way he had become the voice of logic and reason and Bill was grateful to have his support.

Bill understood Tom’s heavy reaction to today’s events. He knew that Tom was terrified of losing him again and it made him blind to logic and reason. Bill leaned down, kissing the white knuckles on Tom’s hand, feeling the callused and slightly dry skin on his lips. Bill realized that it would take a long time until they would built up a trust in the fact again that everything will be alright in the end. They had been through so much, that it was easy for them to always assume the worst.

Bill locked eyes with his brother, nodding at Gustav’s words.

“And even if they would, they would have to break my arms and legs to peel me off you!” Bill stated and stood up with a bounce of determination.

“It’s time to face the world, baby,” Bill smiled reassuringly and extended a hand to his big brother who still wore an apprehensive look on his face but complied and stood up as well.

When Bill cautiously opened the door it wasn’t the apocalypse which was waiting for him. Instead of police officers with guns, his screaming mother accusing them both of being disgusting and a staring crowd they found the hallway in front of the recreation room empty. The four boys paused a moment in the doorframe. The clatter of silverware could be heard, as well as laughter and faint conversations. The smell of food wafted over to them and made Bills mouth water. He hadn’t eaten all day since breakfast and his body craved food even if his mind didn’t.

Georg led the way to the dining room. When the boys entered heads turned to observe them and the G’s smiled left and right to ease the tension in the air. Curious eyes wandered to the twins but nobody said anything. They all found their places at the table of honor, thankfully sliding down onto the chairs to escape everyone’s eyes. Bill took a deep breath and let his gaze wander through the room and lock with his friend sitting at the opposite side of the table, besides Toms date Eden. A small smile crossed Andreas face and he mimicked a “how are you”. As Bill smiled and nodded to let him know that he was alright he could see relieve shining in the blue eyes of the other.

Bills eyes fell on Eden the dark haired beauty and he smiled noting that he was one of the prettiest ladies in the room, except of the bride of course. For a moment Bill wished Andreas wasn’t gay because those two seemed to have hit it off instantly. Even Eden smiled at him and gave a small wink with her eyes. Relief washed through Bill because he realized that nobody had seemed to have paid attention to their strange behavior.

That relief just held for about ten seconds until his eyes met his mothers. Instead of the usual warmth glowing from her grey eyes he now could see a questioning look. She looked like the times when they were little and she knew they hadn’t been up to something good but hadn’t figured out yet what they had done.

Bill let out a small gasp for air, digging his fingers in Toms thigh who sat on his right side and was about to put a large piece of steak into his mouth.

//I, I follow, I follow you  
Deep sea baby, I follow you  
I, I follow, I follow you  
Dark doom honey, I follow you//

Tom was about to put a piece of deliciously looking medium rare steak in his mouth when he felt Bills fingers digging into his thigh. He flinched and looked over to his brother in surprise. After they had entered the room the whispers and curious glances in their direction began to fade and Tom had decided to drown his fears with that expensive red wine Georg had insisted on ordering. Now as he looked into the brown orbs of Bills eyes he could see the same fear he had felt ever since he had pulled Bill up from the ground not knowing how much of their relationship had been displayed.

Tom frowned, suddenly confused why his brother seemed terrified now because everything seemed calm and nobody was staring at them or pointing at them. Tom followed Bills eyes and locked his gaze with his mother a couple of tables away. Their stepfather seemed to try to engage their mother in a conversation but she didn’t reply and sat in her chair, the hands neatly folded the food in front of her untouched. A frown had appeared on her forehead and she tilted her head as she looked at the twins. Tom felt those grey eyes linger on him far too long and far too questioning for his taste.

It took him a couple of seconds until Tom realized that Simone wasn’t reacting to the smile he gave her. Tom wasn’t sure but it almost seemed like she had an accusing look on her face. Having her observing eyes on him made him feel utterly uncomfortable and he shifted in his chair, bouncing a leg up and down. As carefully as possible he leaned away from Bill, creating space between their bodies. Without even noticing the both of them sat tightly pressed together even though the table of honor was very spacious.

Tom put his fork down with a sigh. A moment ago he had been ravenous and ready to comply with Bills wishes to make it through the wedding without making panicky decisions. Now he was not so sure anymore. Tom took a sip of the dark red wine, swirling the liquid in his mouth, thinking about what would happen if his mother suspected anything. Firstly she had no evidence so they could still deny everything. But the truth to be told Tom was afraid that Bill couldn’t pull off such a lie. Not in front of their mother who meant so much to him.

During the last five years Tom had distanced himself from his family and even before that he never had a strong bond to his parents. It had always been Bill who mattered the world to him while the others where mere bystanders. Nowadays he felt that the G’s were more family to him than his parents even though nothing in particular happened to make him feel this way. Of course he loved them but he just wasn’t that attached.

But he also knew that Bill thought very differently about that matter because he had a good relationship to their mother and valued her opinions. Tom contemplated that the reason for their different feelings depended on the fact that Tom always had been possessive of Bill, even when they were children. He just couldn’t stand when his mother wanted to comfort Bill when he cried or was upset in some way. Everything in him screamed “MINE!!” when she reached to hug Bill. Tom was sure he never said anything but he supposed that his feelings had been so obvious in his body language and in his eyes.

Tom also knew that their close bond made his mother uneasy at times, even when it was just innocent brotherly love. It was always Bill that could make her smile again after they were found talking in their own made up language, something they wasn’t supposed to do. Even when Tom was a child he didn’t bother to mask his uncaring attitude. As long as he had Bill he didn’t care about what their mother thought of their relationship.

Deep down Tom knew that he still didn’t. But knowing that Bill feared their mothers reaction made his stomach flutter nervously. He believed Bill when he said that he never would leave Tom and that nothing could break them apart. Tom sighed as he realized that a tiny part of him was afraid that Simone could have the power to convince Bill that their relationship was a bad thing. Acid burned its way from his stomach to his throat and Tom repeatedly swallowed to get rid of it.

Tom turned his head, ignoring their mother for now to observe Bill fidgeting with the hem of the table cloth. His sudden unease was displayed all over his body, his trembling hands and the hunched shoulders. Anger build up inside of Tom directed at their mother for making Bill feel this way. The paramedics made it clear that Bill needed to take it slow and not get upset again.

“I am back in a minute,” Tom whispered, touching Bills hand briefly before getting up from his chair.

Several guests had started to mingle with each other, switching places to talk to friends and family they hadn’t seen in a while. Tom passed by several familiar faces, exchanged greetings with Georg’s family; shaking hands with Georg’s dad and suffered to a bone crushing hug from the chubby women that was Georg’s mother. Slowly Tom made his way to his mother’s table, nodding at the question if Bill was fine a couple of times. Finally he came to stand beside Simone, looking down at Gordon who looked grumpy.

“Can I talk to you for a second, mum?” Tom said keeping his voice neutral, free from any emotions.

Simone just nodded and followed him out of the dining room into the dimly lit hallway. When they were out of earshot Tom paused, waiting for his mother to catch up with him. For a moment he looked down at the short women in front of him with the pretty purple dress and paused to calm his raging emotions. After all that women gave birth to him and Bill and therefore gave him the most precious thing on earth: his twin. Tom shoved his hands down his pockets and sighed knowing that if it came to it all that wouldn’t stop him from protecting Bill and their relationship in any way possible. He just hoped she wouldn’t make it so difficult for both of them.

“Tom what’s going on? Why did Bill faint and why don’t I get to check up on my youngest son?” Simone had raised her voice at the end of the sentence, revealing how angry she really was.

“It wasn’t the right time, we needed space!” Tom exclaimed harsher than intended but Simone was really pushing his buttons.

“Why would you need space? I am his mother for God’s sake! It’s my right to take care of him when he isn’t feeling well!”

Tom narrowed his eyes, feeling the restraints he had washed away by anger.

“No it isn’t! It’s MY right to take care of him!” Tom almost yelled, rage shooting out of his eyes like lightning bolts. His hands were balled into fists and he shook his head in disbelieve. After all those years his mother still didn’t get it.

“You are just his brother but I am his mother. You don’t know how to take care of him. You left him five years ago broke his heart and his soul. What right do YOU have to care of him?”

“You don’t know what happened five years ago and you have no right to even mention it,” Tom spat, taking a couple of steps back, almost as if he was afraid what he would do when he stayed to close to his mother.

“Yes I don’t know what happened because you boys never told me anything.” Simone’s voice cracked, changing from outraged to sad in the matter of seconds.

“Tom,” she closed the distance between them again, putting a hand on his arm. “I just want you boys to let me in, let other people in. How are you supposed to make a relationship with a partner work when you cling to each other like that? It’s not healthy!”

By the time Simone had finished her voiced sounded desperate and urgent, trying to get through to her oldest son.

“We won’t. We don’t need to. We have each other.”

Tom turned around, ready to leave and let his words sink in. A small gasp coming from his mother told him that she understood what he was implying or she at least guessed.

“But…” she trailed off, seemingly lost for words.

Tom turned around once more, facing his mother with a stern look on his face. The usually kind and warm brown eyes were icing cold and piercing.

“Stay the hell away from us. If you upset him and make him chose between us, he is not going to choose you. You are going to lose him. So think twice before you say anything to anyone.”

The tone in Tom’s voice was cold and unmistakably threatening. He could see tears well up in his mother’s eyes and one part of him thought the he ought to be ashamed of himself. But he wasn’t, he didn’t even feel any other emotion than the fierce need to protect Bill.

“Why are you doing this Tom?” Simone asked, clutching her hands together and shifting uneasy from one foot to the other.

“Because I am protecting what’s mine.”


	23. Chapter 23

//We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain  
We jumped, never asking why  
We kissed, I fell under your spell  
A love no one could deny  
Don't you ever say I just walked away  
I will always want you  
I can't live a lie, running for my life  
I will always want you//

Bill looked up surprised when Tom left the table. But his brother never saw the questioning look he was shooting at him. Bills eyes widened as he realized that Tom was on his way to their mother. As it seemed Tom asked to speak to her because she as well got up from her chair and followed Tom out into the hallway. The fact that Tom was talking to their mum right after she had looked at them so suspiciously made Bills skin crawl. He didn’t know if it was his twin bond or a hunch but he had a very bad feeling about the whole situation.

Bills eyes were glued to the door through which his mother and Tom had disappeared as if he could make them come back by staring intensely. The minutes stretched and Bills nerves got worse, cold sweat gathered in his palms.

A little further down the table of honor Gustav talked to one of the bridesmaids about Paris and tried to engage him into the conversation. Bill just smiled and nodded now and then but didn’t participate actively in the conversation. The grilled vegetables on his plate looked less appealing by the second and he couldn’t bring himself to eat anything. A waiter passed by and he nodded when he asked if he was finished with his food. In exchange for the leftover food he got another glass of white wine. Bill took a cautious sip, still waiting for Tom and his mum to get back.

Finally he could see the two of them enter the room again, Tom was a few steps ahead and walked fast by the tables. His eyes were fixated on the table of honor and he ignored the people left and right addressing him as he walked by. Bill saw his mother sit down again, a sad expression on her face. Bill tried to catch her eyes but it was as if she deliberately looked in any direction but his. Gordon seemed to ask if she was alright but she just put up a hand to tell him she didn’t want to talk about it. Bill knew instantly that something must have gone wrong because his mother seldom used this hand gesture just when she even was too upset to talk.

Bills stomach churned as he watched Tom approach the table an icing cold expression covering his features. Just by looking at his tense shoulders and his eyes Bill could tell that Tom was very angry.

“What happened?” Bill asked when Tom slid back into his seat, taking a big gulp of the wine.

“Nothing” Tom replied shortly, with his body turned away from Bill pretending to watch what was going on in the middle of the room were several people started to set up one of the traditional wedding games. Two chairs were placed opposite each other, their backrest facing towards each other.

Someone approached Georg and under giggles and jokes he had to give away one of his shoes. The bride had to do the same. The toast master, clad in a blue jacket speaking into a microphone led the wedded couple to the chairs while the guests cheered.

“How do you mean nothing? Mum looks upset. You look angry. Tell me what’s going on.”

Bill demanded, lowering his voice to a whisper to not disturb the games. But he didn’t need to be that cautious because the guests were shouting and cheering and the couple was laughing as they extended one hand in the air holding either the grooms or the bride’s shoe.

Tom turned around and looked at him with one of the expressions Bill hated the most. He only got it when he was really angry. His eyes looked cold and piercing, no emotion could be seen in the brown orbs. It was a disturbing sight because Tom’s eyes usually were full of love and warmth. This lifeless coldness gave Bill the shivers.

“She asked too many questions. I told her to stop but she wouldn’t. She seemed to know something was going on and she talked about how unhealthy our relationship is so I told her to stay away from us. “

Tom told Bill in a neutral voice, as if he was explaining that it would rain tomorrow. Bill gasped for air, his eyes once again traveling to his mother who had turned her back on the table of honor. His heart sank and he clenched the fabric of his trousers in his hands.

“How could you…Tom…you had no right to say that. She is our mother.”  
Bills voice turned desperate as he tried to get a reaction out of his brother who seemed to have retracted himself into his shell showing no emotion whatsoever. It was a side of Tom that didn’t surface very often but when it did it scared Bill a lot. Because he just couldn’t reach Tom behind that barrier he put up in front of himself fueled by anger and rage. Bill also knew that it was the ugly side of Toms possessiveness that Bill found cute and sexy in good times.

Bill knew that this side of Tom had always existed. Even when they were children he had been very protective of Bill when it came to other children but even against their own parents. It was like he didn’t trust anyone to take proper care of Bill than himself. And when he believed he was endangering Bill he rather left him than dealing with the situation. Bill was sure that it was these aspects of their relationship that worried his mother already when they were children. So often she would tell them to let other people in, to stop depending that much on one another. It seemed that there were parts of them inside their souls already broken when they entered this world.

Bill buried his head in his hands, trying to shut the world and all the negative thoughts out. He just couldn’t stop thinking about how even their broken and unhealthy parts fitted so evenly together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Tom’s raw possessiveness, the jealousy and his controlling side fitted perfectly together with Bills clingy, needy and attention seeking side. He was upset about how Tom had handled things but that broken part inside of him WANTED Tom to take control, to protect him and smother him with attention and love. And with Tom shutting the world out like that the needy side of Bill took over. 

Instead of questioning Tom’s behavior, telling him off for making decisions over Bills head and having a serious talk with him Bill found himself dragging Tom up by the hand and walking hurriedly to one of the exit doors.

Bill held Toms hand in a firm grip as he led the way down to the luxurious bathrooms. The venue were Georg had decided to host his wedding was often used for big conferences or important business meetings. The luxury was like a scent wafting through the whole building but especially in the restrooms you could guess how expensive this location really was. Instead of restrooms with several booths there were three bathrooms. Each one of them equipped with a shower, a toilet, a Jacuzzi and even a sofa. All the details went in gold and silver, from the faucet to the to the soap dispenser. With a thud Bill closed the door and locked behind them.

“What…?” Tom asked but was stopped by Bills mouth pressed to his and Bills tongue slipping between his lips. Tom groaned and pulled Bill immediately closer by the waist.  
Bill knew that they really should talk about what happened between Tom and their mum but for now all he wanted was Tom’s full attention and love. He needed to feel Tom inside of him to anchor him to this world.

“Please Tomi, please fuck me. I need to feel you!” Bill whispered hoarsely, opening his belt with shaking hands. He could see Toms eyes widen in surprise for a moment before a dark lust emerged inside of them.

Bill could barely get out of his clothes before he was bent over the red plush sofa. Strong hands gripped his hips and a wet tongue licked at his rib cage. Bill could feel his brother’s hard arousal nudging his buttocks.

“Fuck” Tom muttered desperately and Bill turned around to see what was going on. Tom shrugged and shook his head at the same time. He cursed under his breath as he uttered the words “no lube”.

“I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care” Bill messed over and over again, facing Tom and pressing his lips onto Toms. Tom shook still his head, unwilling to hurt his soulmate.  
Bill pressed his lips onto Tom’s ear, whispering how much he needed him and pleading him to take him right now despite the lack of lube. With a hand wrapped around Tom’s erection and his pleading whimpers Bill finally pushed Tom towards complying with his wishes.

Finally he was turned around again, now facing one of the paintings decorating the restroom. It was called Café de Nuit and Bill loved it from the moment he had walked into this restroom directly after arriving at the venue.

A wet popping sound echoed from the walls and Bill guessed that Tom had wet his fingers. A suspicion that was confirmed as he felt the familiar burning sensation of Toms fingers entering him. This time however with the hurry and without the lube the pleasure was mixed with pain. Bill could feel his unprepared body struggle against the unplanned intrusion. He willed himself to relax, his mind craving to be as near as possible to Tom.

 

//I came in like a wrecking ball  
I never hit so hard in love  
All I wanted was to break your walls  
All you ever did was break me  
Yeah, you wreck me//

Tom tried to prepare him as thoroughly as possible but Bills impatient whimpers drove him to quicken up his pace. By the time Tom was ready to enter Bills body all blood had gathered in his lower regions leaving not much to work with for his brain. The little voice inside of him telling him that this was really unhealthy behavior was drowned by the immense pleasure as the velvety heat of Bills ass hugged his erection. The feeling without lube was different, raw and tight. It was like Tom could feel the heat radiate from Bills body.

With every push inside of Bill met by clenching muscles Tom felt like he was taking possession again of his soulmate. Every thrust extracted whimpers and small screams from Bill but Tom couldn’t even tell if they were caused by pain or lust. As he felt his own climax approach he gave attention to Bills straining cock, covering his hands in sticky liquid within seconds.

“You are mine!” Tom exclaimed as he finally came inside of Bill with such a strong orgasm he knees almost buckled underneath him. Panting he rested a couple of seconds on Bills thin back unable to move a single muscle.

Finally some sense came back to Tom as he extracted himself from Bill. With wary eyes he looked at the damage he just caused on his brothers body. A blue hicky on his shoulder blades marked the creamy skin. One of Bills hips seemed to have a slight bruise, probably caused by Tom gripping him to control his body. A stab of guilt made Tom flinch as his eyes fell on Bills ass, looking sore, red and abused.

The feeling like the world was crumbling down beneath him let Tom slide exhausted on to the sofa. Right then and there he questioned if he maybe was wrong and his mother was right. Maybe they needed help and their relationship was sick and disgusting.

“I am so sorry, I am so sorry, I am so sorry” Tom whimpered, covering his eyes with his hands to shield himself from the image of his brother but it already was printed inside of his eyes.

A noticeably shaking Bill climbed onto his lap, resting his head on Toms chest and circling his arms around him.

“I wanted this Tom. I needed this. Don’t be sorry!” Bill sounded urgent and exhausted at the same time. Tom held on to him like his life depended on it and he rubbed Bills cold skin, goosebumps erupting everywhere the chilly air met Bills skin.

“You know its true,” Bill looked up at him with eyes shimmering with tears. “I am yours and you are mine. No matter what happens, good or bad.”

Tom caressed Bills ring finger, looking down at the ring symbolizing their bond.

“Even if its fucked up?” Tom questioned and Bill nodded in respons.

“Even if we are fucked up, unhealthy and insane. I don’t care!”

//I put you high up in the sky  
And now, you're not coming down  
It slowly turned, you let me burn  
And now, we're ashes on the ground  
Don't you ever say I just walked away  
I will always want you  
I can't live a lie, running for my life  
I will always want you//


	24. Chapter 24

//I hate my life.  
I can't sit still  
for one more single day,  
I've been here waiting,  
for something to live and die for  
Let's run and hide.//

It took a while for the twins to calm down but they had to get back to the wedding. So they washed up thoroughly, using the complementary lavender soup and the soft cotton towels. Tom was the first to step out of the bathroom, walking in determined steps to one of the side tables where Eden and Andreas were seated. He took an empty chair at their table and answered some of the question they both might have. When they asked if he knew where Bill was he just shrugged and said he hadn’t seen him in a while and that he probably went to get some air. Bill waited another ten minutes before he reentered the dining room, cautiously using another entry than Tom making it look like he was just coming in from outside.

Bill spotted Tom sitting with their friends and he gave a small wave before heading in their direction. In order to get to them he had to pass by the table where his mother and Gordon were seated. As he passed by he noticed the empty seats and the napkins carelessly thrown over untouched food. Bill haltered in his steps and wondered where they might have gone. His thoughts were interrupted as Georg’s cousin, aka the toastmaster, tugged on his arm. Bill turned around and faced Georg’s relative, contemplating how someone in their right mind could choose to wear such a hideous jacket.

Despite his lack of fashion sense Georg’s Cousin Peter was a nice and outgoing guy who had always a joke ready. Bill smiled friendly at him.

“How are things going?” Bill asked, facing the other man fully.

“Oh everything is on track, the games went well and everyone seemed to have fun.”

“Oh yes they were really good, so much fun” Bill faked enthusiasm for wedding games he had not seen due to his adventure to the restrooms with Tom. He hoped that no one had noticed and his hopes were confirmed when Peter nodded and smiled proudly.

“Well next is the traditional duck dance. Gustav told me you have requested to lead that part so we can go right ahead when you are ready,” Peter looked at him expectantly while Bill opened and closed his mouth a couple of times without making a sound.

Peter relieved Bill from his embarrassment when he almost doubled over laughing.

“Dude, you should have seen your face. Epic!” Peter chuckled and shook his head in disbelief how easy Bill was fooled.

“Erm…haha” Bill offered lamely, not even trying to attempt on pretending that he thought that particular joke was very funny.

“Sorry,” Peter shrugged, still grinning widely. “I just wanted to tell you that your mother and stepdad have left. Apparently she wasn’t feeling well.”

Bill nodded not even surprised that his mother didn’t try to talk to him. He imagined that she knew it was a fight she would lose, that he would choose Tom any time if it came to it.

Bill exchanged some more small talk with Peter telling him how good a job he had done being a toastmaster. Truth to be told bill had no idea if he had but he felt a little guilty for both causing an emergency on Georg’s wedding and then not paying any much attention to it. After a couple of minutes Bill was finally able to join Tom at their friends table.

The three of them seemed engaged in a conversation that was about motorcycles and Bill flinched as he approached them. Tom had a motorcycle license but he said he rarely used it because of time issues. Just the thought of Tom driving such a dangerous thing made Bills stomach reel.

“Hi stranger,” Andreas greeted Bill with a smile and a wink. Even their dates hadn’t gotten much attention that day.

“How are you doing, Bill? Eden asked, her forehead wrinkled in concern. Bill found it sweet that she seemed to care about him even though they just met the other day. But by the way she and Tom interacted he had understood that they were close friends. He would probably see her often when he moved to the states.

“I am fine thanks. I take it slow, just was outside to rest a bit and get some air. I don’t want to cause another drama” Bill answered politely, sliding down into one of the vacant chairs besides Tom. As his bottom made contact with the surface Bill flinched, a burning sensation was spreading from his ass. For a moment he found it hilarious that they were here sitting and making civil conversation with their friends with his bottom still hurting from Tom’s lovemaking. Or fucking as he corrected himself.

Bill burst out in a series of giggles, not able to contain himself and even Tom chuckled, probably guessing the source of Bills amusement. He surely had seen how Bill sat on the edge of the chair cautiously. Eden and Andreas exchanged a bewildered look, not really being let into the joke the twins obviously shared.

“it’s a twin thing,” Tom explained and smiled.

“By the way, mum and Gordon have left,” Bill said his voice serious again with no trace of the laughter just seconds earlier.

Tom arched a brow and Bill just shrugged. He looked down at his folded hands, a twinge of sadness echoing through his body. He was certain that they had lost their mother. Bill just couldn’t imagine that she would come around, foremost if she suspected something. Already in normal terms she thought the relationship between the twins was to tight, she would never approve of them being a couple. It was already a miracle that the G’s did.

“Oh you must be sad, I am sure you planned on spending some time with her,” Eden responded to Bills comment and the way a sad expression had emerged on his face.

“Yeah…well, nothing you can do about it,” Bill said more nonchalant than he was actually feeling. The soure of losing their mother was still too fresh, so fresh that he couldn’t even talk about it with Tom. Bill planned on shoving all the bad things to a place far away inside his head, so that he could make it through the wedding. They owed Georg and their friends that much.

With their mother taken out of the equation it was easier for the twins to finally focus on the wedding. They mingled with the other guests, talking to Georg’s and Claudia’s relatives. Both Bill and Tom danced with the bride, Tom smirking every once in a while when Bill had a pained expression on while dancing. As the evening went on the guests indulged in expensive wine and a barkeeper kept everyone hooked up with delicious drinks. Everyone loosened up which led to Tom leading Georg to a slow dance while all their friends laughed wholeheartedly at the cute picture. Claudia just rolled her eyes; she had made peace with their bromance long ago. 

After kidding around like that the twins were even able to have one dance together. Gustav claimed they had lost a bet and that they needed to slow dance in front of everybody, kindly giving them the opportunity to spend some minutes feeling like a couple. The other guests on the dancefloor chuckled at the funny boys but didn’t pay much attention to the twins actual dancing. Bill risked leaning his head against Tom’s chest, feeling Toms beard rasped his cheeks and Toms scent made him feel secure and safe. They slowly swayed around to the low-key tunes of an unknown love song.

The wedding cake, a gift by Gustav, was a huge success and because Claudia took the first bite it was obvious that she would be the boss in that marriage. The twins spend time with their dates, talking and drinking. By the end of the night they both were surprised how well they handled the remaining part of the wedding.

At midnight they waved the newly wedded couple off who would spend the night at the romantic suite belonging to the venue. After that they would straight fly to Hawai for a two week honeymoon. Georg hugged the twins before leaving, once again telling them that whatever they decided to do they could always count on his support. After the couple had left the guests dropped off one by one and after saying their goodbyes the twins and their dates took a cab back to the hotel. It had been a long day and everyone was tired. Not much conversation was made until they waved each other off in the hotel lobby.

//Out of touch  
out of time,  
Just get lost without a sign.  
As long as you stay by my side  
In your shadow I can shine..  
In your shadow I can shine..  
In your shadow I can shine..  
Shine...//

 

The twins watched Eden and Andreas disappear inside one of the golden elevators. Only when they were sure that both had left the lobby they took another elevator to their suite. Tom slid the key card and opened the door. The room looked like they never had slept there, tidied up and ready for them. The fruit basked was replaced with a bowl containing chocolate dipped strawberries. Champagne stood on the coffee table inside a cooler. Two glasses waited to be filled. Bill spotted a box of chocolates on the bed and squealed in delight as he opened it and already plopped one inside of his mouth.

Frantically chewing he stepped out of his shoes. Tom watched his little brother kick his shoes carelessly into one corner of the room, unbuckling his belt at the same time. Black trousers slid down Bills white and thin legs, bundling themselves around his ankles until he stepped out of them. He took of the light blue shirt and jacket, throwing them over the chair standing in front of a mahogany desk.

Just clad in a pair of grey boxers Bill let himself fall onto the soft bed and groaned. Once again a flash of pain crossed his face and Tom’s thoughts were pulled away from the naughty place inside his mind they had wandered to. Even though todays episode in the restroom was completely consensual Tom still felt bad about hurting his brother. Now that the alcohol was mainly out of his blood stream it suddenly wasn’t so funny anymore that Bill flinched in pain because Tom had fucked him raw and careless.

Tom stripped down from his own clothes, joining Bill on the big bed. Bills back was turned to him and he warily let his eyes wander down the ribcage and the all too visual spine. When Tom saw Bill like that the urge to protect him welled up inside of him. Bill was so fragile and for a moment he hated himself for doing the things he had done today. The physical side was one thing but Tom felt also guilty over being so possessive that he basically told their mother to fuck off. He knew that Bill was hurt even though he hadn’t said anything.

Tom’s eyes fell onto the black star on Bills hips and he wondered why Bill always forgave him no matter how stupid he acted. He guessed they both never really had a choice. Tom put an arm around Bills tiny waist tenderly, kissing the crack of his neck. He breathed in Bills scent and entwined their fingers.

“How are you doing?” Tom whispered into Bills ears.

It took a while before Bill answered; Tom almost thought that he was already asleep.

“I am…tired…and in pain,” Bill sighed, as if he really struggled to tell Tom the truth. Tom ignored the stab of guilt he felt and put a hand on Bills bottom.

“Here?” he almost whispered inaudible, dreading the answer. Bill just nodded and pressed his face into the pillow beneath him.

“Wait a second, I am back soon,” Tom said, climbing off the bed and walking towards his suitcase. He opened the bigger one, rummaging through the contents and scattered clothes, socks and caps all around him.

He dragged out a little bag and smiled. It was a small grey toilet bag, containing pain killers for Toms headaches, shaving supplies and the aloe lotion Tom were looking for.

He had bought it on recommendation of his doc when he got a bad rash on his shoulders. It itched and hurt. Later he found out that he was allergic to a particular detergent his housekeeper used. The doctor had said that it was good for any kind of rashes and sore spots. It contained just natural ingredients and had a cooling effect.

When Tom entered the bed again Bill still hadn’t moved and he figured that it probably hurt too much to move around. Tom hooked his fingers under the waistband of Bills boxers and dragged them down carefully.

“Tomi…I don’t think I can…” The wary voice of his brother almost startled Tom. He leaned forward to kiss his cheeks.

“Shhh I just want to make the pain better. Trust me” Tom could see Bills tense shoulders relax after a while.

Tom’s eyes traveled down to Bills cute ass, carefully pulling his buttocks aside. Bill hissed in pain and Tom had no idea how he had made it through the dancing. He looked even sorer now than he had directly after their encounter. The otherwise slightly pink entrance was bright red. Tom flipped the lock from the lotion open, squeezing a generous amount on his finger.

“This is gonna be a little cold, baby” He murmured and put his finger on the sore spot. He could feel Bills muscles twinch at the sudden cold sensation.

Tom touched Bill as lightly as possible, coating the whole area in aloe lotion. It was the first time he touched Bill down there without a sexual purpose. Even though he loved Bills ass and feeling him he didn’t even get hard while applying the lotion. The guilt and Bills pained whimpers prevented that from happening and Tom was thankful. He certainly would have hated himself if he had get off by his brothers pain.

“Do you want to coat the inside as well? I hear aloe helps with the healing process but I don’t know if you can stand it because of the pain.”

Tom waited patiently for an answer and after a while Bill nodded again, taking a deep breath and arching his back. Tom coated his finger thoroughly before he nudged Bills entrance. He almost didn’t dare move forward but he knew Bill would soon feel better if he did. So he moved his finger with minimal pressure, coating Bills burning and sore insides. He retracted the finger as soon as he was done.

Tom could see Bill let out a breath he had held until Tom was done. Tom took the blanket and draped it around Bill, making sure he was warm and comfortable. He wrapped his arms around his delicate brother, holding him in a loose embrace. Soon he could tell by Bills even breaths that he had fallen asleep.

 

//You see my soul,  
I'm a nightmare,  
out of control I'm crashin'  
into the dark,  
Into the room,  
into the world,  
of our cocoon.  
You are the sun and  
I am the moon.//


	25. Chapter 25

//I wonder how your body tastes  
Inside of someone else's place  
Pull away your eyes  
There's nothing left to heal  
I'm alone, but I know everything you feel//

Bill woke up because of an unidentified noise followed by extreme brightness. As he cracked one eye open to assert the situation he realized that they hadn’t closed the curtains the evening before and the sun was shining right on his side of the bed. The window was open and the strange noise he heard were actual birds chirping. Bill groaned and pressed his hands over his eyes, too tired to get up and close the window and the curtains.

Bill felt every single muscle in his body. He hadn’t danced so much in a while and his body didn’t seem to be very forgiving. Bill cautiously stretched one arm and then the next, getting the blood flow going. The pain in his anus had been agonizing yesterday, but had subsided to a steady burning sensation. Bill smiled, letting his thoughts linger on the memory how sweetly Tom had taken care of him. And this aloe lotion really seemed to help. Bill turned around and faced his sleeping brother. Tom’s hair was let down and fanned out over the white pillow. Bill eyes wandered down to Toms beard and goosebumps erupted on his body at the memory of Tom kissing his stomach and rasping the delicate skin down there.

Tom was an active sleeper; he tossed and turned, made faces and furrowed his brows. Bill always imagined that he must have very vivid dreams. Even though they spent all their days together Bill still wished he could be in Tom’s dreams as well. Bill put his hand on Tom’s cheek, slowly stroking his brother’s face until the frown disappeared and a smile crossed his face. Tom was like a heater when he slept, almost radiating warmth meanwhile Bill always felt freezing. He shivered and automatically pressed his delicate body against Tom’s muscular one, trying to get as much warmth as possible without actually waking Tom up.

But Bill continued freezing which prevented him from getting back to sleep so he grabbed the blanket and draped it around his shoulders. Then he straddled his brother’s body, clinging to him like a koala, cocooning them inside the blanket. Bill sighed as he felt warmth wrap around his body and he felt content, laying chest on chest with Tom feeling his breath on Bills cheeks.

Tom instantly wrapped his arms around Bill making him feel comfortable and secure. Bill could feel Tom shift underneath him, probably awakening from the sudden weight on his torso. A groan was heard and then Bill got squeezed into a tighter hug, big hands stroking down his spine and resting on the small of his back.

“Good morning sweet angel,” Tom murmured in a sleepy voice.

Bill could tell that Tom was barely awake but he nonetheless put a small peck on his brothers inviting looking lips. He was surprised as a wet tongue entered his mouth, assuming that Tom had been on his way to fall back a sleep instantly as he usually did. But Bill didn’t complain and welcomed the delicious tongue with his own. Unconsciously he rocketed back and forth, to create friction and warmth and just to feel Tom. As they deepened the kiss he could feel something hard dug into his thigh and he chuckled at the familiar sensation. Bill had already noticed that in the mornings Tom was especially horny, almost jumping his bones every time. It was nearly impossible to get somewhere in time because even though Bill tried to get up Toms very convincing hands persuaded him to stay in bed with Tom.

This time however Tom didn’t make a move on Bill, he just kissed him passionately but his hands stayed were they were at his back, slowly caressing his shoulder blades and his spine. Bill grew more frustrated by the minute, almost pushing down his groin onto Toms causing his brother to moan helplessly. Bill almost felt ridiculous, dry humping his brother without getting any reaction out of him more than the occasional moan through gritted teeth. Bill attached his lips to Toms neck, sucking at the delicate skin knowing he was on his way of leaving a very visible mark on Toms skin. But somehow he didn’t care. It seemed as Tom was really waiting for him to beg for attention. He would rather just flip over and leave it be to save his pride but his body was disagreeing with that course of action. Bills cock was aching and feeling Toms own erection underneath him drove him crazy.

“Mmmm Tomi pleaseeeeeeeeeee,” Bill moaned out the words, once again trying to create much needed friction.

“Bill, don’t you think we should take a break?” Tom whispered, pushing Bills torso upwards to look into his eyes. The look on Toms face was serious and caring. Even though he just got pushed away Bill didn’t feel rejected because he knew that Tom was concerned over his health.

Sighing Bill rolled over, once again lying down on his side of the bed with his hands folded on his stomach. He was painfully hard and tried to make it go away by sheer willpower. Bill shut his eyes and just growled frustrated. It felt like the worst timing on earth that Tom decided to have concerns the morning Bill was ready to devour him whole.

“hej,” Tom nuzzled into his side, putting small kissed on Bills shoulders. Bill felt like is whole body was on fire and it got worse with every kiss and touch.

“Let me take care of you, baby” Tom whispered, slowly hooking his fingers into the waistband of Bills boxers. Somehow during the night he managed to put them on again because he was freezing.  
In the matter of seconds Tom had freed Bills throbbing erection and touched him lovingly. The moment Bill felt a wet tongue swirling over the sensitive head of his cock he almost blacked out from the intense pleasure. It didn’t take long for him to reach a bone crushing orgasm, screaming Toms name.

Afterwards he could see Tom smirk proudly. He teased Bill a little for being so loud; both knowing that it was a huge turn on for Tom that Bill was that vocal. Bill felt warm and content in Tom’s arms, ready to fall asleep again after all energy was drained from his body.

The second time Bill woke up the light in the room had changed from the bright almost otherworldly light of the early morning hours to a more golden warm light. Bill guessed by the strip of sky he saw through the window that it must be passed noon. The silence just disrupted by birds singing was gone. Now Bill could hear traffic outside, someone seemed to talk on the phone right outside on the street. A little further away Bill heard children talk and laugh; probably a group of small daycare children on their way to a park.

The bed besides Bill was empty and he could hear water splashing and Tom humming an off-key tune. Bill smiled and curled himself around his brother’s pillow, hugging it tightly and already missing Tom’s warmth and comfort. Toms scent still lingered on the white fabric and Bill inhaled deeply, loving the fresh and earthy smell. Bill felt mentally exhausted, drained from all energy. The previous day had cost so much energy just to get through it.

Bill listened to the comforting morning noises his brother was making: a cupboard opened and closed, water running and the distinct sound of Tom brushing his teeth forcefully. Bill was amazed at how much his brother had changed from the lazy teenager that would have spent all days in bed if he could to the energetic business man he was now.

Bill hadn’t changed that much, he was still the perfectionist he had always been. He still loved to sleep in, spending a whole day in bed, lazily surfing fashion pages on the internet and skyping with friends. The discipline necessary for Tom’s line of work was something Bill couldn’t muster even if he wanted to. The unregularly work of the fashion industry suited him well, with times filled with 14 hour workdays and weeks off without something to do.

Bills thoughts wandered to the near future right ahead of them. They would go back to the USA tomorrow, Tom would resume his normal routine and Bill would start to work on his fashion line. Even though he had wanted to create his own fashion line for years now, the thought wasn’t that appealing anymore. Tom would work long hours, and Bill would spend the days in an atelier he was planning on renting. A heavy feeling settled into his stomach as he thought of endless evenings spend alone because Tom had to attend work dinners. Bill wasn’t stupid he knew that Tom’s success was built on hard work and if he wanted to keep it he had to continue working hard even with Bill living with him in New York.

Even if Tom made time for him in the eyes of the world he would never be anything else than Toms twin brother. Which was a good thing but it also meant no slow dancing on a date, no kisses exchanged over a romantic dinner and no right to tell beautiful girls off who tried to flirt with his Tom. Bill knew that it would break his heart to never have the right to claim anything more from Tom in the public eye. Spending all his time with Tom the past few days made it impossible for him to even imagine how he would cope with Tom constantly being away. He couldn’t even bring Bill to his business events like he could do with a girlfriend because everyone would question why he was there and not a pretty lady.

Bill closed his eyes to prevent the tears from falling. He sniffled silently into Tom’s pillow, his heart aching with need and longing for something he couldn’t get. He wanted a real life with Tom, a happy and passionate one, not just a shell filled with deception.

//And you waited on the rain  
Through tears my heart is caged  
And we fall through fate  
But we rise and rise again  
And I run, run, run, run, run  
And I run, run, run, run, run  
I run, run, run, run, run  
I just run run run//

Tom had woken up and found his brother still sound asleep, his limbs spread out on the entire side of the bed, one arm hanging down almost touching the floor. The sheets were a mess at the foot of the bed. For a moment Tom just watched Bill sleeping, his eyes trailing down the slim body and resting on Bills naked ass, admiring his angles and curves. Before he could get too lost at the sight Tom pulled the sheets up, covering Bills body knowing how much he always froze at night. The only way to get some warmth in his body was to give him an orgasm, the exact thing Tom had done this morning and a proud smile flashed over his face. Giving his brother pleasure and making him happy was as good as be pleasured himself.

Toms back ached from the tension in his shoulders the day before and he decided to let Bill sleep and start his day with a long shower. As he stepped out the bathroom, a towel around his waist and another one on his head, he recognized that Bill must have woken up because he had changed position. Bill was curled into a tight ball, hugging one of Tom’s pillows. His eyes were squeezed shut and he breathed rather heavily. Bill seemed so distraught and Tom’s heart clenched in compassion.

The day before hadn’t been easy on Bill. He looked so fragile the way he hugged that pillow and rocked slowly back and forth. Even though the day before hadn’t been easy on Tom either he instinctively knew that it must have been so much harder to his sensitive brother. Even after all those years Bill still wasn’t good at putting up walls and not letting things get to him. Tom sighed contemplating that they fitted very well together because Tom was too good at putting up walls.

He sat down besides Bill, the mattress slightly caving in under Tom’s weight. Bill opened his eyes and Tom could see the shine of unshed tears clouding his brothers brown orbs. Tom brushed his thumb over Bills slightly parted lips and smiled down at him.

“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked, slowly rubbing soothing circles on Bills exposed back.

It took nothing more to release the unshed tears, one by one rolling down Bills cheeks. Small whimpers and noises of sadness and distraught erupted from Bills throat. It was a heartbreaking sight and Tom couldn’t help himself but pick his brother up into a tight embrace, their bare chest touching. Bill buried his head in the crook of Tom’s neck, the both bodies molding together into one. Poofs of air hit the sensitive skin on Tom’s neck and he breathed deeply, waiting patiently until Bill was ready to talk to him about what was weighing him down.

“I don’t know if I can do it. I am so scared, Tomi!” Bill finally whispered, tightening the hold he had on Toms hand. Tom squeezed his brother’s hand in response, trying to calm him down and offer some reassurance.

“What is it you can’t do?” Tom asked warily, not knowing what his brother was referring to. He really hoped he didn’t mean their relationship. The thought send a shiver down Toms back and he pulled Bill even closer, almost dragging him into his lap.

Bill sobbed again, his tears moistening Tom’s skin. Tom always felt so helpless when Bill cried because more than anything he wanted to protect his brother from sorrow and sadness. He felt like a failure every time Bill was sad and he couldn’t make it better.

“Everything we planned. Going to live in New York. Everything” Bill shook his head furiously, wiping his tears away with his hand.

All of a sudden Tom’s body felt numb, and he had hard time breathing. He couldn’t keep his hands from trembling as he thought that it sounded very much like his brother was breaking up with him. And after everything Tom had put him through he couldn’t even blame him if he would. It was a miracle in the first place that he had forgiven him for abandoning him and hurting him for five years. Tom needed to ask, almost shoving the words past the lump in his throat.

“You don’t want to be with me anymore?” Tom hated himself for sounding like a little boy but he could barely keep himself upright.

Suddenly Bill looked up, his eyes widened in surprise. He cupped Toms cheek in his delicate hand and just shook his head.

“You silly man. Why would you ask something like that? All I want is to be with you. That’s why I am scared and sad because in New York I can’t. You need to work and we need to deceive everybody about our relationship.”

Upon hearing Bills words relief washed through Tom, lifting a heavy weight from his chest and he was able to breath freely again. Tom leaned forward to kiss Bills soft lips, needing to taste the sweetness of Bills mouth to remind him that Bill was his forever.

“We don’t need to do that. I still have those tickets, baby. We can fly away and life our life’s the way we want. No deception, just you and me.” Tom pointed to the nightstand were had carelessly thrown the airplane tickets the evening before.

Bill got up, seeming to be overwhelmed by restlessness. He paced back and forth, with a sheet bundled around his waist making him look like a Greek god.

“But how Tomi, if you have a plan please explain it to me!” Bill exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air to indicate his confusion and helplessness.

Tom told him his plan in detail. He explained how he had purchased a cottage on one of Indians islands called Smith Island. It was a small island, currently about 1000 people were living there. It was very secluded but at the same time possible to reach bigger cities by boat if they needed to get away to shop and party. The house wasn’t expensive but it was very hard to get. One of his lawyers had finally found a contact that made the purchase possible.

The inhabitants of the small island consisted of a fading amount of locals and the most part free spirits, searching for piece and quite, not minding anyone else’s business. It was the perfect spot to live, because no one would mind the gay couple. The next neighbor lived far away and nobody had to know that they were brothers. If they went away, partying they could do it as a couple. Tom intended on explaining that they were married, the source of their identical last name if the question ever should come up.

In the weeks prior to the wedding Tom had had several meetings with a business associate who was interested in buying the largest part of TK records. It would provide them with so much money that they could live comfortably, even in luxury for a very long time. Tom would keep some shares on his company so that they even would have a small but steady income.

Tom had planned everything very well and he was certain that things would work. The only thing he was uncertain of was how they would cope with the change of lifestyle. For Tom it meant going from workaholic to doing nothing and for the outgoing Bill from constant attention and partying to a quiet lifestyle.

During Toms whole monologue Bill kept quiet, pacing like a tiger in a cage. He bit down his manicured nails and his shoulders were hunched. He looked overall nervous and shaken. Tom stood up, standing in his brothers way as he paced through the room.

“Hey,” he stopped Bill by putting an arm around him. He could feel the tension in his brother’s body but after a couple of seconds he relaxed into the touch and rested his head on Toms shoulder.

“It’s your decision, my sweet angel. I want you to be happy and to me it doesn’t matter which way we go as long as I can be with you.”

A long silence followed Tom’s words and he didn’t want to pressure Bill into anything. Bill took a deep breath after a while, retracting from Tom’s tight hold to look up at him. As his eyes locked with Toms, Tom could see a new determination shining in the brown depths of his brothers eyes.

“Let’s do it!” He said fiercely, pushing the surprised Tom down on the bed. He straddled Tom and this time Tom hadn’t the strength to stop his brother as he passionately grinded himself against him.


	26. Chapter 26

6 months later

//In me  
It's slowly getting cold  
How long can we both remain here  
Stay here  
The shadows want to get me. But if we go  
We go only together  
You are everything that I am  
And everything that runs through my veins// 

Bill was staring at his reflection in the mirror, swallowing nervously. In his hands he held a bottle of hair gel that he turned over and over again. He looked at the reflection of his shower wet hair, unable to decide what he should do with it. Bill both liked the sleek look and the tussled one; he knew that he looked good in both. But today he had to look perfect not just plainly good. His nervousness showed on his whole body, from the trembling hands to the bouncing foot. Bill was naked besides a pair of black boxers and he eyed his body warily.

A knock on the door startled him and he turned around hastily. Bill could see Gustav’s head peek to the crack of the simple wooden door. Their eyes locked for a moment and as Bill nodded a silent confirmation he entered the room. Bill faced the mirror once again, lining up black eyeliner and sparkly eyeshadows in different shades of black and grey. Bill sighed and let his gaze wander through the room, pondering what make up to use.

His outfit for today was already laid out on the big four poster bed. One side of the room consisted of giant glass doors that held a breathtaking view to the beach and the ocean. The doors were opened to allow the soft breeze to travel through the room. In the distant the waves crashing onto the beach could be heard. Insects buzzed in the warm air and the beautiful song of an exotic bird reached their ears. The bed was the center piece of the room, white curtains moved slowly in the breeze. Bill was sitting at his makeup table, made from the same dark walnut tree like the bed. The few accessories scattered around the room were proof of their lives near the ocean, sea shells and beautifully colored stones the twins had found on the beach.

Gustav took a seat on the bed, carefully avoiding wrinkling Bills outfit.

“Nervous?” he asked with a reassuring smile, already knowing the answer to his question.

Bill just huffed in response, finally deciding on a hairstyle, squirting a generous amount of hair gel into his palms. With a few professional movements he tussled his hair, looking like he just came from a bath in the ocean or a wild party. He picked up the black eyeliner, carefully lining his almond shaped eyes. In addition he brushed a little amount of sparkling grey eyeshadow on his eyelids. He didn’t use make up very often anymore, but today he wanted to be absolutely gorgeous.

It’s been six months since the twins decided to leave everything behind them to move to India. Bills thoughts lingered at the memory of the day he made the decision to change their lives so completely. He could still picture the surprised and confused faces of their friends Eden and Andreas when they told them over breakfast about their plans. Naturally they didn’t talk about the reason behind those plans, but Bill had the feeling that Eden at least suspected something judging by the glimmer in her eyes and her mischievous smile.

Georg and Gustav already knew about their plans, so they simply let them know that they would be going through with it. Bill couldn’t resist sending a text message to their mother, a message that stayed unresponded until present day. Thinking about their mother still hurt, but with time the pain had subsided into a numb hollowness.

Bill went to the bed, picking todays outfit up and eyed it thoroughly. Today he would focus on all the good things and people in his live, not the ones who decided to leave them. One of them was sitting right before him on the bed, patiently waiting until Bill finished up dressing. Years of friendship had taught Gustav that there was no rushing Bill, he would take the time he needed even if the house stood in flames. Bill smiled warmly at his best friend, who today would stand beside him when he exchanged vows with the man he loved. Bill couldn’t think of anyone he rather would have by his side this important day.

All of a sudden emotional Bill cleared his throat and took Gustav’s large hands into his delicate ones.

“Thank you for everything!” he said, squeezing Gustav’s hand attentively. Their eyes locked and for one moment Gustav could see very clear why Tom had given up everything for this elfin like, almost otherworldly beautiful man. Bill demanded to be loved and protected and Gustav was proud that he had the honor of being close to Bill, to be with him at the most important day of his life.

Bill turned around, slowly putting on a pair of slim fit, grey trousers that hugged his legs and his bum at all the right places. A see through white cotton shirt completed the outfit, the first three buttons undone to show off his chest tattoo. Today Bill had taken off all his usual attire of rings and bracelets, the only jewelry he would wear was the beautiful ring Tom had given him six months ago. The ring that held the promise of a lifetime together filled with love and passion, understanding and friendship, brotherhood and bonded souls.

In the six months since the twins arrived to Smiths Island with a couple of suitcases and the desire to finally be able to life their lives without the judging eyes of the world on them, their lives had changed drastically. But they had changed for the better. Smiths Island was the perfect place to live: wonderful surroundings, free spirited inhabitants and freedom. Their neighbours consisted of a quiet Austrian couple who spend their retirement money on getting away from the world. They were nice people, almost immediately welcoming the new couple to their home. They spend their time cooking and baking, inviting the twins over for a regular Sunday dinner with delicious pastry’s and desserts.

Some km down the beach lived some friends in their 40s, deeply devoted to the hippy life style. They were 10 people, living in a giant house freely dating each other. Bill always thought their perspective on life was admirable even though he didn’t share their values on love and partnership. For Bill there was one true love only: his brother, twin and lover Tom.

Bill and Tom enjoyed their new lives, with days filled with freedom instead of obligations. They slept in almost every day, made passionate love in the mornings, worshipping each other’s bodies and the comfort of their closeness. They left the bed when they were content and hungry, sharing a delicious breakfast with fresh fruit from the village market. They could sit for hours on the porch, watching the ocean and talking about anything between heaven and earth. Sometimes they just listened to their aligned heartbeats. They went swimming in the ocean and Tom worked out daily with some guys from the village. They strolled lazily along the town square, buying supplies and making conversation with the other people around. After six months the twins knew roughly everyone, besides the core of locals who kept for themselves.

In the evenings they cooked dinner with fresh supplies and drank delicious wine. Often they went for a long walk in the sunset, their naked feet caressed by the still sun warm sand. Tom still loved to play the guitar and he played often for Bill and nowadays Bill even accompanied him singing. Quite days melted into passionate nights, every night containing a renewal of their promises to each other.

The calmness and the freedom were like a healing balm for the broken pieces of their souls. Finally they had the time to talk through everything thoroughly. Every emotion was laid on the table and they allowed themselves to finally forgive and move on. Tom’s possessive side hadn’t surfaced again because everyone on the island knew that the beautiful Bill was his and his only. Every one respected the deep love they held for each other. It was evident when they walked along the beach, hands entwined, happily laughing and talking. They were content with each other’s company but still open and inviting to their neighbors. They regularly spoke to the G’s via skype and they managed even to keep the friendship with Eden and Andreas.

Finally they allowed themselves to stop looking over their shoulders wondering when they would get caught. The always present fear that they would lose each other subsided and was replaced with security and comfort. The only hint of sadness in their lives came from the silent disapproval from their mother. Even though Bill had accepted it, he still missed her. Sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night with tears on his cheeks. But it took always just minutes for Tom to soothe his pain with his gentle lips and hands. Once in a while Bill still felt the need for Tom’s rougher possessive side and his brother claimed Bills body over and over again willingly. But nowadays the pain was mixed with intense pleasure, it was something they both wanted and needed as break from the gentle lovemaking they usually engaged in. 

Bill tried to focus his thoughts on the upcoming ceremony, as he finished the last touches on his outfit. Since the day Tom asked Bill to marry him he had thought daily about his wish to celebrate their bond. As the days passed by and calmness embraced their lives they got finally the time to talk about their wishes. Bill clearly remembered the evening he had told Tom how much he wished for a celebration of their relationship and eternal bond. They had been sitting on the hammock, Bills head rested on Tom’s chest and the steady swaying alongside with the calming sound of the ocean made it possible for Bill to open up completely to his brother. He could still remembered how he blushed a shade of tomato red, a little embarrassed that he had such a cheesy desire. It should be enough for him that Tom gave him a ring to symbolize that he was Toms forever. But somehow it wasn’t and that evening he told Tom that it felt like the last piece of his broken soul would finally be healed if they could exchange vows.

Somehow he was a little frightened that Tom wouldn’t understand why he felt such a need for this but he did, as he always had and always would. Between soft kisses and slow caresses they made plans for a celebration of their relationship. They decided on inviting all their neighbors, alongside with other people from the village they had bonded with. Gustav and Georg were asked to stand by their side, functioning as witnesses much like Tom and Bill did on Georg’s wedding. The celebration would be held on the beach, with all their guests gathered around them to hear their vows. They would also perform an acoustic version of their song into the night. A local women had agreed on cooking Indian food which they would eat at the beach kind of bbq style with fires burning all the way around the beach symbolizing the eternal fire of their passion for each other. Of course only the G’s knew the story of their lives, but they didn’t need their new friends to know that to be able to celebrate their bond with them. Their bond was just much stronger and deeper than any of them could have guessed.

“I am ready,” Bill took a deep breath and walked towards Gustav who hoisted himself up from the bed. He had already been ready when he entered Bills room, wearing elegant black trousers and a grey sleeveless shirt. The twins didn’t want this celebration to be formal; they wanted to reflect their new lifestyles with a more laid back attitude. They wanted to celebrate with their friends, eat delicious food, drink and dance on the beach in the moonlight.

“You look beautiful!” Gustav exclaimed, surprising Bill with his compliment. Gustav rarely talked about feelings or was generous with compliments. But he never failed to let Bill feel silent appreciation of their friendship and that was all Bill needed. Bill knew what Gustav felt for him by the thousand small and big things he did for him, not by the words he said.

Bill blushed and blinked his eyelashes bashfully a few times. Hearing that comment made Bill feel beautiful for the first time today, a compliment that even penetrated the thick cloud of nervousness. They slowly made their way through the cottage. Through the windows they could already see the rugs laid out in the sand, preventing their guests from getting sand all over themselves. Bills heart fluttered as he saw Tom approaching the middle of the circle the rugs formed. The first guests had already arrived and Tom greeted them cheerfully. Sweat gathered on Bills palms and the small of his back as he looked at the man he loved.

Tom had his hair down, the light breeze pulling at its strands. He wore stone washed jeans, ripped apart at the thighs and knees. To complete the outfit he had a sleeveless grey shirt, with a big print on that should portray Jesus but in a way resembled Toms looks very much with the long hear and the beard. Bill loved that shirt, the way it revealed Toms toned and muscular arms and he smiled widely thinking that Tom remembered how sexy he found him when he wore that shirt. Bill could even spot that Tom was barefoot just like himself. A swarm of butterflies set off in his stomach, realizing that the wonderful man, his twin, brother, soulmate and lover would forever be his.

//Forever we will carry each other  
No matter where we fall  
No matter how deep  
I dont want to be alone  
Let's go together into the night  
Someday the time will come  
Let's go together into the night// 

Tom smiled at the guests, sitting on the colorful rugs or standing in small groups making conversation with each other. Almost everyone knew each other and the atmosphere was light and positive, laughter could be heard once in a while. Tom’s eyes traveled to his wrist watch, a small smile crossing his features as he realized that Bill was a bit late. He could picture his brother sitting in their bedroom taking his time with his styling. It was reassuring that some things would never change. Tom took his place in the middle of the created circle and let his gaze wander to their home just a few hundred meters away. The little cottage they bought was perfect in its simplicity, directly on the wonderful sandy beach, the sounds of the nearby ocean a soothing constant. He didn’t miss the luxury of his former life, right here on this island he had everything he needed and he couldn’t remind himself of a time when he had been happier.

The twins had decided on keeping the ceremony simple, but still romantic. As the door to the cottage opened, everyone hurried to take their places on the rugs. One of the hippie friends played a melody on the violin. Accompanied by the crashing waves and the hushed whispers between the guests as Bill appeared let Toms heart beat faster by the second. His eyes were glued to his twin and once more he was rendered speechless over the sheer beauty that his brother possessed. Logically he knew that they were twins and looked almost the same but Tom never thought of himself as beautiful. He was good looking, that he knew but he didn’t think he could claim the same elfin beauty that Bill was blessed with.

The mellow melody played by his friend, alongside with his brothers appearances made Tom tear up almost immediately. He would never admit it though, and tried to hide it from Georg who stood on his right side. The smile on his best friend’s features told him that Georg had seen everything. But maybe for this once he would let it go and not tease Tom with it later. After all he had been rather emotional at his own wedding as well.

Bill had now reached the small path they had created with flower pedals in pink and red. Bill went barefoot through the warm sand, through the flowers and towards Tom. As he reached the last meters Tom held his breath, not knowing why. Only as Bill reached his side with Gustav behind him and took his hand Toms breathing got normal again. They waited until the last tune was played and faced each other, holding their hands entwined. Their eyes locked and all their surroundings faded away as memories played before their minds eyes. So much struggle, so much self-loath and hatred but also so much love, happiness and satisfaction. Finally the last piece in their life’s puzzle fitted perfectly. All the good and the bad were now part of their history and their souls.

They had talked long nights about their vows, laying in the big bed, fingers entwined and content resting in each other’s embrace. There was so much to say that their vows could go on for hours and at the same time was there so little that needed to be said. They knew each other inside out, so even if they would write their separate vows they most likely would turn out saying the same. So decided on a simple but strong promise they would exchange. Nobody knew what it would be, not even the G’s who almost couldn’t tame their curiosity and had pestered the twins about it for weeks.

The last tune was played and drifted away with the wind. The guests had fallen silent; every pair of eyes was on the twins now. Everyone could feel the importance of that moment, the love glowing in the twin’s eyes.

Tom watched his brother smile one of his signature bright smiles, the one that revealed his true and deep happiness. Being the reason behind this smile was the most satisfying and wonderful thing and Toms knees grew momentarily weak at the thought.

“If you jump, I’ll jump,” Bill said in his angelic voice, loud and clear.

“If you jump, I’ll jump,” Tom replied, squeezing his brother’s hands.

For a couple of seconds they twins were totally lost in each other and the romantic moment they shared. They were taken back to reality by the spontaneous applause coming from their guests. The twins looked to the G’s smiling and were embraced in a bone crushing hug. Once again they all four ended up hugging, exactly like at Georg’s wedding. This was their family and their life.


End file.
